I ALWAYS TURN TO YOU FOR HELP
After days of being at the receiving end of my 14 year old son's hostility and rage I finally broke last night. I took off down the road sobbing and running, trying to escape the pain inflicted by his words. How many times can a mother endure hearing her child say how much he hates her? And he says it with no emotion whatsoever, totally dispassionately. He hates everything about me, I'm strange, weird, his friends hate me, I make everyone uncomfortable, no one wants to come to our house because of me, I don't care about my appearance (I had to meet him after being slimed by my horse). He told Jim (with me in the room) that he didn't know why he married me, saying "What did you see in her? What could anyone see in her?" I just can't take it and I think I have to leave. I don't believe this is normal adolescent behavior. I don't believe other 14 year old boys are making their mothers feel as if they never should have been born. "You're so strange, you shouldn't have been allowed to have children." I don't want to eat today. I want to curl up in a tiny, tiny ball that no one can see so I won't be hurt anymore. I don't have the skills to deal with this. And I'm very afraid of what's building inside of him. He breaks things violently at the slightest provocation - any "no" to one of his requests will now result in a revengeful act of destruction. He's 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. He's 14. Where the hell will we be when he's 16? No one is helping us. I don't know what to do. And I'm hurting so badly. ken, can you help me?
No one should have to endure that, least of all you. I agree that it isn't normal adolescent behavior. Do you feel he is using any kind of substance? I just saw a thing on the Today show about a legal substance you can get in any smoke shop or online that teenagers are smoking....I'll be darned I can't think of the name of it, but it starts with an "S". The dark behavior exhibited by your son sounds like what they were describing. My son was once 14, and I've never heard things like that come out of him. Have you turned to his school to ask for help? Perhaps someone in Law Enforcement can give you some direction?
My prayers are with you....
Joanie
Reenie,
I know this is hard, but remember that this is not about you. It's not you that your son hates, but himself and he's lashing out at the one person who will love him no matter what he does. Boys don't know how to do depression or sadness, but anger is a very familiar emotion that is somehow acceptable for boys and sadly comfortable.
Danny had all of the usual teenage angst and then some. I started to refer to him as the Hormone in Hightops. After round after round of school counselors, mental health evaluations, medications, serious talks, screaming matches, school suspensions, slammed doors, thrown items... I'd had it. One afternoon, Danny came home from school and threw a phone book at the wall. It wasn't at me and it wasn't one of his biggest fits by far. I'd just had enough. I called the police and had him arrested for tearing the cover of my phone book. The cops thought I was out of my mind, but they took him away. They called me from Juvenile Hall an hour later and told me I could come and pick him up. "Do I have to?" I got a good night's sleep and picked him up about 5:00 in the morning. We had to go to court and the judge put Danny on probation for a couple of months.
I wish I could say that everything was fine after that. It wasn't, but the whole jail thing had an interesting effect. It sort of allowed Danny to have an excuse to behave.
When I would ground him, he would say, "You know, I could just leave, but you'd probably just call the cops again." I don't think I would have, but he never tested it and was the only kid I knew who actually stayed in his room when he was grounded. Whenever he started to escalate, he'd say in a mocking tone, "Oh, better calm down before Mom calls the cops."
At one point, there was no doubt in my mind that I would bury my son. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would outlive him. I've had the SWAT team at my house more than once, I've seen the child tasered, I've been through suicide attempts, more drunken episodes than I can count and the inside of a courtroom at least 7 or 8 times. I'll never forget the night he tried to commit suicide by cop with a plastic gun.
Today, I finally like Danny. I haven't thought about killing him in years. He earns a very good living, is in college and owns his own home. I really enjoyed his company in Maui and one of my best memories is the day we spent snorkeling together, just the two of us. Raising that kid was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and there were certainly times when I didn't know whether or not I was going to kill him before he got the opportunity to do it himself, but in the end, it was worth it.
Reenie, no matter how badly you feel, your son feels worse. The inside of his head must be a scarey place. Don't give up on him, but don't let him wear you down. This is hard, but you have to fight for him. Just like you fought to get your life and your health back, you have to fight for your child. I can't tell you how many pep talks I had to give myself and how many times I had to remind myself to love Danny enough for both of us because he certainly didn't love himself.
Don't give up on finding help for Devin. If his school can't help you, check with the University. There are camps and schools and even the police if things get bad. You have options.
Someday, you and I are going to sit down and share stories...
Love ya huge,
Connie - Who understands why guppies eat their own babies
I wish I had answers for you, but without having kids to deal with I don't. Prayers for
some peace amoung your family will have to be enough. Hope things calm down
soon!! Keep us posted when you can.
I agree that this is not about you, it is all about what he is feeling about life in general.
I hope you can get the help you all need for this to get resolved before he hurts
anyone in the process.
Big Hugs to you & Prayers!!
Ladybug Marilyn 
Oh Maureen....
My heart aches for you. 14 year old children should be locked away until they re-join the human race (and they usually do, you know****rtainly wanted to visit death and dismemberment on my daughters when they were that age!! I remember when I was that age and dear God, it wasn't pretty. I had a violent temper,and although I didn't inflict that kind of abuse on my Mom, I know that I put her through all kinds of hell. Your son sounds like he is screaming for help, but what kind I don't know. I don't think that I can give you better words than those that Connie has offered. As usual, she gets to the meat of the matter with wit and wisdom. I feel your pain and wish that I could ease it for you. Hang in there, my friend and remember that you have friends here who care.
Mike
Thanks so much, friends. Holy Cow, I'm really feeling low...thanks for being there. So good to see you posting again, Margo, Joanie, Michael - I've missed you very much. Connie, you have a gift for being able to wrap your arms around someone when they need it most, even at a distance of several hundred miles...Marilyn, where would any of us be without you? Be well, all. Maureen
Reenie, You are certainly in my prayers. I don't have any kids and I know it's a good thing. My sister and I were talking yesterday about a child that's giving their parents problems. Neither one of us have children. At the same time we said Gordon Hogan should have been his Daddy. Mama would tell us if she had to tell Daddy something that she could not handle with us, he would kill us!! Well, we believed her!! He never hit us , but we were afraid he would beat us to death. Today they would put Mama in jail for some kind of mental abuse. I don't know what I'd do if I were in your place, so I won't give you any advice, just know that I'm praying for you. Love ya, Judy
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