sad rambling readers beware

sorry i've just got to ramble on right now. i'm alot down in the dumps and very sad. i broke up with my fiancee 2 weeks ago and am just having a heck of a time geting out of the sadness of it all. i had such high hopes tht things would be great. i was so happy when he asked me to marry him. yes we'd have some problems but i thought that they would all work out. i wanted them to! he's a good man but after just a few weeks of being engaged the old problems came right back. if i was a younger woman, someone like i had been when i was 20 i might have the energy to tackle them but i'm older 53 and want things to be ok right now. becasue i've been though alot with an ex husband i just can't get past some of these problems. still this was a good man. he wasn't a cheater, drinker, or physical abuser. i feel so sad that just keep thinking i'll never meet the partner that i am wanting or need. i'm very sad and am not eating the way that i should. i'm not eating more i've had to remind myself to eat because i'm jsut wrapped up in my sadness. its to the point where i will make an appointment with my doctor and maybe start some anti depressants. years ago during my divorce i took them for 3 weeks to get myself back on track. they helped. i'm also goign to go to a couple separation support group that i use to go to that was a big help too. maybe even get in touch with an old councilor. thank god for my girlfriends. i'm very lucky and have a great bunch of friends. that combined with this support group will all help in the end. i hate being sad. but i know i did the right thing.

Pammie, I'm so sorry that you're feeling down right now. Maybe an anti-depressant will help. Even when you're the one who ends the relationship, it's still tough. I've been going back and forth with whether or not I should end my relationship with The Man. He ALWAYS has a billion things going on between work and his family and I'm just not sure where I fall in the pecking order. This weekend his brother had a heart attack and he's not taking me to the hospital in the morning because they just rushed his mother to the hospital. I really feel like a "B" for resenting his job and family and obviously he needed to be there for his brother and mother, but it's like this constantly. Anyway... I didn't mean to ramble about my situation, but I'm just saying that I understand where you're at and know that things will get better for you. Time really does heal. Hugs, Connie

I feel so bad that you're going through this, and I know what it feels like. You have to go with your gut instincts---you know the man isn't for you and you did what you had to do. I think the anti depressants will help, and the support group is a great idea. From everything you've written, I feel that you are a strong woman, and I know you'll get through this. You will find the right man....when you least expect it. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope you'll be happy soon! Don't forget to take care of yourself..... Joanie

Dearest Pam, I am so sorry you are so sad. Please do see your doctor right away and get whatever help you need to feel better. And know that we care so much about you. It is so difficult to see beyond the emotional pain of losing someone we love, even if that loss is good for you. You have made the very difficult decision of ending your relationship because you know in your heart of hearts that it's the best thing to do; you are taking care of yourself. Pammie, we can't change people, we can only change how we respond to them. Your ex-boyfriend is who he is and that won't change; we are all of us who we are and we can change certain aspects of ourselves (as we all know pretty darn well), but the core of us will always be the same. Be glad for the good times you had together, feel what you need to feel for a little while, but get the help you need to begin putting your life back together. I wish I had the answers. Today marks my 19th wedding anniversary and last night, our marriage therapist (we've been seeing him for almost a year now) recommended we separate, citing the fact that our relationship is highly dysfunctional. I, too, am very, very sad today. And unsure about the future. All we can do is continue to reach out when we need to. Don't stay in bed too long, my friend. Take good care. Love, Maureen

I know it feels like you will never find Mr. Right, Pam, but please try to understand that it will happen. It took me a long time to come to the point where I understood the dysfunction of my marriage, and I think we understand each other on these points. At some point you want something well rounded and whole....not lopsided. And because you DO desire that kind of a relationship, you will eventually find it. But if you got married to your friend, you would perhaps eventually one day meet that person who you connect with only to find yourself feeling trapped and unhappy. It may take time, but he's out there for you, and all you have to do is be yourself. Because when we just strive to be ourselves and let our own goodness shine through, this is what will attract the right person who will truly love you for who you are, and vice versa. You don't have to be so grateful to someone for loving you that you feel obligated to return the devotion if you don't feel it in your heart. That is not only not fair to yourself, but not fair to him. This is the point I am at in my marriage. I thought about it and struggled - trying to find a way to cope. A way to just deal with it and accept what it is. I could trudge through life with my room mate for a long time. But I'm not happy and he's not happy. And we've tried for years to get back on track and be friends again....and it's just not happening. At one point I thought I had decided that I was just going to suck it up and make the best of it. The problem was that my best wasn't good enough to show him I cared because it's hard to fake what isn't there. Especially when you come to a full realization of how you feel. And then I realized that not only was I not getting what I wanted out of it, but he wasn't either. He isn't happy with this, but he is also isn't happy with the relationship and he will never meet the person who will love him like he deserves to be loved if I stayed. I started to put myself in his shoes, and although I might feel a bit of desperation like he does, I would also feel a sense of anguish knowing that my spouse was going through the motions and didn't really have those feelings for me. That, I think, would hurt more than anything. Knowing that they felt trapped and didn't care about me the way a spouse should. Then you realize it is all out of pity and that just isn't a good place to be. I, like you, want the whole enchilada. I want romance, love and friendship all wrapped into one. And the difference is now that I feel like I can wait for it for awhile, whereas when I was younger, I needed it RIGHT NOW. Now I think I know what to look for. And you too - you know what didn't work, now concentrate on what WILL work. And don't waste your time on the dogs... Dina