Butt kicking needed....help!

Hey Y'all.... I've been lurking for soooo long, but I'm at a point in my journey where I need to have my butt kicked. My eating is out of control and I'm putting the pounds back on faster than I care to admit. I'm wondering if my band is still in place, if my staples have not popped or my stoma has not stretched back out to full capacity. I can eat...and eat...and eat. I haven't thrown anything back up for a while - I've even pushed the limit the other day by not chewing a bite of port chop very well just to see if I'd hurl, but I didn't. Unfortunately I know how to eat around the surgery. I feel like I am sabotaging my own success because in many ways I don't feel like I deserve to lose the weight. Even if I could change my mind set, I don't think I'd be able to use this tool anymore - I think I've damaged it beyond recognition. Not to make excuses for myself at all, but I am at a turning point in my life. I have made some questionable decisions in the past year and I'm paying for it. I'm in the middle of a divorce, still living in the same house as my soon to be ex, the house is up for sale and has been for months, but no bites. My soon to be ex has been unemployed since October so I am the sole provider for health insurance for the family (which is why I'm working part time at Starbucks). My soon to be ex gets unemployment checks, whi*****identally is more than I bring home from my Starbucks gig. I quit going to my shrink because I really can't afford it. My parents and I are at odds over the whole divorce thing. I have no financial support, I have little emotional support (I lost some "good" friends over this divorce). I'm a mess. On the up side, I had a job interview yesterday that went really well. I'd be back in the software industry where I "grew up" and it could be a good opportunity. Maybe this is the beginning of newfound happiness. I just wish I could get my eating and my personal life in order. My March friends - does anyone have any words of wisdom, suggestions, mantras, or some secret recipe for success and happiness?? I'm looking to y'all for help on the mindless eating and lack of control. I know that no one can help me with my personal mess, but your input is always welcome. Thanks for listening and being here for me. -Wendy

Wendy!!!! I'm sooo glad to see you! You work at Starbucks? You want to be my new best friend? Step away from the Starbucks Cinnamon Twists and muffins. Don't you know that they put Crack in those things? I'm so addicted to all things Starbucks. I try to limit myself to one trip a week and avoid the pastry counter. Evil Starbucks. I'm really sorry about the whole situation you're in right now. That's got to be tough, but you're not without support. We may be small, but we're mighty around here and we've held up well through the years. Instead of seeing the shrink one on one, what about group thereapy? It's cheaper and sometimes it helps to be in a room full of people who are potentially more screwed up. And I'm really crossing my fingers for that job to come through for you. OMMMMMMMM.... Good vibes, good vibes.... OK, enough about you, now let's talk about me... I feel a ramble coming on and here's my disclaimer: What I'm about to type only pertains to me and it doesn't mean I follow my own advice so take it for what it's worth. I also think it's fair to say that I had an outpatient back procedure this morning and I'm a little manic. Sedatives and painkillers have the opposite effect on me and tend to wire me. I just want you all to know that I'm typing really, really fast. Or maybe I'm not, but it sure seems that way. I know that we all try to get to the root of the eating behaviors and try to psychanalyze ourselves to death, but sometimes I think it's enough to treat the symptom, which for me is eating to soothe myself. I find myself eating to soothe some sort of agitation in my life and it might be so small or insignificant that I don't even know that I'm agitated. For example, The Man said he'd give me a call later in the day and didn't because he got tied up on a call (that's a whole 'nother Oprah.) I have a real thing about people not doing what they say they will and it eats at me. I know rationally that he always calls when he says he will, if he can. I'm not a needy person that needs to be called all the time and I have no issues with not being called, except, HE SAID HE WOULD. So what that he's standing over a dead body and some madman is running through town with an AK-47 shooting people from a bell tower - he said he'd call. He shouldn't have said he'll call if he wasn't going to. He should have anticipated a psychopath on the loose. Surely he has my number on speed dial so he can push the button and run after this guy while saying, "Honey, I'm busy, call you later. Miss you. Freeze, POLICE!" I realize this is my own issue, not The Man's. I understand that I need to change my expectations of people. I can think about these things rationally, but while I'm processing all these thoughts, I'm eating Pita Chips. I'm soothing my agitation. I had to find something besides eating to soothe my agitation or I'd soothe myself right back up to 286 pounds. For me it's painting walls. It's cheap therapy in a can. It's mindless, keeps my hands busy and I have a finished product that I feel good about at the end. I think all of my rooms are a 1/4 inch smaller from all the layers of paint on the walls. I've gotten up at 1:00 a.m. to paint a room when I've been really agitated about something. A good break up will cause me to remodel a whole room. One especially painful breakup years ago caused me to tile the kitchen, lay hardwood floors and rip out a wall. Another breakup had me gutting the bathroom. I was afraid that if I didn't stop breaking up with men, I'd have to add a second story to my house. I secretly name my rooms after men I've broken up with and I can tell how much pain I was in by how much work I did. The guy that dumped me a year and a half ago only got the baseboards replaced in a very small room. Not only that, but I got bored and never got around to staining them or attaching them to the wall. Ha! He thought I was really crushed, but I showed him by not even sustaining my pain long enough to attach 4 baseboards. I'm a little worried about this current relationship going well because if it does, I may never work on my house again and it may fall down around my head.... but it will be well painted. Maybe the paint will hold it together. OK enough of my rant. My point about mindless eating is that for me, it's not really mindless, it's soothing. If I have something else going on with my hands that I can do without much concentration, I'm not eating. Sometimes I do bead work, sometimes I make colored glass mosaics. My former mother-in-law colors with good old fashioned coloring books and crayons. It's more about getting into a zen state while occupying your hands. And if all else fails.... I eat. Big Hugs, Connie

Connie, Connie, Connie, I love your rants. I can always count on them to bring a smile to my face. Yep - I think Starbucks is the culprit of some of these pounds I've put on. It's not so much the pastries - I usually don't have enough time to eat anything while I'm there - we're always so busy. It's the drinks that do me in. Damn those Iced-Venti-Upside-Down-Nonfat-5-pump-Caramel- Macchiatoes!!! And Triple Venti Blended (2%) White Mochas - light on the whip, please! I'm a coffee junkie. Houston and Chicago are the test markets for a new Premium Hot Chocolate that is so rich, you'll think you've just ingested a box of Godiva chocolates. Too rich for me, but still tempting. Just what I needed, huh?!? Great idea about keeping my hands busy - - - I'll have to steal my daughter's crayolas and coloring books. I used to color all the time (even at college!) because it was so relaxing and mindless for me. When I had time (before my second child), I used to make cards - greeting cards. That consumed my mind and my hands. You can't eat while doing crafty things - it might mess something up! Hmmmm - I'll have to see if I can whittle out some "me" time and decompress with some creativity all the while keeping my hands busy so I don't reach for the Hershey Nuggets. Well, my littlest one is running through the house naked, so I need to go see what that's all about. I'll give y'all an update on the job situation soon. It's good news!!! -W-

Hey Wendy, First off, it is good to hear from you, Second your life can't be any more screwed up than mine. I certainly no how you feel. I can eat & drink just about anything. It is a good thing I don't drink alcohol or I would be in big trouble. If you did not read my recent post, I have not exactly been the poster child of good behavior lately myself. Most of mine is stress related in regards to the boyfirend issue. I have not had any support from him, either. We are on the edge of breaking up. again, which is the only thing I can do at this point. I have to get away from him. He does not abuse me physically, Just mentally which is much worse in my opinion. As for the eating problems, I don't have many answers accept take one day at a time & do one thing better than the day before. Concentrate on Water or just protein for a-day. De-carb yourself, that usually helps me. This board is awesome & will get you through anything. That is why I posted my problems on here. THEY ARE AWESOME & WE ALL STICK TOGETHER. which is far better than any other board that I am on. Hope this helps a little Hang in There!! Marilyn, the Bearlady

wow..........to both of you. Wendy, I know you are in pain....in a lot of areas of your life. But what Connie says helps. Find something to occupy yourself and your mind. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to find the right switch. I wish you all happiness and contintment. Connie: I have lots of blank walls...come on over.

Hi Wendy.......I'm not about to kick you in the butt.......Mama taught me to treat the girls properly. I will say to you that this is a good place to come for support. As usual, Connie cuts loose with lots of wisdom. For us, food is a tranquilizer, a soothing pain killer, a magic elixer and what's worse.....Our drug of choice is easily available, fairly inexpensive and totally legal!! Finding another, less destructive way of occupying our minds in times of trouble is the key (hopefully without re-modeling the whole house....LOL). I haven't found the right answer yet, but I'm still looking. Stay with us, together we'll figure it out. Mike

First - Connie cracks me up as usual, and she speaks with wisdom to boot! Second, I would say that if you are eating more and not having trouble with bigger pieces it is worth checking it out to make sure you don't have a failure there. But if it's the drinks, you gotta give 'em up for awhile. Or change what you drink. It's funny because I've never been much for black coffee but suddenly I love it. You might try it...make sure it's ground and brewed fresh...maybe an Americano, and see if you can get used to that. Then you could at least cut back on the drinks. Eating is what we do. That is why we started out here and ended up having wls. This is going to be a life-long battle for most of us, so finding ways to combat those demons is something we all have to try to figure out. If you do have a physcial break-down in your surgery somewhere, I would look to having a revision. For me, I don't want to give up what I've gotten, so I would definitely consider a revision if that were to happen to me. If you find you can eat sugary things that are the downfall of you, you might want to consider converting to RNY so that you dump. It's a great deterrent, that's for sure. Some people don't want to give up these things though, but for some people it's the answer to help keep them true. Keeps you from having your cake and eating it too, so to speak! For me, I have times where I want to eat up a storm (usually when I'm PMSing) and others where I have better control. I think when I mix things up and do "opposite" of what I normally do it helps me. But bottom line is, it's a constant modification for me. I have to mix things up a lot to keep myself in line. I have days where I try not to eat at all so I can get myself out of porking out mode. It does help. I hope you find that sweet spot...it's hard to find, that's for sure. Keep us posted and keep coming back here. I know it's hard to find the time to post sometimes, but when we go through a particularly hard time like this, it's important to seek out support and get our minds back on this. Dina