An Observation - Long as Usual

Let me say right off the bat that I feel very bad about what I'm about to write. I feel like I'm being a traitor to fat people, but that's not my intention. I feel like I'm perpetuating a stereotype. A couple of weeks ago, I stopped on my way to a meeting and picked up a couple of dozen donuts. There was quite a line and a rather large, older woman came in the door, shoved her way to the front and made the wait person hold up each and every donut on the tray of old fashioneds so she could pick which ones she wanted. She then turned around and shoved her way back out the door. At that point, I didn't connect her behavior with her size, but just thought she was rude. Saturday we went to Phoenix Cooks. It's a charity event where you pay 30.00 for entrance and sample as much as you want from various top notch Phoenix area restaurants. This is a total waste for me as I could no sooner eat 30.00 worth of food than I could eat my own head, but it's a charity event so I go for a 30.00 snack and give to a good cause. I never ate the whole serving of anything, just took one bite and passed the rest to someone else in the group or put it in the trash. Amazingly, no matter how good it tasted, I never wanted more than that one bite. That's so different from where I was a year and a half ago. My father said something that really pissed me off. He said, "Did you notice that the people who are eating daintily and nibbling, like you, are the thin peole. The people who are shoving their way to the front of the line, piling their plates and literally shoving food in their mouths are the heavy people?" I gave him the same evil eye that he's been giving me for 45 years when I say something stupid. How could my PHd father with all of his wordly experience, liberal views, and open-minded tendencies make such a stereotypical, asinine comment? I looked around before I lit into him and realized that he was right, for the most part. I remembered the woman in the donut shop. I remembered the guy at the event who had used his size to shove me out of the way enroute to the pork tenderloin table and then again at the Tortilla Soup display. I looked around and realized that the old man was right. Of course there are exceptions, but for the most part, he was right. Well, you know me.... this led to long, deep thoughts on the addictive powers of food. I'm sure that most of these people who were two-fisted eating were normally well-mannered, polite folks. I thought of Chinese buffets and the long lines at the county and state fairs for funnel cake and all things fried on a stick and the size of the people standing in those lines. I again thought of the sugar-driven donut woman. I remembered my own days of feeling like I had to eat as much (fill in the blank) as possible because it was soooo good and I might never get it again or if I did, it wouldn't taste this good. Saturday afternoon, I watched people with food addictions act the same way people with Crack addictions do. I wondered if I had ever straight-armed someone out of the way for a corn dog. I'm sure I probably trampled someone for cheesecake. I'd bet money that I've eaten with both hands at the same time. Connie

Connie, What I find most interesting about what you wrote is that we all seem to be feeling and thinking the same things at the same time...it's as though when someone has a baby, it walks and talks at a certain age---when people go through WLS they feel certain things at certain times. I go to a buffet in Atlantic City once a week. The reason I go is because I have a coupon that one day a week, my daughter and I eat for free. So, I get my money's worth, so to speak. I eat, I look, and I observe. I taste things the same way you did at the Phoenix fundraiser. I don't remember myself being that aggressive at the buffet when I was heavier. I'm not saying I wasn't, I'm just saying I don't remember. I keep saying this....we are NOT THE SAME PEOPLE we were before WLS. We are different, and as much as we don't like to think it or admit it---we look different, act different and think different. We see behaviors in others that we never saw before. Our views are different. Sometimes it's not a good thing, but, in the long run, most times it is. In the long run...it keeps us in check, and when used properly, can keep us focused and on the right road. Let's take every experience, the good and bad ones....and let them work for us and not against us. Take care, be well, and keep up your amazing insights on things--- Joanie

Joanie, One of my deepest fears is that I don't think different, even though I look different. I'm afraid that the old fat girl is still in there and I struggle everyday to keep her under control. I nibble and taste most of the time and I do pretty well, but there are times when I would gladly, happily, gleefully wallow in a vat of Haagen Daz. I remember one of my very last meals before surgery was a half dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts. I remember driving down the road in a sugar stupor, stuffed to the gills and thinking that I would never be able to do that again. Thank God I can't because I was miserable then and would be doubly so now, but the temptation is there. Who am I kidding? If I ate 1/2 a donut, much less 1/2 a dozen, I'd be praying for hurl. Connie

Connie, This post scares me. I'm not sure that person is gone from my life. I don't eat nearly as much as I used to, but sometimes I am just as desperate to eat NOW. I wonder if I have broken my food addiction at all... or if I just don't have the capacity to eat as much as I used to. It is frightening... Joy

Joy, I know I haven't broken my addiction to food. I struggle with it continuously and I think that part of the reason that I keep myself so busy is to keep food out of my mouth. I was supposed to have a large planning meeting at my house for one of the non-profits that I volunteer for today. Yesterday I bought a ton of food to snack on for the folks who were supposed to come. The meeting was cancelled at the last minute and I'm cranky about the 65.00 I spent, but even more cranky about all this food left in my house. I sent some to my sister's house and will take some to work. I can't be trusted with all this crap in my house. I also find that when I want to eat, I want to eat this very second. I don't get hungry that often, but when I do, it's all consuming. Connie

Hi Connie and everyone. I haven't posted lately because of what we're addressing in this thread - as always (for me), when I get locked inside my head, my only companion is food. These past few days have been extremely difficult and I am still behaving the way I did pre-surgery - responding to emotional pain by eating. Unfortunately, I have discovered that I truly can eat anything and in any amount, as if I never had the surgery. So, I echo Joy's sentiments -- this post scares me and I don't want to face the truth of what's happening, which is -- if I don't get a handle on this, I will begin to regain until I am right back where I started. Love, Reenie

Reenie, As usual, I'm a little slow on the uptake. You said you hadn't posted in a while because you were locked in your head and keeping company with food. Reenie, that's exactly the time you should be coming to this board. Please, please, please let us know what's going on instead of trying to ride out the food storm by yourself. Food is not your only companion. I'm still struggling with my own food demons which creates the old familiar spiral down. I react to something emotionally and eat. I feel bad about eating and beat myself up about it. I figure what the hell and eat some more and then feel worse. Then I eat to comfort myself because I've been mean to me. Yesterday, I was so busy and stressed that I've just started grabbing stuff and shoving it in my mouth. I didn't eat a meal at any time, just grabbed stuff here and there instead of sitting down and taking the time to eat right. Last night I shoved in two pieces of chocolate and was rewarded with an all expense paid trip to the toilet. I'm grateful for that, but I hate that I have such a hard time keeping a grip on my own behavior. Love ya huge, Connie

Thanks, sweetie. You're always there when I need you. Seems we have the same response mechanisms to life stresses with food; I'm behaving much the same way as you describe here. The trick is, Connie, to figure out, employ and successfully manage the peaks and valleys of living life without turning to food to make me feel better--or worse if I'm having one of those 'man, I feel worthless' days -- now, those days are pretty rare anymore and for that I'm very thankful. But the tapes in my head from all those years of believing that I was a worthless pile of doo-doo just haven't self-destructed or gone away. They are locked away, safely tucked away somewhere in my brain just waiting to be unleashed. In the meantime, I struggle daily with living differently, on a constant quest to find different means to deal. For me, the answer for maintaining and enjoying my success lies in this strategy. Love you huge back. Love, Reenie

Well, while this may be true for some of us, I can say that this was not me. I was the fat girl who waited until everyone else was through the line and ate less in front of people than at home. I know I did notice some heavy people in the past who seemed oblivious to how they looked and they angered me when I was that size because it cast a shadow over me as well, even though I wasn't acting like that. If I was in a situation where I was comfortable with the people I was around (like at a potluck at work) I might be more comfortable digging in, but I have always been hyper aware to not be the one taking the last scoop of anything and I would rather go hungry than appear to be a pig. I think the thing is, people like this stand out above everyone else, and like it or not, they cast a shadow over the heavy folks who don't behave this way. That is tragic, IMO. I was just talking today to a gal at work about how for some reason now people are willing to see me as "smart" whereas they didn't necessarily see me in that light before when I was my heaviest. Some people haven't changed their perception of me and some always thought I was smart, but there are those who equate a higher weight with a lower IQ. That goes hand in hand with the Bubba slob who plods his way around the buffet table edging everyone out, scratching his ass and loading his plate up to overflowing. I was never that person and I know most of my heavy friends were never that person, nor are they. Obviously I could eat more than a normal person, but I have to say that I have not changed the way I eat one iota since surgery. I take the same size bites and chew the same amount of time (I have never had issues with food getting stuck). And I think I eat pretty normal...unless I'm trying to get a big forkful of salad in, at which time I look like an idiot slob. While there are those out there who are like this, I don't think the majority of the fat people out there are this way. I think it just stands out because just like the fat person in the grocery store, we are looking in their cart to see what they are eating that makes them fat like that. Dina

Hi Dina -- and by the way I complimented you on your photo many posts ago, telling you that I didn't know who you were! You are so gorgeous, girlfriend! As for this thread, I have to say that I think you are the exception to the rule but then again you've always maintained that emotional eating--or eating to sooth raging emotions--has never been an issue for you. For those of us who became morbidly obese, or even super morbidly obese, let's face it, we got that way because of behavioral choices sometimes seemingly beyond our control. Out-of-control, obessive eating is a mainstay for a high percentage of hugely overweight people. This translates to mean eating way too much food way too quickly, and if we're doing it emotionally, then add in the 'trying to fill a gaping hole' syndrome. I used to try to fill that hole with pets, animals of every kind. My husband finally said to me, "How many puppies will it take to fill that hole of yours?" And I've always tried to sooth with food. It's my experience in talking and dealing with the dangerously overweight that this is the norm. I'm still reacting to my negative emotions by turning to food. The only difference is -- and it's major and something I need to really grab hold of -- is that food doesn't taste as wonderful as it used to. I don't enjoy the taste of it like I used to. And I've changed in that I love some of the healthier choices, such as fruits, low-carb pancakes, salads, etc. The emotional eating thing is still a HUGE issue for me, and I think for a great many more of us--more of us than not. I don't think I ever bullied my way to the front of the pack in a buffet line but that doesn't mean I wasn't salivating at the gills to get there. Have a great day all. Love, Maureen