FOLLOW-UP

I just read my last post to you and you might think the worst of Devin because you don't know him. He has never been in trouble before; he has always been a very loving, funny, well-liked kid. He has NEVER done anything that would cause me to worry like this. He has never set anything on fire or played with weapons of any kind and I'm not worried that he's going to start--we don't have anything like that around the house. I am just looking for some help with helping him with his anger. The therapist Jim and I are seeing tell us this is all part of the adolescent boy thing, boys going through puberty. Devin is very bright. It's just that almost overnight, he seems very, very unhappy and I want to help him get through this. That's all. Don't think the worst of my son, he's a good, kind person. He's having a hard time coping with life right now -- and we all know what that's about. Thanks again. Maureen

Maureen; I am very hesitant to say anything on this subject, because I am totally unqualified in psycological matters, but here I go anyway...... I'm not totally buying into the adolescent boy theory. This sounds like too simplistic an answer to a fairly radical personality change. My question to you is: How does this change in Devin relate time-wise to your marital difficulties?? I know of many instances of children reacting very badly to parental marital trouble. The most recent one involved my younger daughter's best friend. I have known Jesse all of her life and she was always a bright, level-headed girl who was always on the honor roll at school. When her parents started having marital trouble, she started acting out big time!! She went totally boy-crazy, thinking of nothing else and changing boyfriends the way most of us change socks. Her grades have gone to hell and she hasn't been near the honor roll since this all started. She shows more interest in her minimum wage job and her beat up old car than her future. One time, her mother called us in tears because she decided to take her car and run off to New York City with whatever money she happened to have. Fortunately, my daughter was able to stay in contact with Jess on her cell phone and talk her into returning home. We have offered her our home as a refuge when needed and thankfully, she has made use of it on numerous occasions. She also plays her parents off against each other which creates even more chaos. I hate watching this because Jess has always been like another daughter to my wife and me. I can go on for hours like this, but I think that you get my point here. Just wondering if this could be happening with Devin?? A little food for thought from someone who is very concerned. I hope that you can resolve this and get back to some form of normalcy. take care, my friend, and stay in touch. Mike

Thanks Mike. I think you're right to the extent that our fighting is impacting Devin's emotions. Jim and I have made a pact to do whatever it takes to not fight in close proximity to the kids. Of course, every bit as harmful is to treat each other with total indifference; so we are trying to find our way back to at least an honest level of friendship while we sort through what remains of our relationship. I hope Jess makes it through ok, her story breaks my already breaking heart...Maureen

I know you don't want to be alarmist, but the kind of raging he is doing is dangerous. And I agree - this is beyond normal hormonal boy behavior. Manic-depression (bipolar) usually shows up during puberty because of the hormone influence. It could just be the marital problem situation Mike mentioned, but I tend to think it's a chemical imbalance over that. From what you have said in the past about the marriage, it's not violent or really dramatic, but just complacent and dying. I would tend to think the drama would bring out the behavioral problems more than complacency, but I could be wrong. Either way, he should be evaluated by a mental health professional who specializes in mood disorders. Take care and let us know how it goes.... Dina

Hi Dina, I've been worried about you and, as always, your post is direct, honest, and full of wisdom. You sound as if you certainly understand the nature of emotional imbalances in adolescents -- thanks for this important advice and we are following through with an update to follow. Love you, Maureen

Maureen, Please heed the warning, the longer you wait to receive help for a child who is acting out, regardless of the reason, the sicker they become. As well as the people around them who love them. I am the Mom of 7 children; 4 who are adopted thru the special needs adoption program, and they have had intense issues many times, excellent kids, with big hearts, very intellegent and who want to succeed, but the things they have been thru in life and the issues they have been dealt have affected them and their behavior and thru experience we have found everytime we have sought help for them when we had a feeling or saw things changining we were never sorry. But we have regreted waiting too long to get help for a child. Dont walk to a professional, RUN!!!!!!! I will keep your son in my prayers. Wnat some good reading material to read? "When Love is not Enough" and "More than Moody". both books inregards to parenting kids with Emotional/Depression issues Take care, Janelle

Janelle, here's what your post did for me -- you pulled me out of the darkness of uncertainty and fear that is my head these days and you reminded me that no matter what life throws at us, we don't have to go through any of it alone. I so admire you and your husband and I'll say it again -- you have an incredibly beautiful family. We have an appointment to see the therapist tomorrow evening and we are going to assert ourselves in making sure that Devin is evaluated immediately. I have moved from the place of thinking this to be a behavioral (adolescent boy stuff) issue to believing my son might have an illness that is making him feel very bad on the inside. I have switched into Mama Tiger mode big time -- my son needs me to help him get well and feel better. Thank you ever so much for guiding me out of my dark place into the light of hope and possibility. Love, Maureen

Reenie, I do not think bad about you or about Devin, but he is obviously crying out for help. One of my daughters acted similarly and we got counselling for her at the age of 9. It turns out that what we had intrepreted at earlier ages as being compliant, was really bottled up anger that started venting all at once. The counsellor was able to help her find acceptable ways to express anger and to develop some life skills that still serve her well (she is 27 now). Going for help was hard at the time--I was afraid that he was going to say her problems were all my fault, but I think she would have harmed herself or someone else if we had not taken action. And there was no blame directed at us--just help. Sometimes an outsider can say the same things we have been saying and they will believe them. Devin is young, and he can be reached, but do it quickly before he decides to self-medicate to alleviate his pain. There are plenty of drug opportunities out there that will lead to deeper problems. I'm praying for you and your family. Joy

Thanks so much Joy. I'm afraid we can really use those prayers. We are seeing the therapist tomorrow and Devin is going to get the help he needs. You know, he's been telling us for some time that he is afraid, he doesn't know what happens to him and he needs help -- we weren't listening closely enough. We're hearing him now and it's full steam ahead. I've missed you very much. How are you? Love, Maureen

You are doing a great job as a parent. Great parents don't have perfect kids--they just meet the challenges head on. You and Devin will get through this thing. First step is to figure out what you are dealing with. Sometimes that is the hardest part. Your open honesty will be your best tool here. Suggestion: write your therapist a note with your observations, interpretations and fears. This will help them connect with Devin more quickly than stabbing in the dark. Don't hold back anything. This person is there to help. We all need prayers, Girlfriend! You remain in mine. Joy