ot: i've really messed up.

well, i guess i should just do this, eh? i admit i've been putting it off for quite awhile - largely in part that i couldn't come here and be honest with any of you...let alone myself. first of all, my dad had heart problems last week and ended up in the hospital. he's doing fine now. he came home on monday. i got the call from my mom last wed. night that he had been taken to a hospital in ft. wayne, indiana (which is an hour away from my mom, who doesn't drive), so i packed me & trent up and headed down there that night to be with her and to take her to the hospital the next morning. while i was down there, something happened that has completely thrown my world into absolute and utter chaos - with no one at all to blame but myself. while i was down there, i completely lost sight of everything that i know to be true, everything that i believe in, and everything that i hold dear. while i was down there, i slept with tom (the guy that i posted about before). now, this is wrong on all sorts of levels, and i know this. i honestly don't know what is wrong with me - i don't have any excuses for it at all, and i'm not about to start making them up now. i did go and talk to my therapist on tuesday, and all i can come up with is that i've gone from "crazy, insane, and dangerous" relationships to "safe, stable, and secure", when really what i want or need is somewhere in the middle... honestly (and quite obviously), it's a lot to do with self-esteem, self-respect, and what i'm feeling about myself after having this surgery. i don't know how to explain it to anyone else, because it doesn't even make all that much sense to me. all i know is that after years and years of hearing tom tell me how disgusting and fat and ugly i was, that it felt so incredibly good to hear him tell me how good i looked and how much he wanted me. and when i'm talking to him or around him, i honestly feel like that lonely, scared to death, pregnant teenager. and i can remember myself sitting in the labor and delivery room with my mom, wanting nothing more than to have tom there with me, and knowing that the only way to do that was to call him at his new girlfriend's and have her drive him to the hospital. i remember going to his house not long after i had trent and seeing this girl's stuff laying all over the house and it just killing me. i don't know what the hold is that he has over me, but it only exists because i allow it, and i have to make it stop. i've proved to myself that i can't be trusted. and, in a way, i don't want to be trusted right now. i don't deserve to be. right now, i want nothing more than to pack up my little family and move far, far away from all of this and start over. i finally broke down and told damien about it yesterday, which was the hardest thing i've ever done. he deserves so much more than this - so much better. so far, i guess, he's taken it much better than i expected him to. i know it has to hurt like hell, especially after what happened with his last wife, but he says he can forgive me, learn to trust me again in time, and wants to be with me. and i want nothing more than to be with him. right now, it's just so hard for me to even look at him - hell, i can barely look at myself. i just hope that we can get past this, that he can learn to trust me again (though, i don't deserve it), and that somehow i can get myself figured out and put back together before it's too late. what's ironic is that i had this surgery because of my husband, because i love him so much and i wanted to be around to grow old with him. now, i'm really beginning to wish that i had never done it. i mean, he loved me at 406 pounds. why can't i just learn to love myself? we've got a long, hard road in front of us. but quite honestly, i think he'll forgive me long before i will ever forgive myself...

Kym. First off, the fact that you can even tell us, or anyone that you had an affair is a good step in the right direction. Second, if you know it was just a one night stand and that there was no love there, than, take the fact the you love Damien & go with that. Everyone is human & could be in your shoes at any time. If your relationship is worth saving, than it will work itself out. This may have just been something you needed to do, to get attention you have never had as a heavy person. You got it out of your systme with the one time, Right!.. Than don't beat yourself up over it & look at you life that you would give up if you took further steps with this other guy. Take a deep breath & Ask God to help you through this rough time & guide you to the right decision for your family. It is much easier to deal with the problem when it is out in the open than keeping it to your self. So the healing has already begun. Hang in There & tomorrow will looke better, than today did. You WILL GET THROUGH THIS, & I hope you know we are here for you if you need us again. Marilyn, the Bearlady

i really hope that that's all that it was, and that it is out of my system. right now, i honestly don't trust myself. i never, ever thought that i would actually do something like this. we go for marriage counseling tomorrow, so hopefully that will get things moving in the right direction. i'm just so confused about everything right now... thanks, kym

Kymber, I've never shared this information with anyone other than my husband; however, I feel now is as great time to share my experience with you. When I was at my heavyist and getting the sexual attention I craved from my husband I sought out a man that would give me the attention that I wanted. I had an affair. Now that I'm 165 pounds lighter and really enjoy the way I look, I have an even bigger sexual appitite. I have a husband that really isn't much of a sexual creature, and it's really hard for me to deal with sometimes. Just this past week I felt myself being attracked to a co-worker. I mean really attracked to him. I've known him for at least 4 years, we've always flirted with eachother, but nothing more than that, and all of a sudden everytime I see him I want it to go further than I know it should. So I went to my husband and talked to him about it, and I'm so glad that I did, because I truely believe that if I hadn't I'd be heading down that affair road again, and then to divorce court. I'm like you, I feel like I need a lot of validation, I need hubby to constantly tell me how pretty I am and how attractive I am now, just to keep my self esteem up enough to know that I don't need to look elsewhere for it. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and that while you made a mistake, it isn't the end of the world. I hope that you don't close off your husband or your Marcher family, because you need all the support you can get. I know I'll never judge a person for being unfaithful, it's not acceptable behavior, but it is forgiveable. Lori

thanks so much for sharing that with me. i know it had to be hard, but it does help knowing that i'm not alone in this. i honestly don't know what my problem is - my husband is constantly complimenting me and telling me how gorgeous i am and how good i look...but, it just sounded so much better coming from someone who treated me like sh*t for 14 years. how messed up is that? lol what scares me is that i had started down this path much earlier, and i went to my husband and talked to him about it before acting on it, and i really thought that i had it all under control. but, apparently i didn't. i guess it's just going to take some time to be able to trust myself again. this just isn't something i would do - i am not this person, you know? and i don't know how i let it get so out of hand. thanks again, kym

Kym, I don't know what to say or what advice to offer, but you know we're here. I've got no judgements, but an ear to listen with. Hugs, Connie

thanks so much, connie. kym

Kym, Please try to find a good therapist for you and Damien to see together. They could help a lot to help you improve your self worth and save your relationship. It is very hard to 'get it right' on your own. It sounds like you both want to be together and a therapist can help him understand that the reasons you cheated do not really have any relation to your feelings or desire to be with him, and the therapist can help you to let go of the pain that drove you to Tom. When you can get past that, neither you nor Damien will ever have to fear another incident. We support you. Jen

Kym, Sweetheart, I have no judging thoughts or voices, I could very easily be sitting with you in that chair. I think the counseling is a good idea. Maybe for you alone and you both as a couple! My situation is more like Lori's, my husbnad isn't a very sexual being and I enjoy flirting (BAD combination) soI am always looking to keep myself focused on the road I am on. Talking to him was SO the right thing to do! I am proud of you for that! THAT had to be amazingly difficult! ((hugs)) nic

thanks - it really was incredibly hard. but, he seems to be handling it much better than i expected. i was a little disappointed, as he backed out of our counseling appointment at the last minute, so i ended up going it alone. but, i have another appointment next thursday, and as of right now he's agreeable to at least go and give it a try...hopefully, he'll still feel the same when the time comes. but, i'm definitely going to continue seeing the therapist on my own - as i know a lot (if not all) of the problems are within myself. thanks, kym