HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED...

Wow, is all I can say at this point. I have just read all the response to your delimma Reenie. They were all great responses & since my realtionship with boyfriend is pretty much in the toilet lately. I do not have a whole lot to say. I no that we can not tell you what to do as in divorce or not, but I do hope that the therapist can help with working out your problems. It sounds like you really have some good times thrown in with the bad, so I hope you can work out the bad stuff. As for my relationship I just want out, so it has at this point nowhere to go but end. Mine has not touched me in a very long time & I am sorry, but I might be 52, but I am not dead & buried, so that has me just a little pissed, to say the least. I do need more in my life & getting over the fact that he has has not touched me in so long has done a real number on my brain. He has had a lot of problems with alcohol & is now sober for two weeks. It may be too little, too late for us. Too much has happened in the last 2 years that I have not been able to overlook. I look pretty darn good ( if I say so myself), & just would like a little acknowledgement in regards to that revelation once in awhile. so therefore I am & have been looking elsewhere for someone new in my life. Haven't found it yet, but, am sure looking. ANY TAKERs (just kidding.) Reenie, I do hope you can work out your marriage porblems. It sounds like he & you might be able to do that. Keep talking, that is the best offense in this case. Marilyn, the Bearlady

Okay, I'm really serious here...WE NEED TO WRITE A BOOK. What a group of incredibly intelligent, insightful, sensitive communicators -- all with their own story to tell...can you imagine??? Thanks so much for all of this. I'm sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable with this post but I'm not sorry for starting the thread because it really helped me get out of my head and look at this a bit more reasonably. Again, thanks especially to the guys for sharing their perspectives. Here's where I'm at: 1. When you live with a person for nearly 20 years it becomes increasingly difficult to remain respectful and kind; familiarity can and does at times breed contempt; and that's why it is more important than ever to put in the effort. 2. Men and women are vastly different in the way in which we process information...and life. Thanks Connie, for your especially provocative theory - I agree with every word and, as always, so appreciate your upbeat, happy take on everything. 3. I overreacted - because as Jen pointed out, it was one more incident piled on top of years of the same old incidences that never get "fixed" to my satisfaction. My level of frustration just plain bottomed out. 4. Before I take something personally, I need to ask if whatever it is that has upset me is or was intended to hurt me personally. I can say without question that Jim has never intentionally hurt me since the day we met. 5. Ken and Mike, what you really did for me is open a new door of understanding -- I simply have not looked at the fact that I HAVE CHANGED DRAMATICALLY and how those changes have implicated every facet of my life...I just haven't dealt with it. Nor have Jim and I dealt with it as a couple. How are people doing this??? 6. Jen, you are brilliant. Of course, Jillian gets it all - and knows her father differently than I know him. And that's perfectly okay, it's as it should be. 7. I love my husband. I want us to work things out. He is a very good man. And he DOES take out the garbarge...and cooks when I can't or don't want to; and loads the dishwasher and helps me fold the laundry and handles a pretty mean chainsaw and mucks horse stalls and pastures and works with kids in innercity Hartford all day long and I need to tell him how great I think he is. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

BINGO!!!! GIVE THE GIRL A KEWPIE DOLL!!! Your last sentence said the magic words. People in long term relationships tend to take each other for granted. I try to remind myself to tell my wife that I appreciate her and what she does. I find that this plus the occasional batch of flowers for no special occasion are much more important that big birthday or anniversary fuss. The little things really do matter Maureen!! Good luck to both of you. Mike

As often is the case, we just don't realize how good we have it until it is gone. Relationships are like flying an airplane. Sometimes you float along while other times you get hit with big changes in elevation and rough rides. But like Mike said, above it all we need to know we are appreciated, and that goes both ways.

Wow! What a heavy thread - and a lot of good stuff here. I have a lot of thoughts that run through my head but what hit me the most was what Connie said (as usual). But here is the weird thing: Although I agree there are gender tendencies, i.e.: Men tend to be oblivious to suggestions but will do things they are asked to do, this is where I fall out of gender. I am *just* like a man in that sense. I can walk over something a thousand times and never see it until someone points it out. And if they do, it's merely a mindless observance unless I'm asked to do something with it. Make it anything - garbage, laundry, a paper plate left on the table. I am much like Connie's husband was...I will gladly do what I'm asked to do, but I never stop to think something *needs* to be done. Go figure. So in a way, I can empathize with men who are like that. I "get" it in a way. It's not something I consciously do or don't do....I just am wired differently. And maybe that's why I enjoy my job as a dispatcher - much like a cop in that I love the excitement and like fixing situations...fixing problems. But routine things just fall by the wayside. As for the situation with your daughter, Maureen, well, others have given you better advice than I could have. I can see your points, but I also see the others' points mentioned...and I would never have thought about it had they not mentioned it. All I know is I always learn something when I come here!!! Dina