blah blah blah this is a long one

let me tell anyone who has started to read this that they might want to turn right around and head off to an interesting message. this is mainly a whine session for me. still here? dont say i didn't warn ya. this is my busy season at work. so i'm stressed out from that. deadlines at a newspaper are horrible. customers are stressed out. other co-workers are stressed out. its just not a nice place right now. usually in the past i love the craziness of it but right now i've got so many things going on in my head that i don't enjoy it. i'm dreading the holidays too. the boyfriend issue i've tried talking to him but its just not working. either he is playing dense or is extremely dense. i know he knows there is a problem but i think maybe he is ignoring it becuase he knows it bothers me enough to say goodbye. so he is trying very hard in other areas to compensate. unfortuanately they aren't the areas that i need. he doens't get it. so i keep trying to talk hoping things will turn out the way that i wish. they aren't. now i gotta make that move on the decision that i've made but gee****s not any easier now when i'm almost 52 then it was way back when i was only 15. it is the right thing to do. it is also the hardest. then there is the bills. they are better. the best thing i did for myself was to go to the financial advisor. they are getting paid on time now and for the most part i'm caught up for the monthly ones with a good strong plan set up to pay off the credit things. all in all thats good. i'm jsut not well off right now. money is tight. the holidays are coming. and i just do not have the extra to get nice gifts. oh sure i've got plans set up to give some little things to my kids (who are adults in their late 20's but i dont care at christmas they are little kids) and my mother and sister too. i've told everyone to please do not go over board on the gifts to me. too late for my daughter cause she already has paid for a trip for her &me to disney in january for my birthday & christmas. I"m excited about it and can't wait to go but feel so guilty. then my son the oldest is getting married this summer. ok i'll let that go its still 7 months away i've got alittle bit of time to save up for a nice gift for him. Oh then theres the car....the good news is that the guy *****ar ended me has insurance that is covering the repairs. the bad news is it is making bad sounds and lights are going off on the panel and there is a smell from under the hood. all stuff that hasn't been caused by the accident. all stuff that i'm going to have to pay for. if it would only make it til 2006 presidents car sales. everything depends on this and everything depends on that. nothing is ever just ok. i'm not getting any younger so who knows maybe my engine is on the fritz too. i'm not looking forward to being out in the single life again either. it wasn't that much fun the last time 3 years ago. i'm out of the loop as far as where the older crowd hangs out to meet others. and i'm not even sure if i really want to meet anyone. maybe i'm destined to just be alittle old lady with 2 cats and a small yappy dog in a condo all alone. maybe i'll just google walkers start saving up for a good one. motorized too. with a little basket on the front and a horn to beeb at people who get in my way. i think i'm getting sick of my pity party myself! on the good size i went to my consignment shops where i dropped off some old clothing and they sold a good amount! i ended up buying myself out of that money (it was found money so I could spend it without feeling guilty) a nice pair of jones of new york pants ONLY $6!!!! and a almost new black banana republic sweater ONLY $10 !!!!! then I found this fantastic red stretchy T-top for under the sweater on clearance (yes consignment shops have clearance racks too) for ONLY $1...oh my god isn't that wonderful???? I ended up coming home with a check after they took out what I had bought for $51. that was nice. OOOOO Our department is cleaning up for a move. One of the women found pictures of a sales ralley we had 2 years ago before my surgery. I didn't recognize myself! I had tears in my eyes and I wished I could have hugged me back then. why is it any old pictures I find are always pictuers of when I"m eating??? what is wrong with people that they llike to take pictures of fat me when I'm eating. tahts the worst possible moment to document. I think in one of the pictures I even had food on my chin. I'm glad I have the pictues they are going in my scrap book. I showed them to the new guy at work I said do you recognize this person? he said no does she still work here? i said well yes your looking at her. i'm feeling alittle bit better now. Maybe I'll call up my friend Rosie and see if she wants to go out for coffee. At least its a start right? thank you to anyone who was brave enough to make it to the end of this possting!

I made it to the end and I'm hugging you right now...would have hugged you "back then" too -- Pammie, even when you're sad, you're funny as hell. You'll know what to do and when to do it. When a door closes, another one will open, remember that. As Charlotte said to Wilbur over and over again, chin up...Maureen

Hang in there. I can hear my own voice through yours. You may be lonely, but you are certainly not alone. Joy

ok..you asked for it...here it comes: Things I learned. After bad relationships and weight loss journey. Take time for your self. Once you are healed, all kind of good things will start to happen. Dating in the real world is not fun. Take your time and do not NOT settled for less. Make a list of what you are looking for in a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with and keep that list and remind yourself of what is on that list everytime you meet someone. I got lucky on a singles dating site called webdate (it's a free site) and met some one locally. Out of town dating is the pits. You need to be able to meet someone and spend time with them, to get to know them. I was 52 when I had my surgery and I am 54 now. Do not be in a hurry. Spend time for you. Take care of you first. Inexpensive Christmas gifts: Gifts in Jars. The dried cookie mixes, homemade fudge and other Christmas goodies. This year I took 20-35 strings of Chiristmas lights and put them in quart jars with potpourri around them and used the jar ring up top over a laced doiley. (I bought a lace curtain from the dollar store and cut it in circles to use.) They look really cute and make excellent bathroom night lights. I take a lot of pictures of beach and lake secnes, sunrise and sunsets, I put them in picture frames. Also printed some poems and framed them. I do not have my license to preach so I will stop at this. Hope this helps you some. And sometimes the best thing to do is to go ahead with your decision so you have to no longer worry.

I wanna come to the pity party. One of my co-workers was fired on Friday and I now get to manage her team as well as mine. I won't bore you with all the details, but let's just say my nerves are on the ragged edge where work is concerned. I've been working 12 and 14 hour days with no break for lunch for months now. I'm going to pinch the next person who says government employees are lazy. I leave for Spain in 6 days and need to be prepared for Christmas before I leave. That ain't happening because I've got the cold from hell. Someone has poured cottage cheese in my lungs and my throat is coated with sandpaper. Kathi's trial was postponed until Tuesday. That's a kink in the middle of my week. I can't call in sick to work tomorrow becaue I'll be in court all day Tuesday and Thursday is a holiday. My mother "fixed" her computer again which means that I get to spend at least the rest of today working on it to get it running again. The woman loaded AOL version 9 on it 4 times and wonders why it won't run. I swear I'm going to tape her fingers together. As soon as I'm off here, I'll load up on Tylenol Cold and Flu and head across town to sit on her computer for the day. I'm cranky and frustrated and really can't complain about anything. I have a blessed life and know it. My bumps in the road are so much less than others. I have family and friends who love me huge. My kid is healthy. I have both of my parents, although I'd like to send them to their rooms. My dog entertains me endlessly. And I have this wonderful board to come to when I'm struggling. Vent away Pam, that's why we're here. Hugs, Connie

Thanks connie, isn't it great that when we need to vent we can type away the blues? your last paragraph says it all I too am blessed in life, my bumps in the road arent all that bad. I have family and freinds who love me and my children are healthy too. thanks and have a wonderful trip & holiday pam

Friends means never having to say you're sorry for venting.....Hey Pam, we're all friends here, so vent away. I'm so far out of the loop on dating, it's pathetic, so I won't dare to advise you there. I'm glad to hear that the financial world is improving. As for Christmas, people who love you will not judge you on the amount of money you spend on them. I had a great "used clothing week" myself. My Father in Law who has lost a lot of weight was cleaning out his closet and gave me a couple of practically new sweaters and a beautiful wool herringbone overcoat all of which fit like they were made for me!! And finally.......yes those old pictures are both a shock and a reason to stay on the "Straight and Narrow"!! CHEERS! Mike

Hi Pam & All, O.K Pity Party's are O.K to have, but, I agree you have to make that list of all the good stuff going on in your life & look at it everyday. Then, as Our Pastor at church today said, Throw it all away. You cannot change yesterday it is don & gone forget it, You can only change the tomorrows. Make the list of what you want in your life. As they happen cross them off & put it out of your mind. We are always here for you, so you are not alone in anything. You are a wonderful person & am worthy of everything you want out of life. Now get up off that chair & give yourself a BIG HUG and say to yourself I LOVE ME, I LOVE ME, I LOVE LIFE, I LOVE LIFE & you will start to see changes you like in you life. IT CAN HAPPEN!! Have a Great Thanksgiving! Marilyn, the Bearlady