EPIPHANY

It is human nature to avoid pain. While it is relatively easy for us to avoid physical pain (e.g., we get out of the way of an oncoming car), it is far more difficult to avoid emotional pain. We invest ourselves emotionally in every aspect of our lives in terms of relationships - our marriages, our jobs, our children, our families, our friends - and loss is inevitable in relationships. Because we cannot avoid emotional pain, we seek other ways to cope with it: we disconnect ourselves from the source of the pain; we disassociate from the people, places, or things that threaten our emotional wellbeing. I realized today that I feel totally disconnected from anyone or anything right now - except food. I am disconnected from my husband because of the state of our marriage; I am disconnected from my children because of the ongoing problems, the daily grind of family life that is our reality; I am disconnected from my job for several reasons, none of which are important to this discussion. I feel utterly alone in my loneliness and because I am so disconnected - so uninvested in anything of real substance - I have found solace once again in food. It is controlling me. Although I am fighting the good fight, I have lost my footing and I find myself looking around for help only to be met with the vast emptiness of what it is to be disconnected from the world. This was an epiphany for me. The only thing I remain connected to is food...my one, true constant throughout my entire life. It never leaves me, it never disappoints me. It is always there for me. This realization led me to the thought that the connection I'm missing, the one I'm truly craving is the connection to myself. This is nothing new - no Oprah 'ah-ha' moment, just another way of looking at things...my happiness cannot spring from other people, different places, sparkly things....my happiness must come from within me and only then can I deal effectively with the pain of emotional heartbreak - which is inevitable. And only then can I break the connection to food as I use it today--in a harmful, dangerous way. My marriage will probably end in divorce sooner than later; my children will grow up and leave me; I may spend many more years in the workforce devoid of meaningful work; all of these scenarios carry the burden of emotional pain. But I must find a way to see it all for what it is - living - and take care of myself, love myself, through it all. I hope this makes sense. Maureen

Maureen, It breaks my heart to read this. You have been such an inspriation to me. I'm sad to hear that you may divorce. I was divorced for 27 years. Almost 8 years ago at 50 years old I married the most wonderful man in the world and I have been very, very happy , except for one thing. My other love, FOOD !! Charles married me and he had known me all my life, from 140 pounds in the 6th grade at school to 263 pounds at age 40. He loves me no matter what size I am now. My only sister lives next door to me and we are very close. My mama is in the nursing home, but she likes it even thought she is in the bed all the time. She spends her days making everybody that comes by her door happy. So why do I eat ?????? I feel so defeated some days. I keep thinking tomorrow I'll do better !! But so far I keep going back to my old ways. I'd do good for a few days and then "back slide" again. Tomorrow I go back to Dr. Proctor , my surgeon, for my two year check up. I told them at work today maybe he'll beat me and I'll do better. The moral of this story, we are going to have to fight like fighting fire the rest of our lives , if we don't want to gain back all the weight we've lost. It doesn't matter if we're happy or sad food will always be there tempting us , so I'll pray for you and you pray for me and will can beat this demon one day at a time. Always remember your friends are here for you. Love ya, Judy

Thanks for your understanding, Judy. I will close my eyes and send wishes your way for peace with food...Love ya back, Maureen

Reenie, Reenie, Not only is food NOT your only friend, it is NOT your friend at all! I speak for all of us here. Food is a thing, not a person. It is to be controled and used, not to control and use us. But PEOPLE, with all of our warts, are here to love and to be loved. We get hurt and we naturally pull back, but the hurt of loneliness is even worse than the risk of loving. You are such a loving person, Reenie. You are very much cherished in this community. I know that those in your physical community, that you will allow in your heart, love you as well. We are all here for a purpose. Sometimes it is a struggle to understand that purpose, but that confusion does not alter the truth of it. Your purpose lies in your connections. Plug in, Girl! Joy

Well, sweetie, I must feel connected to you because you just made me cry...hard. Maureen

Crying is not a bad thing... If you do it fo a bit, then wipe your eyes and keep on keeping on. I SO wish I could give you a big hug! Joy

O.K. so I want to come & give you a great big Hug. That is what is sound like you need most right now. You have so much going on you can't try & fix it all. So make a list & try to fix one thing at a time. If your marriage is going to end, then let it end & get on with what lies ahead. You are killing yourself if you are trying to stay together because of kids or just because. I did not want to leave my boyfriend, but, I did & even though it has been hard at times, I am doing a 100% better than I was. You have to get some help with some of these problems you are facing my Dear. You can't let them destroy what you have tried to accomplish over the last 2 years. You are a great person & have lots of love to share, but, you need time for you & find out who you are before you can share that Love. I am still working on finding that out, but, everyday is better & better than where I was 2 1/2 months ago. So give yourself a big HUG since I can't be there to do it & I will bet tomorrow will look better than today. It seems like there is no end & you just want to hide but, life continues & you need to get some anti-depressant help so you can deal with some of these problems with a more level head. Love you & am worried about you. Please take care & call me at (928) 444-4066 if you just want to talk to someone Marilyn, the Bearlady

People---people who need people..... Corny, no? But it's true. Yes, children grow up and go their own way. We raise our children to be independent, responsible human beings. You have to look at yourself as an individual, not as a puzzle piece. Years ago, I was fat, married and raising 2 kids. Joanie did not exist. It was Stuart's wife, Jared and Lindsey's mother that existed. When I realized that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, I set up a goal for myself. I got a job in another state, and moved. My son didn't want to leave his school; my daughter came with me. We try hard at making our marriage work...but if you know it isn't going to, there's no point in staying. Both of you deserve to be happy. My ex husband and I are on friendly terms. I did this for the sake of the children, and it worked out favorably. We are all living the daily grind. We all have problems. You are not in this boat alone. We are all there with you....and we all need each other. Yes, I have a job. It isn't my life and it isn't who I am, but it has kept a roof over my head and food on the table. I don't hate it. I don't love it. It's just something I do to survive. As far as food being your friend, wake up my baby girl. Can you honestly look at your "before" pictures and think that food was your friend? Quite the contrary, it is your enemy; my enemy, and the enemy of anyone who has ever had an eating disorder. Food nearly killed us. Yes, we need food to live, but when it has taken such a hold on us that we are knocking on death's door, then it becomes the enemy. How can you say food never disappointed you? When I was 250 pounds, food most definately disappointed me---it nearly killed me. I was addicted, seduced by it. I am not going to let that happen again....and neither will you. Like a lot of us, you don't give yourself the proper credit. Look at all you've done. Look at what you've accomplished. You are a super star, a super hero. You've come a long way, and you cannot go back. Embrace *****enie is. Love her. She more than deserves it. Hugs and kisses to you, my friend.... Joanie

So, how far is Ocean City from northeastern CT? I would love to meet you and wrap my arms around you for one gigantic bear hug, Joanie. Thanks so much. REENIE

Well, its a little bit away...but we go through CT when we visit my boyfriends brother in Boston...and I ALWAYS think of you and Mike as we drive through and stop at the Crackerbarrel for lunch or dinner. Would LOVE to meet you both! Joanie