If my life wasn't already a Mess?

Hi Gang! Well if I wasn't already in the looney bin, I sure am now. I have been really stupid, & have gone a got myself fired for the first time in my Life. Yup, Being stupid has now cost me my job, as well as screwing up my life even more than it already was. I have done a whole lot of soul searching today. Still don't have a clue why I did what I did (O.K Iwasn't going to tell, but I will, I took money that was not mine, not much mine you, but enough to get me fired & in BIG TROUBLE). This is not me & at 52 you would think that someone else put there hands on me & did this. I no my life was in turmoil, but still don't have a reason for this stupid mistake in judgement. I have never stole a damn thing in my life & why now would I want to jeopordize not only my job, but my life like I did. I no my depression has been out of control lately(which is no excuse), but, I just don't have anwers to help me out here. I was just about to get Insurance again, so I could go see a Doctor, but, now who knows when it will be. This board has been my Life line for so long, that I felt I could tell you guys what I have done & you might not hate me like everyone else does right now. I need some help, & don't have a clue how to get any. We are only talking about $100, but I still took it & it sure wasn't gong to change a damn thing, so Why did I do It. The only answer I could come up with is maybe in some sub-consious way, I new I would get caught & someone would come to my rescue. Now I have to find a new job, which will be a lot harder now & still have the same problems as before. bills, boyfirend that I don't want, no money, now no job to get any money. So it is a big Mess. I think I will just go drown myself in the river. Maybe that would be an easier way out. (not really, I am not that crazy, yet!) O.K. so , I have vented long enough. If you have manage to get to the end of this & are still here. Congrats & If you have any words of encouragement I sure could use them. This mess really sucks, but, I did it, So I will have to get myself out of it all on my own. I no God forgives Everybody, but, with not being able to forgive myself for this damn mess. I sure wonder how God can manage that task. Marilyn, the Bearlady

Well Marilyn......I think that the words that apply here are: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone". And this boy ain't about to pick up any rocks!! I don't think that I would have had the courage to write that post. I'd like to think that I know you well enough to know that this was not something the "Bearlady" normally does and that you must have been under some intense pressure. I've done a few things in my life which do not make me proud. I'm not about to pass judgement on anyone else. The bottom line here is that I, for one will not withdraw my friendship because you made a mistake. I don't have any magic words to make it all better. I just hope that you can dig yourself out this trouble and get on with life. I'm rooting for you!!! Mike

Thanks Mikie, You have gone & manage to make me cry again, but In a good way. Thanks again. I needed that!!!! Marilyn

oh boy...mike said it so well... here's a big hug and a prayer for you-i cannot offer any encouraging words...just hope...and once you quit kicking yourself...i pray that you can get the break (in a good way) that you need.... i'm throwing hugs and prayers at you-no rocks!!!!!!!

Thanks Margo, I need all the prayers I can get!! Love you all, Marilyn

Marilyn, I just feel so bad for you. Desperation can lead us to do some crazy things and I think maybe you were feeling desperate. I'm not about to judge you because I'm not without my own share of bad judgement through the years. Marilyn, go to az211.gov and see if there are any counseling services in Bullhead City that might help. Many times an agency will work on a sliding or no fee basis depending on your cir****tances. Maybe this is an opportunity to get help, get out of the bad boyfriend situation and get a new start. Hugs, Connie

Marilyn! Sweetheart I will in NO WAY judge you for anything you have done, my list is long as weel so only hugs and prayers headed in your direction! I think you have to find a doctor and MAKE them see you and deal with the depression first. THere has to be a sliding scale clinic in your area. I hope today is a brighter day all around. I know how hard depression is I truly truly do and sometimes you need help to deal with and cope with stuff. The boyfriend thing I can't help ya with, if you don't love/want/enjoy him consider an alternative! HUGS! Nic 291-165-155

Marilyn, HUGE hugs heading your way. No judgment here, I'm way past that, but I do want to throw something your way to consider. When we were at our heaviest, we got that way because we were indulging in behaviors (out-of-control eating) that helped us feel better somehow. Let me speak for myself and see if this might apply to you in any way. I ate to fill a gaping hole in my soul that could never be filled. The article recently published in WLS Lifestyles Magazine addresses this issue. Eating made me feel better, but only in the moment. Binge eating gave me an incredible high, followed by the lowest of lows. Just like drugs and alcohol for other people. That behavior was obsessive and compulsive. I felt a constant pull towards over-eating, binge eating -- not to satisfy hunger, but to sooth my broken, wounded soul. Here's the thing -- research suggests that people who have a tendency to engage in obsessive, compulsive behaviors -- and then give up that behavior of choice -- feel compelled on some sub-concious level to find a substitute behavior. Many of us swap compulsive overeating for shoplifting or excessive use of alcohol or drugs, or we otherwise begin to engage in harmful behaviors that we believe will somehow make us feel better. Might this be happening for you? It's just something to look into, sweetie. In the meantime, you must, must, must get some help. Get some assistance with this from whatever source or agency is available to you in your present cir****tances. Stay in touch and let us know what's happening for you. We're in your corner, Marilyn. Now do the really, really hard work and find some help immediately. Love to you, Reenie

Reenine & Connie & All, Thank you so much for all of your care & love. It has helped so much already. I went over to my friends house last night & to church this a.m. Have decided to go to the Mental Health Center on Monday & ask for the help I need. Obviously this is not the real Me & I sure don't like it one little bit. Maybe in my mind at the time it was the only way I felt I could get the help I needed & want. That is the only real thing that we were able to come up with. I thank you again for all the support & will keep you updated on how it all works out. Love you lots. Marilyn, the Bearlady

No judging here either. Marilyn, I just hope and pray that you can find the help that you need. Hugs going your way.