pour me some whine

good morning! i haven't posted in a while - but this is an edited version of a post on the over fifty forum from today-i'm too lazy to retype- this is NOT a positive post friends!!!!!but it is me.... this weekend is the 5th anniversary of when michael (DH!!!)and i first met face to face-our story is a bit interesting as it is an internet story-but i will not tell it here! anyhow- we spent yesterday very lazily- slept ate watched tv slept played with the birds etc-today, we will prepare for him to go back to work tomorrow!!!! i feel like i am sending my kid on his first day of school since we have to pack a "bag" in case of emergency! today, i may actually finally hang the family pics that go above the couch-we have only been here in the house for 8 1/2 months!!!! procrastination???maybe... i am not feeling really positive about myself right now and i don't quite understand- i see positive results in my weight loss so far-in spite of my poor eating and regain while m was in hospital-i am healthier,more limber (no monica-no sex), i can do things that i couldn't for years, i still wear my cpap at nite- i cancelled my retitration in december -maybe i'll reschedule it this fall- my lab results look very good from what i can understand of them....where i am having issues- and i know that i should not compare myself to others --i am really wondering if i am deserving of this gift of wls--i fought tooth and nail to get approval -and yet i cannot get myself out the door to walk or exercise -i was getting very good at it -then michael got sick--no! i am not using him as an excuse or blaming him--i got out of the routine and i need to get back into it---and i have basically no will power or very little when it comes to battling the food hungries--i am at least choosing "better" things to graze on if i am grazing- but i still have issues with the carb monster and i am battling them daily---i am at a spot where i do not like who i see in the mirror when i get dressed in the mornings; the words of an old beau sting very hard when i look at myself in the makeup mirror---i also went thru a stage this past spring where i actually DID feel good about self and caught me flirting-damn! when michael got sick i was sure that God was punishing him for what i could've done (didn't but could've)---gosh-- when i mention not comparing self to others-i should have been at goal a long time ago and i am po'd at self for that-tho i know that it is numbers on the scale-i am impatient-always have been-and cannot understand why i fight myself- why i do not push myself to get it back together and lose the rest!!!!!am i really lazy and unmotivated??? is it just that i am not accounting to anyone-ie the "what did you eat?" posts and fitday? (***fitday doesn't work for me!) - a food journal-i think i need to get back to square one and start over with liquids and etc--tho i am not sure that i have enough fingernails left if i get the urge to chew!!!!! i have become my own enemy or enabler--what am i afraid of???? why can't i get it back together??? or is it just time that is needed? i feel like i have so many areas of my life that i need to regain control...get myself back on track...and i do think taht is happening slowly but surely now that michael IS healthier and is returning to work... no--they sure didn't operate on my brain!!!!! and the weight loss journey needs a holistic approach!!!!!! -this is probly not the place to be unloading but i don't know where else to do it and i cannot afford someone's "couch"-thank you all for indulging me today.... so many of you have complimented me this summer on how strong i have been through all of michael's illness-if you only knew how badly i just wanted to sit in the corner and cry.....would have only made my nose run!!!!!i have learned quite a bit about myslef tho thru this... thanks, all, for being here for us!!!!!please continue to be here!!!!! (yes, WP, i AM needy!!!!!!!) oh--and a prayer is going up for all of those in katrina's path..... OH!!!on a positive---yesterday, thru all of out tv watching ( some good Gunsmokes!) i noticed that my butt is bony!!! my comfy chair is no longer comfy--i had to keep readjusting !!!!!!!!!!

Ah, Margo, sweetie I'm sorry for your anguish. Your post is an anthem of sorts for the family of man in this age of high speed, high tech, high anxiety living. We live on the edge of "what next" -- both in terms of the constant stream of mundane activities that demand our attention, and of anticipating the next catastrophe or tragedy, something that will require our expertise to fix. This is especially true for women -- sorry guys, but it's true. We are wearing thin, running on empty, burning out, with no end in sight. There is an answer, truly. Some might call it finding religion and I say terrific if it works for you. It's bigger for me and it has everything to do with God, or nothing at all, depending on your life philosophy. For me, it's Finding Peace. We all deserve peace in our hearts, our souls, our lives and frankly, we cannot function well without it. Inner peace centers the soul. We cannot become aware of our own needs on every level -- and what it will take to meet them -- without first being centered. Once we are centered, we can then move to that place of necessity in order to seek and fulfill your heart's desires: awareness. We must be vigilent in our awareness of our minds and our bodies, aware of what has gone awry and needs attention, and aware of all the bounties and blessings in our lives. When this place of centeredness alludes us, we are nothing more than the proverbial mouse on a spinning wheel -- in perpetual motion and getting nowhere. Find Peace, Margo. I also highly recommend you check with your insurance company -- the same one that you fought so hard to get approval for your surgery -- to determine the benefits you must have for therapy. Your questions are good and valid and deserve attention. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. With much love and admiration, Reenie

Why shouldn't you be "unloading" here? Who better to understand? This post-op ride is a major roller coaster for us--why would we NOT get vertigo. Add that the MAJOR life stress that you have gone through with Michael's health, and it is no wonder that life is not measuring up to your expectations! Give yourself a break! The object of this game is not to get to a certain destination at a certain time, but to maintain a general sense of direction and motion and to do the best we can along the journey. I'm not even convinced that there is a single point called "destination" for any of us, but we sure try to think there is and sure get frustrated when it eludes our reach. Maybe what I am supposed to be doing today is just muddling through the day, lending encouragement and support where I can, and leaning on others where I need to. When I think of life in those terms, I am not nearly such a failure--try it! Joy