The Battle (long...)

I've been thinking a lot about you guys lately, and felt the urge to step up on my soap box. From what I read, we are all, for the most part, experiencing a struggle with what we eat. Our pouches have relaxed and we are able to eat more than we did at the beginning. I don't know about anyone else, but every morning when I get up, I feel like I am fighting urges to eat what I want to eat versus what I should eat. In all honesty, I am happy to report, that I eat healthy....but sometimes I eat too much, and I know it. Have I gained? Yes...about 9 pounds....but the scale hasn't moved in months, so I think I've leveled off. I get on the scale every day now, and for me, I think that is helping me in this war. I have finally managed to cut out sugar again, and it does make me feel better. I can truely see what sugar does to me, and it isn't good, so now I don't miss it. I no longer eat bread, potatoes or pasta. I realize these are "trigger" foods for me, and make me want to overeat. I do like to have a few glasses of wine or a Bloody Mary on the weekends. I'm 2 years out, just like we all are; I'm still wearing the same clothes I did last spring, but they do not feel the same. Things that were loose now fit, and I haven't attempted to try on things that were tight last spring. I want, so much to lose 10 to 15 pounds. I know this doesn't sound like much, but I cannot get the scale to move in spite of all my efforts. I go to the gym, drink a lot of decaf tea during the day, but my bowels are a shambles....I can go for days without a movement. I'm not sure I was prepared to feel this way after being 2 years out of surgery. I loved the days when I ate 3 bites and was full. I want those days back. Even though I still have my tool to work with, I feel like it has lessened in strength. I am sure I won't gain any more weight. But I want to lose a little more. I realize how fortunate I am. I've not needed any plastics, and my heart goes out to all of you who have endured the additional surgeries. I have no bat wing arms, my legs and butt are firm. My stomach is jelly, but I have no flaps or anything like that. I believe it has to do with genetics in my case....it's not anything special that I did. I am sorry I am going on and on...but I guess I never expected to feel this way. I think I expected to get the surgery and then have everything under control and never have to worry about my weight again. Is anyone else feeling this way? Love you all..... Joanie

i miss the little bitty 3 bite pouch too. i have 5 pounds that i play with. what bugs me is if I gain that darn 5 pounds it will happen overnight. just a night of maybe having a glass of wine or a dessert that even though it is sugar free i fini**** instead of just having a couple of bites. bingo theres that darn 5 pounds in themorning and it doenst go away for weeks! this last time it took me 2 weeks to make the scale budge just 2 of the 5 pounds. i guess now while i can eat more its still not like it was before. instead of making myself get all stressed and thinking about how bad i am i'm trying to put it all into prespective. when i look at eating the 150cal sugar free dessert compared to the 1000 cal loaded with sugar dessert and topping it off with some (like a dozen) girl scout cookies after i've eaten a big burger with ketchup, onions. sauce, on a big old bun with a large fry and soda O lets super size that too please! maybe add a small fry...see what i mean? now i'm like my tiny little size 0/2 daughter in how she eats. i still get full but its after i've had a small baked potato with low fat cheese for dinner. or in the morning when i have my fat free cottage cheese with 10 strawberries and a small handfull of blueberries sometimes i get really crazy and take 8 low fat saltines and squish 2 tablespoon of peanut butter to make myself 4 yummy peanut butter mini cracker sandwiches! i LOVE those for lunch! one of my biggest problems is i'm not excerising like i should be. i've been depressed since i broke up with my boyfriend and i'm coming home from work and sleeping. its to the point where even though i know i did the right thing i need to go and maybe get some anti depressants for just a couple of weeks til this all wears off. i expected it to be upsetting. i love the man but i knew it wouldl't work out.

There are times I lament my slow loss and lack of getting to my ideal goal. When many of my counterparts are into their 130's and 140's, I'm still at 188. So there are a lot of times where I still feel big. BUT, the one positive part to this journey for me is that I am smaller than I was at this time last year, so some of the clothing I wore then I can no longer wear. This may not be true next year at this time. I do feel like I have to be more careful. I have gained weight over the holidays that I had to neurotically work off. But in general I am feeling more relief than anxiety. Why? Because I am not 325 lbs. Or 338 (my high.) And I may have a large pouch and I may still feel like I struggle with eating crap, but it is also SO much easier to lose weight or keep it off now than it was 3 years ago. So although it's still work, it's not as HARD of work as it was before. So I'm trying to use that to my advantage. One of the things I gave up on when I had surgery was my low-carb eating plan. I got so burnt out on protein that I couldn't hack it for a long while. But I realize also that protein has a strong place in my diet because not only does it metabolize slowly, it also keeps me from feeling hungry later. So I'm trying to do the opposite of everything I had done in the past. I indulge myself where I wouldn't do it before, even if in public maybe. I had a Twinkie the other night. Heaven forbid - a Twinkie! But the thing is, I didn't eat it all at once, and I felt tremendous relief thinking of how it compared to years gone by. Everything then was an exercise in willpower and deprivation. Then when I finally blew the diet, I'd eat a whole box of Twinkies. So what this surgery has done for me is give me a chance to relax. I purposefully don't sweat the Jelly Bellies I had as a snack (unless I dump...which I still do sometimes). I don't think or worry about it because knowing almost nothing is off limits makes me feel like I can take it or leave it. I will have my bag loaded up with crap that I take back and forth to work every day and that same 1 oz bag of Cheetos will take forever for me to bust into them. Why? Because I can have them whenever I want. No rush....no compulsive desire to cram crap into my face. For that one thing alone I am very thankful. This was my big struggle in trying to get control of my weight, which was a losing battle. No - it doesn't fix your whole life - but it does provide some relief...which is exactly what I was after. I remember when I started out on this journey that I would have given my eye teeth to be 200 lbs again. I'm below that now, and although I'd be happy to be 158 instead of 188, I'm content. And I just hope that this continues to work for me. More emtionally than anything Dina (if something doesn't make sense in my post, it's because I'm ready to fall asleep on here but had some sort of point I thought I had to make!!!)

Yes, Joanie, I'm feeling likewise. The biggest surprise to me is that losing all this weight and living life in a normal-sized (relatively) body does not equate to life happiness. In fact, the problems are still there and I don't find them to be any more manageable than when I was super-morbidly obese. Perhaps things are a bit worse (dare I admit this?) in that before I didn't throw myself into attempting to solve the problems because I couldn't, I literally didn't have the energy or physical ability to navigate my body through the muck. Now, I'm engaged and involved and trying to "fix" things constantly, incessantly, like a gerbil on an exercise wheel -- going nowhere fast. I'm exhausted, mentally just plain spent, almost all of the time and fast approaching that old familiar "what's the use" sensibility - which will spell weight regain very quickly for me. Sorry for the pitty-pot post here; I just wanted to tell you I get exactly where you're coming from. We simply must find different ways to cope -- and to be happy....Love you, baby - Maureen

Hi Joanie; I think that the answer is in the title to your post: THE BATTLE. I'm afraid that even with our pouch "tools", we still must battle every day. I'm always amazed at how much food I can pack away now. It's really a struggle to keep up with the exercise and watching what I put in my mouth. I just try to remind myself of how much better off I am now than I was 2 years ago. That's what keeps my head above water. Mike

Dina, you are right on the mark here -- and so far ahead of me, I can't begin to express...I am miles, mountains, planets away from feeling anything remotely close to resembling what you describe. I'd give anything to feel content in my eating....but I feel everything but content, especially anxious. My level of anxiety induces me to eat, plain and simple. And I am forever anxious these days. Thanks for this mighty post. Maureen