Please forgive me...
I ask your forgiveness right off the bat cause this little story is all about me. Its one of those awful stories that you can't tell just anyone. It has to be to someone who has lived the life that we have and are living right now after surgery. Someone who has been extremely over weight and always felt ugly, fat, unattractive, unsexy and now has the surgery loses the weight and is still coming to terms with who they are inside is totally different than who they were outside. Let me explain...
I work in a small city and each night I have to pass a bar. Now that there are smoking laws all the people who use to smoke inside now stand outside. This bar has added some park benches, alittle canape, and some small tables. Fixed it up abit to make the smokers feel like they are still inside. When it is raining or snowing I think they realize they aren't inside anymore but wait a minute this story is about ME.
So usually there is a group of "men" sitting standing just talking and watching the passer bys. The before surgery me would walk right past with my head down not making eye contact. Quickly moving past. Trying to walk with my back straight and suck in my stomach as much as I could. I did'nt want to hear them laughing or snickering or see them nudging each other while they would roll their eyes at the fat woman. Yes it shouldnt' be that way but lets be real thats life as a fat person. Didn't matter that I would dress nicely. Didn't matter that I've always had a quick smile or a nice yellow. Didn't matter that I'm a good person either. To the eyes that look all they see is the outside they dont' see the inside. So now we move ahead 18 months.
Whoa! Pam has lost 120 pounds! Pam is not wearing a tight size 26 but a lose size 10 or 8! Pam isn't wearing those orthopedic flat shoes either she's got on some heels! Hey look at her calfs from all that walking and excersing! ooooooo she's got a decent butt. Pams tummy is flat (girdles hide a multiple amount of sins) and she's got herself alittle slight wiggle! LIttle do they know its cause of those new heels but what the hey I'm not telling. Let em think I'm a natural, bring on the cat walk!
Back to being serious, Passing that group of people has always been a nightmare for me. Even if they weren't looking at me I always felt like they were. I felt like I was always being judged by how I looked.
Today as I passed the group I automatically started my regular routine of head down move quickly. At one point I did look up to make sure I wans't walking into someone and I saw that horrors of horrors there was a group of 4 or 5 guys different ages that were looking at me!!!! But the looks weren't what I had always seen before. These looks were the ones that make a woman walk alittle bit taller. Make her walk alittle bit slower. Make her have a little smile just in the corner of her mouth and a tilt to her head while she gives alittle shake to her hair. I was being oggled. me. oggled. I LOVED IT.
Now normally I'd add something to the end of this like Oh and then I tripped and fell. I'd add something to it to make people laugh casue its still so very hard to realize that I'm (argggg harder to even type it) ok I'll type this quick. I'm attractive. OH NO I said it! I was being appreciated as to how I looked. I felt good. Hell I felt wonderful. Made me realize there is a reason why I take so long to pick out an outfit before I go to work! makes me remember why I will spend hours in the makeup aisle trying to decide which lipsticks I like the best.
Now I didn't have this surgery to get pretty. I had it for health reasons. I thnk I just did add another health reason. Mental health. Not only did it make my arthritis take a back burner for a while it also made my inside self, my mental image, my me happy. I never thought that much about the outside changing the inside as much as it has.
Recently I requested a picture that was taken of me at work to be put on my profile. I dont' like the picture its not the best picture of me but I've been wanting something and this was the only picture I could get digitally to be put on line. Theres not alot of pictures of me around. I still don't like my picture taken. But now I don't mind it as much. Someday I want to go and have a nice one done at a photography studio so that my kids will have a good picture to maybe put on the wall of their mother.
Anyways please forgive me for being self centered. I know you all understand.
Hey Pam.....
There's nothing to forgive here!!! You are not being self-centered.....you are discovering yourself!!!! You can't recover from obesity if you don't learn to like yourself. Enjoy the new You; Celebrate yourself You've accomplished so much!!! You deserve some good attention.....Reli****!!!
When you get a picture, please post it....We would love to greet the new you also!!
Mike
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