SIGNIFICANT OTHER MUSINGS

Recent activity on the board has pointed to a concern shared by a vast majority of us about our relationships with those most significant in our lives...boyfriends, husbands, wives, fantasy partners...okay, let's stay away from that one for now. It will come as no surprise to anyone here that I'm having great difficulty in my marriage and trying to understand what to do about it. Your recent postings has led me to a thought that I throw to you for further discussion: what if the disappointment I am feeling in my marriage is really misguided in that it has only to do with the fact that losing all my weight and reaching goals has not led me to Nirvanna in my life? Perhaps the resentment and anger I feel at Jim at least partially is attributable to the anger and resentment I feel at not achieving subliminal happiness in my new svelt body. I am for the most part unchanged in terms of how I think and feel, emotionally and psychologically speaking. Am I looking to Jim to provide me with the happiness I thought would always manifest as a result of drastic weight loss? We have been together for 20 years; I was head-over-heels in love with him from the moment I met him -- took him quite a while longer to warm up but I'm not one to give up on much of anything. He didn't want a relationship, let alone one with an overweight woman. When I met him, I weighed 210 lbs. When we married 2 years later, I weighed 260 lbs. He has stayed with me and has been the most loving, supportive, kind partner a woman could hope for through incredible weight gain -- and now loss -- all the while maintaining his steadfast love and loyalty to me. I have always questioned our union. He is all things wonderful and not-so-wonderful at the same time...he is only human. So I leave these thoughts with you to question in the hopes that you might help me (as always) meander through this mire of doubt and uncertaintly -- and ultimate release, one way or another. Much love to you, Reenie

Well, Maureen......It looks like this all comes back to things we've discussed before......EXPECTATIONS.....both realistic and unrealistic. I've been thinking about this subject on and off since surgery. One of the conclusions I've reached is that while there were real problems which were caused by my obesity, I began to transfer blame for other life problems to my being fat. With all of these problems now safely blamed on the fat.....does it not stand to reason that when the fat went away, the problems should have too???!!! Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there were still other problems to contend with that are totally disconnected from the scale and my waist size!!! Pretty big reality check going on here folks!! Despite the fact that I'm slimmer and healthier than I've been in years, there's still the bills, the wife, the kids, the job, the house, the family, the friends, etc, etc, ad nauseum. It certainly seems that this surgery puts incredible stress on marriage and other relationships. I won't presume to advise you on your marriage, because I would be speaking in total ignorance of the situation. I would caution you, however, to consider which of your expectations are realistic and which are not. When I met Jim in the hospital, he seemed like a good guy, but I didn't think that he was wearing a blue costume with a big "S" on the chest under his shirt! You have the right to demand happiness from your marriage, but you need to know what will make you happy before you can demand it. Just food for thought....if any of this makes sense. Mike

But Mike, are expectations really all that tangible? They are words and ideals and the muses that spark motivation...but can expectations be touched, felt, owned, dealt with? My expectations of myself and others shift with the wind; I try to maintain integrity and honesty in all that I do, think, say but beyond that I don't feel I have much of a grasp on 'expectations' -- now your theory about ATTITUDE, that's different, that's something I can really wrap my brain around because it is something I feel, something I tangibly bring to everything in my life, as does everyone. What I do know for certain...and it's been a slow, unraveling revelation...is that despite all the weight loss, I do not feel happy. Perhaps I'm in a blue funk right now because truth be told I have not felt well for quite some time; I simply don't feel good and it's wearing me down; much of it still relates to the plastic surgery and I do need to post separately about that because people need to know what they are up against with major abdomen work such as I had. I am hopeful that my unhappiness is due mostly to ill health and lack of energy because I can relate to these things as being temporary. Life is sad sometimes...I feel incredibly sad about Peter Jennings (my daughter wants to be a journalist because of him), and now Dana Reeve...I just feel sad and blue and tired. And I think to myself, wait a minute, you've lost over 200 lbs! You should be jumping for Joy...if not WITH her!!!! So there you have it, questions, questions, questions. Oh, and Jim IS a very good man. Love, Maureen

Reenie / Mike, You are stating exactly what I am realizing. Happiness has to come from within me--not from the shape of my body, not from my relationships, however good or bad they may be. Subconciously we thought weightloss would fix everything, but it doesn't. We shouldn't be surprised. It is a real danger to transfer all those unrealistic expectations to the one that is closest to us. Some of the problem may, in truth, be in that relationship. Some of it may be in other areas, or within ourselves. We obviously are at the point where we need to sort that out. Many of us are in counselling or therapy. I know I should have been in this long before I was. I really don't want to throw away the good along with the bad, but sorting it out is a difficult and painful process. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier just to "start over", but I know that unless I deal with them, the problems would just follow me. Next wee****lebrate 35 years of marriage. And it will be a hard-earned celebration! There were points in the last year that made me believe that we would not see this. We still have problems, and struggles, but for us it has been worth it to stick it out. I'm still not sure of the remaining problems, which are mine, his, and ours, but after 35 years, what do you expect? I guess we did not get this confused overnight, and we won't get our heads on straight overnight either. Quick fixes would be great, just won't happen. It IS a bit ironic that for once we were able to lose weight faster than we were able to drop emotional baggage! It is so great to not be alone on this journey... Joy

Hey all, It does seem to me that this point in our quest that we seem to all be having the same kind of problems. I also think it is just our minds trying to catch up with all the weight loss that we have done in the last 15 months. I don't think it is because we want out of our relationships we just want to find out who we really are now & sometime it seems that we want to be alone to figure that out. I no in my world that is why I left my (idiot Boyfriend) along with other reasons. If I though we could work through our differences I would have. He was never sober long enough to even talk to, let alone try & helop my mind clear. Reenie, I think you need to work with your Husband on this & figure out (like Mike said) what it is you do want & tell him. Work together so you can stay together. If its worth keeping than it's worth fighting for. I think the timing has something to do with it & we will all calm down in a couple of more months. It sounds to me that this might all be a Hormone problem as it's mostly us (women) that are having relationship problmes. It seems to me that the Men ( or maybe they just don't talk that much about it) don't seem to be having as much trouble coping with the changes we are facing on a daily basis. I am not sure this helps anyone, but it my take on the problem for now. Marilyn, the Bearlady

Marilyn, for what it's worth, I'm so proud of you for finding the courage to leave what was obviously I difficult and painful relationship. You deserve so much better. Love, Reenie

Hi guys, Boy can I relate to all that's been said here - especially so much of what you've voiced Reenie. I'm in a very similar space. Everyone says to me - "you must be absolutely thrilled!" And I am, but not as thrilled as they think I should be - or I think I should be. I've been surprised by how unchanged I feel at times. I also just had abdominoplasty 4 weeks ago and was thrown by how much it took out of me and am feeling just a little lifeless and down at the moment. As to my relationship with my husband. We've gone thru many ups and downs over this past year as I've gone thru such monumental changes. He's a good man - no doubt about it - and I don't see a lot out there that are that much better. But our lives are so different now. I love the physical activity and spend much of my weekends out biking, playing tennis, hiking etc. He can't even come close to keeping up with me and can't share that part of my life with me - and it's a big part now. I want to share that with my partner. So I'm looking for what we can share. I'm working at accepting what we do have together and then going out and filling the spaces with other people and activities. I guess one person can't be everything to you. There is no relationship that doesn't require work, TLC, and constant vigilance - we just got a large dose of it in a short period of time. We were warned about these kinds of issues, but you never know until you get there. Good luck to the rest of you and I'm counting on my ability to adjust and get out there and grab at the life I want to create my own happiness, just like I've always had to do. Gail

Reenie, Just my humble opinion, for what it's worth, but...... It seems to me that you are still looking outside of yourself for the answers. Look inside, sweetie. Love, Connie

Reenie - First of all, I have to say that the support and genuine caring on this board continues to awe me. I wish I could give and get a big group hug from everyone. OK - here are my musings... I once thought that having "everything" would make me happy; make me complete. When I had everything I thought I ever wanted, I took a step back and realized that I was living a miserably content exsistence. I think that we have expectations of where we should be and when in our lives we should be there. Who puts those expectations in our heads? I believe that society has a huge bearing on the "norm", but then we ourselves raise the bar somehow. I'm not naive enough to think that anyone is perfect. Everyone has a pet peeve, a hang-up, an annoying habit, a blemish somewhere on their body. However, I sometimes expect my kids to act perfectly, my soon-to-be ex to act like an adult, my friends to instinctively know how to accomodate me when I need them to, etc. I'm finally realizing that I have to look inward. I can't control the external aspects of my life. I could only control my marriage to a certain extent - it takes two. I can't control my kids' behavior at all, but I can guide them to better behavior and give them the tools they need to get through life. You have such a big, warm heart. Please realize that you can only control you. I believe that if you take care of you, everything else will somehow work itself out. Get your strength from within - find your true happiness. That happiness doesn't have to revolve around another person...it has to start from within. Be happy with yourself, be proud of yourself, the rest will fall into place. You are amazing person - please don't lose sight of that. Big Texas Hugs... -Wendy

Two things- Expectation first. We all have expectations, and they are not good for us. We all know that expecting something leads to disappointment, possibly even depression, when we don't get it. But even when we do get it, the expecation of getting it impacts the experience negatively. Example: Consider someone giving you a present on your birthday. That would be nice right? But how much more would that same present have meant to you on just a random day? Much more - right? Even though it is the same present. The difference is, on your birthday, you have the expecation of receiving a gift, and when you get it, because you expected it, it means less. When you have expectations, even when you receive what you expected, the joy of receiving the thing is reduced. If we could live without expectations, we would be much happier. By the way, for the religious out there, this ties is nicely with letting go and trusting God to make sure you get what you need. As far as happiness coming from inside instead of outside... I have come to learn that I have a vast emptiness inside myself - a true void, a hunger, that has driven me my whole life. My fear of abandonment comes from this void. My hunger for more more more - more money, more attention from my lover, excessive demands for reassurance -- they come from that void. And the void will NEVER be filled, CAN NOT be filled by any outside person or thing. No man, no relationship, no job, no car, no body regardless of size, no house, no child, no set of friends, not my mommy - no will fill the void. It's a lesson I have to relearn constantly because I keep seeing myself try to revert to externals to fill it, to satiate me. It's not possible, it's not fair, and it ruins me. When I was little, the future was so scary. I never felt safe. I ate when it was there because tomorrow there might be nothing. I took what attention I could get, regardless of the terms, because it was all I could get -- and I'd do anything to keep it. Now I'm a grown up and I see that doing anything to "keep" someone is self-destructive. I have to be the one to take care of me, when you get right down to it, and if I'm with the right person they will support it - but they can't do it for me. So the question is: Will I suck it up, abandon my prior operating instructions which were to maximize immediate gratification, because the future was an uncertain, scary place, and stop looking for the fast high and invest in myself? It's a huge shift and it's taking a lot of time for me. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, maybe someone will get something out of this post, at least maybe the thing about expecations. ~Jen 266/150.5/who even cares anymore? We've all got such more important things to wrestle with than our weight.