My stuff...

Well, I started thinking about it and realized that I have been mostly a lurker and haven't done much as far as updating on me lately. Well, the weight news: 189.5....finally under 190. I keep edging my way down even though I'm supposed to be out of the weight loss phase. Being 19 months out, most have made their goals by now but I'm still fighting to get there. At least I haven't given up. But I'm not perfect. If I was a little more motivated, I'd probably lose it quickly enough but I'm just partially motivated, I guess. I'm hoping to see plastic surgery soon. I haven't gotten my referral yet but am working on it. All of the plastic surgeons I checked with on my own won't do my surgery with insurance because they say insurance only pays for a basic procedure which they won't do. They don't think it provides as nice of a result, so I'm SOL with that. On the personal front: It looks like I'm going to be one of those statistics you all hear about. Odd that I would post this today - the day before my 12th anniversary, but I do believe my husband and I are going to get a divorce. What I have come to realize that I didn't realize when I started this journey is that it's not that the surgery dooms our marriages. It is that the surgery takes away some layers of things that kept us in marriages that we may not have recognized as being unhealthy before. I think for me, at 325 lbs I had a huge dose of fear about being alone at 325 lbs. I think I could have done it, but I would have been a sad recluse. I never considered that I was staying in my marriage because of fear. I just was complacent. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't think there was an alternative. I wasn't miserable like someone who was being abused, but I was lonely. Now that I have lost the weight, I realize that being by myself is something I almost crave. My marriage was based on an amazing friendship I had with my husband, but in retrospect, I realize it wasn't enough because when life changed and we were no longer friends, we didn't have anything to hold us together. Our life in the bedroom was almost like an obligation (I think for both of us) of marriage and not something either of us was excited about. Well, what I came to realize is that when the focus of your relationship dies, if you don't have balance, there is nothing to bring you back from the brink. Other couples I began to realize that when they didn't relate well, they still desired each other in other ways. We didn't. Anyway, there are a LOT of issues that have brought us to this point. Things I won't likely ever reveal on a public forum, but enough that I realize this is going to be our fate. Neither of us is wracked over this nor are we fighting or angry. This is all good. I just dread the details. So anyway, that is the update for me. Hope I'm not a downer for you all, but I see this as more of an opportunity for the future rather than destruction of my past. Thankfully we're still friends (just not good enough friends to sustain this). Dina

I'm sorry to hear that your going through this. I always get sad when I hear another marriage is done. I was married for 25 years when mine ended. It was a terrible time for me. But that was over 10 years ago. Things have changed so much for me now. All of them positive. I feel for you and know that its going to take time and the pain that you will go through is nothing that anyone can discribe. But the ones who have gone through it know. Your in my prayers. goodluck and god bless, pam

Thanks so much Pam. I appreciate the prayers.....Dina

Hey Dinka, Glad to hear from you & sorry about the problems you are facing. I think along with the wieght loss our minds have to adjust to this big change in us as well & if you really think you & your husband don't have a future, than, it is probaly for the best to part as friends before you become enemies. I think you hit the nail on the head, when you said we lose alot of our layers after WLS & we deal with life and everything that comes our way different when we were fat & heavy people. Now, as you say, we do not have to stay in a relationship JUST BECAUSE. I have had lots of changes in the last 19 months as well, one of which was breaking up with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 months. We are now back together & things are going MUCH better than they ever did before. 1. He is an alcoholic & has admitted it. 2. He is getting help to get off of that addiction (which he never did before) 3. I am not sure what the reason is yet, but, God has brought us back together, so we are really working at it and communicating more than we ever did before. So maybe thats the key to success here, Is try talking your feelings out with your husband, if that still doesn't work, than, I agree you should go your seperate ways & you be better for it. They tell us in the beginning that with all the changes we face that some relationships just won't survive. If it is meant to be, you will work it out, if it is not, than go with whatever works the best for you. Keep in touch & don't be afraid to post, We will help in anyway we can. I think you know that!! Marilyn, the Bearlady :wave;

Marilyn - I have been following your situation and recall reading your posts about your relationship. It is wonderful that your boyfriend has agreed to get help with his alcoholism. It's horrible when something like that tears apart an otherwise good relationship. As for us, well, we have no issues like that which are getting in the way. The problem is more that we have nothing holding us together anymore. Like I said, there is much more that I can't go into here, but it's pretty much a done deal. Yesterday was pretty hard for me because it was our 12 year anniversary and I just didn't want to face it. So I slept all day. And avoided. Hopefully we'll be able to move on without too much of a problem. The details will kill me.....I'm sure. I suck at details. Dina

Yes Dina, I'm sorry to hear about your marital problems, but as for your being a "Downer".......NO WAY!!!!!!!! This particular piece of news is a sad one and I hope that you can resolve it with a minumum of pain and I hope that you find what you need as your journey continues. Please don't avoid posting whatever your news is. Your posts are always thought-provoking and worthwhile. I'm glad to hear that you are still losing weight.....that's very encouraging. Of course it's a slow-go......it seems like we must fight for every pound the closer we get to where we want to be. Please stay in touch......we need to hear from you. Mike

Thanks so much Mike. I really appreciate your attitude and support. You're always here with a kind word...that is very comforting! Dina

Dina, I'm so proud of you. I know you've had more than one moment when you thought you'd never see under 200 pounds. You have the bigger pouch and from the get go, I think it's been a little tougher for you. You've hung in there and persevered. I'm very sorry about your marriage. It sounds like you are handling it well and I have nothing but faith that you'll get through this with your usual grace. Hugs, Connie

Thanks so much Connie. Yes, I do struggle with that huge pouch. I found out the other day I could eat a whole bagel (not the little one, but the big bakery ones) without nary a twinge of having eaten too much. That startles me because to me that is a "normal" portion size that I would eat pre-surgery that I wish I couldn't eat now. The difference is that I would get sick if I ate more than that now, whereas I could continue eating before. That, and I can eat less than that bagel and be satiated and need to remind myself of that. Dina

Oh, Dina, My sister on the other side of the country. I think about you a lot babe. I think that, no matter what, the closer we can come to the truth about things, the better it is, for everyone. For us, the truths in our lives can be really painful, and we can go to great lengths to avoid it.. like the truth that I stayed with my boyfriend for as long as I did because I was lazy and scared of being alone.. I am not proud of that, I was using him, not with that intention, but still, I did it. It took me months to come to terms with it and do right by him, which was to stop leading him on that the relationship might become a marriage, and move out so that we could each grow as we needed and hopefully find fuller relationships. I can't imagine how much harder and how much worse it is with a marriage. Thankfully it sounds like you are both handling this really maturely and I hope that continues. I will send you my best supportive vibes from here in Jersey. Come around and use us for support, D.. Love, Jen