Why Do I Do It?
Hi friends - it's been a while. I know when I stay away from you for too long a period of time, I'm in deep doo-doo. Woke up this morning with the strongest sense of resolve and commitment to stay on track with my eating and exercising today; realized about 5 miles into my commute to work this a.m. that I had forgotten my workout clothes (as I did yesterday as well). Here I sit post-lunch of a South Beach pizza -- and 2 pop tarts and a fistfull of candy corn later -- feeling green to the gills and full of guilt and remorse. Why do I do this? Why can't I get through a day without eating junk and crap? Whereas a month ago I was pretty easily maintaining a weight of 142-143 lbs., I'm now struggling to stay at around 146-147. It will be a matter of time before I'm back over the 150 mark and more...what's going on???? I also realized driving home from work yesterday that I am living with a quandry, something that I've never wrestled with before. First, it's this insatiable HUNGER. I can't emphasize enough, I've never felt hunger like this in my life. It is a deep, cavornous pit of hunger and I swear I can feel the emptiness of my pouch, just totally empty of nutrients, of life; there was another piece to this that is important but I can't remember what it is now...I'm having one of those extreme low blood sugar attacks and my mind is blank and numb. At any rate, this is a crazy way to live and I just can't do the right things any more...anyone else? What to do, what to do??? Love, Maureen
maureen...you are one of the people i look up to. you always write the most sensitive replys to all of us. you are supportive. you are strong. when you are having a hard time of it it scares me.
i know you can do the right thing.
i know you can stop doing the negative things with food. turn yourself around and go back on the right path.
i can't remember which posting i read but its one that has stuck with me. it was the one were someones doctor told her that back when she had the surgery she was ready to die having it to lose the weight and get healthy. are you ready to die gaining that back reenie? its a question i ask myself when i feel the need for the hurtful things.
everyone of us can tell you what to do. but you already know what to do.
if you can't be strong for you can you be strong for me? for your family? for everyone else that reads these postings and listens and cares for you? what about the support group? they all look up to you too.
i care about you. i'm praying that you get yourself back on track. I know you can do it.
I am right there with you Maureen. Why, why why? Since I have met Alton I have gained 10 lbs. I know better. But all of a sudden the ice cream is in the house plus the candy, plus the chips. As long as I do not see it, I am ok. But once I start, there is no stopping.
The best part of it is,,,,I am still in the same clothes. I did have to buy a bigger wedding dress but I think that was mainly due to not having the TT and I have the extra skin up front and I had to get something bigger to look better.
I told Alton, I had to stop, and He had to quit buying. What did he do? He went and got a weight bench. So now we are building a room onto the house and putting a roof on the patio for the karoke stuff and the weight bench and the treadmill.
When I mentioned this to the nutrionist, she told me I was not getting enough protien and therefore I was staying hungry. I have tried ot take the advise and eat more protein at work in the mornings. But i STILL GET OFF TRACK.
Maureen, you really are my hero. What makes you that way is your honesty. People can have their schedule and foods regimented to the nines, but the bottom line is....life isn't like that. To say that "every day, I eat x-y and z at 10:05 am" isn't realistic. I'm tired of reading about people who are so perfect, that they feel they have to share their perfection with the rest of us mere mortals. We are going to have some days where we are starving. Period. I have them, you have them, we ALL have them, despite what people say. Very few people eat the same things every day. Sometimes I think that we are trying to regiment ourselves to such a stringent degree that it leaves us unfulfilled psychologically, causing us to feel it physically. I just had dinner. My daughter had pizza and chicken nuggets. I had brie with garlic and some wheat crackers. I was DYING for dessert. I had 2 wheat cracker smeared with a little cottage cheese, sprinkled with splenda and cinnamon. Fortunately for me, I don't have any junk in the house. If I did, I'd eat it for sure. I STRESS over food. I am always trying to find the right thing, but I do make wrong decisions. Tomorrow night, Ray and I are going out for latin food. I worry about what the menu is going to have on it. A salad for dinner again? It's cold out, I want hot food. Food is stressful for me, no doubt. If that boat is getting hard to paddle, it's because I'm in it with you.
Joanie
Thanks ladies, as always, for your feedback. While I certainly don't wish to wallow in the "misery loves company" axim, it does help to know that I'm not all alone in this. I had the thought as I drifted off to sleep last night that as a baby, we had to stumble and fall innumerable times in order to learn to walk. Perhaps this is the stage at which I find myself now; a baby, learning to live healthily, in a normal-sized body, and inviting food into my life in a non-obsessive, non-compulsive, non-detrimental way -- this is a totally forgeign concept to me and I'm hoping for a huge learning curve. For now, one baby step at a time. And it's so good to know that when I stumble and fall, your arms are stretched out to me. Have a good day, friends. Maureen
HI Reenie & All,
I have been away this week as I am getting use to the new schedule
of sleeping and yup, eating as well. Reenie I also looke up to your honesty
& information you put onto this board. You are sure not alone, we all do
and wonder why?, later. When we eat those @#$#@ Carbs they trigger
something in our heads to just keep eating more. That is why we should
stay with mostly protein. Easier said than done on some days. I have been dealing with that time of the month crap this week & that alwasy
triggers the chocolate syndrome (have to have it) thank God, its almost
over & I can get back on track myself. I have started a routine where I
am going to the gym in the mornings on the way home from work & that
seem to be working. I know for me if I exercise I don't want to eat as
much. So kick yourself in the (you-no-what) and get back on track. You
have come way to far to stop fighting those urges now. Hang in there!!
& no you are sure not alone in this & we are here to fight right along with
you!!
Marilyn, the Bearlady 
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