My stuff...

Jen - Boy I know you've been through the relationship wringer lately. Sounds like we do have some things in common. I remember when I started this journey I thought to myself "Well, I'm not going to be one of those who has a marriage fail....ours is too strong." Well, I may have been trying to convince myself just a little too hard of that. I think I got into a mode of believing that because that is what I felt the truth of our relationship was years ago. But once it was damaged 5 years ago, it never recovered. But I believed it would get back there. But with no work being done to get back there (my husband refused counselling until NOW), nothing can get back to normal. And just having a friendship as a marriage, although it can be done, when you lose that, it's harder to get back. If you never lose that friendship, it can be one of the strongest relationships out there. But for us, we lost that friendship and it suffered greatly. Thing is, once I started seeing that it seemed like we were actually starting to DISlike each other, it became more clear to me that we couldn't continue on like this. He said to me at one point "We don't really even like each other much anymore, do we?" Well, he was "joking" but the reality of that struck. That was an ah-hah moment for me. He was right. I was spending more and more time at work voluntarily. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is. Thanks so much for being there to share your life as well. Hearing what other people are going through has helped a lot. Tremendously....and I'm always here for emails too. Dina

Dina, So, so sorry to hear about your marriage. Don't you hate that we've become another statistic? It sounds like you are approaching this from a very positive angle. I believe that if you know this is the best thing for both of you, it will be manageable...not fun, but manageable. The details of divorce are excruciating. I'm not trying to scare you - just trying to give you an idea of what you need to prepare for. My divorce is still ongoing and because of finances (husband lost his job - can't pay child support, our house is on the market - hasn't even had a "looker", etc.), we'll probably be in limbo for a while. We are still living under the same roof which, at times is horrible. We don't fight, we just don't like each other anymore. There is so much resentment built up on both sides that we barely can contain the rage some days. But because of our children, we do our best. I never thought that this surgery would have caused me to really look at my marriage in a different light, but if I were still at my original weight I don't think I would be where I am now. I would have merely settled for "enough" and not been willing to demand more than that. I'm excited about starting over. It's kinda like spring cleaning. Hubby is just a gigantic dust bunny that I'm sweeping up and tossing out. ;o) We'll always be linked by the girls, but I think we can get along enough to avoid huge confrontations in the future. Congrats on your decision. I know what it takes to get to where you are and I applaud your strength. I'm only a phone call away if you need a shoulder, some advice from someone who's been/is there, etc. I have some websites on divorce that may help as well. Hang in there. The tough part is making the decision to make the break. You're really halfway through! Hugs! -Wendy

Wendy, I know you have had a lot of trials lately and I read with great interest about your story when you posted a month or so back. I don't remember if I responded but I think at that point I was still trying to convince myself that it wasn't going to be what happened with us. I think the thing is, the fear of DOING it is harder than doing it. Maybe I'll be proven wrong on this, but I just didn't want to make the decision in my mind. We are still in the same house as well and that is hard sometimes. Sometimes it's like status quo, other times it's strained because suddenly he is wanting to try to reconnect and it is akward for me. I'm past that point, but you can see he is trying to get us back to normal. I don't want to hurt his feelings, so if he asks if he can kiss me or cuddle, I am non-commital. But I feel like I've already broken away from that. That's the hardest part for me right now. He turned down counselling and I accepted that. Then he wants to change. I can't go back and forth....and my heart just isn't in it. Here's to us getting on with our lives in the least painful way possible...email anytime you want. Sounds like we have a lot in common too.... Dina

Dina, I'm giving your post a lot of consideration and will reply later - it's painful because, as you know, I'm right there with you -- I just have to say for now how damned proud I am of you and how I admire, perhaps even envy, your incredible strength. You are something...Talk to you soon. Maureen

I know you have a lot to think about too Maureen. You know you can email me anytime and chat about it. You've been dealing with this dilemma a lot longer than I. I understand how hard it is to think about sometimes....I know you care! And I do too! Dina