MUSINGS ON MARCHERS' LONGEVITY

Not in terms of our lifespans but in terms of our Board -- staying connected. Mike brought up this issue in a recent post and I've been thinking a bit about it and just wanted to share. Mike, I think you were disheartened to discover that "older" Boards are very inactive and you expressed some concern that this may indeed be our fate as well. I'm going to open a can of worms here and look forward to your feedback, everyone. None of us wants to really look in the face of the reality of our cir****tances -- it's a scary face...we have stopped losing weight. Some of us are maintaining at goal, some of us have not reached the goals we initially established for ourselves, and some of us are regaining our weight. Who of us really wants to embrace that reality??? Not me! Nonetheless, one of my mantras in life is I cannot fix what I don't know is broken. In other words, I have own the problem before I can solve it. Mike, I suspect that the reason past Boards have faltered and faded away is because the members found themselves at exactly the same place where we are now: no longer losing, maintaining, or regaining. And they were ill-prepared to deal with that. I believe that now, more than ever, more than in the beginning 5 years from now, this is the moment that we must support one another. I remember clearly saying to my son when he was 5 and wanting so badly to swim without those arm floaty thingings, he said, "Mommy, I want to swim but I'm afraid." And I said, "Devin, I'm right here. Just face your fears and do it anyway!" And with me an arms length away, he gathered his 5-year-old courage and flailed his arms through the water until he reached the end of the pool. And I was right there beside him every flap of the way, ready to support him -- hold him up -- if he needed me to. This is where we're at, guys. If you're not ready to swim, that's ok. If you're going under, that's ok too. Just know that we're right there beside you. Every flap of the way. This Board on the Endangered Species List??? I don't think so!!! I'm afraid of the weekend. The weekends are very difficult for me. But I'm gonna swim. Please stay beside me. Love you huge, MauREENIE

Maureen - I was just thinking about this as well. I do lurk and try to read when I can and I did read Mike's post. I thought about it for awhile and I think I'd add just a little bit more to what you wrote (which I think pretty much nails it). One thing I'd add is that I think people quit coming to connect because they no longer have questions and their "journey" appears to be over. They have settled into their lives as they are and don't feel they have anything to share or glean from others. However, this March board is much different from other ones in that we share more than just wls with each other. That's important. Because even though our focus may not be on weight anymore, we have been through a lot together and we're friends beyond the weight issues. And who cares if we take it off topic? The point is that we all have something in common and now we are a community that shares a common bond. It may not be the main focus as time goes on, but it is the main thread that holds us together. Some "classes" stick together, while others just catch up at the 20 year reunions. I think we'll be in the first one... Dina

you are just an amzaing person. You always seem to reach out there at the right times with the right messages. I agree with you that we are doing better than other boards because we do share more about ourselves than just WLS stuff. That is why I keep coming back for more. No one can get us through the rough times better than someone that is dealing with the same issues & timing factor as we are. When I signed up with the Doctor that did my surgery. part of that sign-up was that we would commit to Him & his after-care program for a mimimum of 5 (five years). I think there is something about that that hits home here with our group. We can comee here to talk about Deaths in our family's, Divorce's, Therapy problems, Depression Problems, Date problems, & WLS problems as well. whatever comes up we all seem to know we can come here & discuss it & we will get answers that maybe no one else has in our (real lives). We hurt, We cry & we laugh together & that is true friendship that we don't always get with our family members. They just don't get it sometimes. ( if you all know what I mean!) I will be here as long as all of you are ( as long as the computer deamons stay away) You guys & girls are my life line & I know we will get past this stumbling block of the stalled weight loss. I truly believe it is just the timing & as soon as we get re-commited to ourselves we will all start losing again or at least maintaining what we have done. My Doc says don't ever get complacent in your thinking & I think that is exactly what we have done. So we need to Kick ourselves in the BUTT!! & get our acts back on doing the right things & not worrying about those damn #'s on the scale & it will start going in the down direction. I do believe He (MY DOC) has something in that statement that I now understand a lot better than I did in the early days of this journey. Hope this didn't get too boring & You got to the end of it. Still love all of you & sure hope you all stick around for a long time to come. Marilyn, the Bearlady

Maureen..... Once again, you've gotten right to the meat of the matter. We sink or swim together! I'm here for the long run, because if I can't make this work, I really fear what will become of me. The possibilities are ones I'd rather not consider. And I must agree totally with Dina and Marilyn about how we have become a family who share all of our failures and successes whether on topic or off. If we can keep this special community going, we will all swim on and get stronger as we go. Big Hugs coming ATTCHA!! Mike

I"m in for the long haul. Its scarey to think that someday we might get comfortable with being skinny. This is all so new even now to me and so very unbelieveable that I can not imagine feeling like it is normal. I've said it before I'll say it again...I feel almost everyday that I am in disguise. I use to feel that I had a fat suit on. I wished and wished and wished and prayed and prayed and prayed to find the zipper. But it was invisible. Dr Aranow found that zipper. Now I feel like I'm like cinderella! I dont ever want the clock to strike 12! It still feels like a dream. I'm in the fire dept and last week while on at a drill one of the guys had his camera and took pictures of everyone. He gave me a copy of mine. I didn't recognize me. I couldn't find me in the picture even though I was right in the front! Its the first real picture that I've had that I can carry around. I keep it close by me. I'm trying to get my head to think of me as now instead of what i was.Will that make me comfy with me? Will that make it that I will be alble to pick me out of a picture or look in the mirror and see the real me? The picture also showed me that I'm not fat anymore. I'm thinner than the couple of women who I thought were so skinny. They told me that they were heavier than me but of course I thought they were being nice. This is such a strange wonderful world now. I'm loveing it! But I dont' want to get comfy!

Even though I am a "marcher" (3/30/04) I feel out of the loop. My own fault. I don't get to the message board often enough. And then, when I do, I feel ya'll are such a nice group of folks who've shared much more than just WLS, that maybe I shouldn't "intrude" on your conversations.I haven't "earned" the right to be here and voice an opinion or state a comment. No one from the group have EVER made me feel that way...it's just MY OWN perception. (which can be pretty skewered!!) From the few times I Do manage to get to the board, I get the feeling that this group is still going to be supporting, encouraging each other 5 years from now. Heck, you may even have a "in the flesh" REUNION by then...you are good people...wish you all the best.

Please don't feel that way,Ellen. One of the beautiful things about this group is that it is INLUSIVE, not EXCLUSIVE!!! There is no need to "earn the right"; no dues to pay; no qualifications of any kind. When I joined this board, I was pleased and suprised at the welcome I recieved. That's what makes this the strong community it is. You are welcome here!! Thanks for all of your kind words about our group, but please feel free to join in. I hope that you are right that we might have some sort of Live Reunion, but the logistics probably would not make it possible. Thanks for posting and please, don't be a stranger. Mike

Ellen, I'm so glad to see your post. I always wonder who is out there reading but not posting and I'm thrilled that you decided to share. Please come often and share with us. The more we share, the stronger we become, individually and also as a group. When you say that you haven't "earned" the right to be here, you couldn't be more wrong. Please keep joining in. Hugs, Connie

Maureenie, I really think that two of the secrets to keeping this weight off are going to be not taking the surgery for granted and remembering that we are not like other people. We've talked about this before, but my chiropractor has 4 wls patients and he tells me that I'm the only one who has done this well. My pcp tells me the same thing. I know a lot of people who have had this surgery. I've been an angel to 6, most of them who had surgery before me. I work with several women who had the surgery, I've been to support groups with dozens and dozens more. Most of the people I've encountered have gained at least a little weight back and a couple have gained almost all of it back. Two of my best friends had surgery over 2 years ago and are maintaining beautifully. So I started really looking at why a few people have kept it off and why most have not. I've noticed that people who try to eat like "normal" people gain weight back. One of the women who has gained back almost all of her weight brings a bag of candy to meetings, pours it out in the middle of the table and snacks. Another woman who works with us and had the surgery is starting to do the same thing. "Normal" people can do this and not weigh over 300 pounds. We former fatties can't do that. Our broken metabolisms aren't made to handle this kind of intake. I can't eat what the average 156 pound woman can eat. If I did, I'd weigh 256 pounds inside of a year. I've noticed that the people who have maintained over two years have surrounded themselves with other wls folks. They stay active in support groups, have friends who have had wls and remind themselves constantly that they have to maintain a certain lifestyle if they expect to keep the weight off. I know that when I go out with friends who have had wls, I'm far less inclined to put something in my mouth that I shouldn't (other than my foot). So Maureenie, my friend, I think that staying active on this board will be one of the things that keeps me focused and aware. To be successful, I must be mindful that I am not like most people, I cannot eat like most people. I must surround myself with people who will help me stay the course and I choose all of you. Hugs, Connie

When I start thinking I've got something "licked" - that is the beginning of the end. From time to time I get busy in my 'real life' but I always come back to the board, to home base. I think Connie is right, we are NOT 'normal' - regardless of what the scale says. And all the 'off-topic' stuff we share.. I don't know if it is really so off-topic.. If we don't share it, we will eat it, and after we swallow our problems, conflicts, fears, worries, and pain, we will soon return to swallowing everything else. So I think our 'off topic' stuff is really the heart of the issue. The fat was a symptom, the surgery a tool... compared to other boards I've seen, we Marchers I think are much more cognizant of the fact that it is really our way of looking at the world, interacting with the world, and coping that have to change for us to be healthy. And regardless of where we are, weight wise, we have so much more work to do for ourselves and so much more support to lend to eachother. I am trying but I can't undo 30 years of skewed perceptions, negative anticipation, controlling attitudes, depression.. (those are just mine, feel free to substitute your own) in two years and sure as heck know I can't do it by myself. So Maureen, I've got my swimmies on. Stay close, okay? Love, Jen