ot: i almost cheated.

Kymber, I've heard that if you cheat, the only reason to tell your spouse is if you want to initiate a change. If you tell them only to get it off your chest so that you can feel better, you're being selfish by inflicting that pain on them. I think you did the exact right thing, leveling with Damien and letting him know how urgent the problems in your marriage have become. I applaud you for NOT going through with the rendezvous. I don't think I am as strong. I'm sorely tempted, so tempted, right now. I am not married - the man is. The addict inside me is telling me go ahead, just have sex with him, you're so attracted to him, it's so good to be wanted by someone you could never have gotten before, and besides it will feel so good, the chemistry is so strong, you know you want to, just scratch the itch, get it over with, maybe you'll even be able to move on, once you do it the one time.... I'm telling you, it's hard. I can be really persuasive, really do a number on myself. My Self, on the other hand, the part of me that I've been working on so hard to bring out from hiding, to help blossom -- my Self smells trouble. My Self says things like, how're you going to feel afterward, when he gets up to leave? And, you bond when you sleep with someone - do you really think it will be easier AFTER you've bonded yourself to him? And, how are we going to find someone of our own with all this attention revolving around him? Haven't you been telling me that I have value, promising to treat me better, the way I deserve to be treated? I deserve someone that is free to love me back. You know nothing that's unequal can work - you *have* at least learned that, haven't you? So that's where I'm at. No advice here but like I said, I applaud you for stopping yourself, and having the courage to tell your husband what's going on, ask for his help, and taking the action to go to counseling. You're doing the right thing. Jen

JEN, I'VE MISSED YOU!!! AND YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!! Let me add one more thought to this discussion. As I said in my earlier post, we all feel differently about this topic depending on where we are...I am head-long hurling into menopause (at the ripe old age of 49) and I truly believe this is the major factor for a dwindling sex drive in women. This certainly factors into how I feel about it these days. Any other women out there feeling likewise? Reenie

Like I said - I had no sex drive for years and years. Except for initially in my relationship with my husband, I haven't had any excitement about it at all. I think a lot happens besides just menopause. Certainly my hormones were completely messed up with the PCOS and anovulation. But even when I got to where I was ovulating it didn't change for me. I'm not sure of the answer, but I suspect that it's "a little bit of this and a little bit of that", to borrow a phrase from the song. The hormones come first, then the habit of disinterest and the lack of connection create a circle of sexual dysfunction. I honestly felt like I could live my life without ever having sex again and be perfectly happy. I know when DH and I had problems a few years ago when he mentioned us possibly getting a divorce, I didn't want that. But I did try to imagine how it would be like. I determined in my mind that I wouldn't get involved with anyone else and that I would just live by myself and enjoy my independence. I didn't feel like I needed anything else. I wasn't getting any, and I was happy with that aspect of things. But now - well, now I have a little flirtation going on and it has revved me up. And it has made me realize that I've been missing out for years. I still don't think it's second nature for me yet.....to get all charged up sexually, but I do see it happening a little here and there. And I'm grateful because I didn't want to lose it, but it felt like I never had it. Now I feel like if I ever found myself single again that I would definitely have another relationship. Once I found that missing piece, I don't want to let it go.... And I do think it can happen at any age. I just wonder if it's not a matter of hormones + habit = dysfunction.... Dina

Jen, I've been thinking about your post off and on all day. I finally decided that I just had to respond and now that I'm sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard, I'm not sure what to type. Let me tell you that there is no moral judgement in anything that I might say. None whatsoever. Jen, you deserve to have a whole man in your life. Someone who can put you at the top of his priority list. Someone who can come at a moment's notice when you need him. Someone you can call and chat with whenever you like. What you don't need is to have someone looking around furtively to see who might see the two of you together, to be left alone after you've made love and shared your soul, to spend holidays alone because he's with his family. Baby, I've come to really appreciate your warmth, wisdom and spark over these last 18 months and I want to see you with a man who deserves you. You are precious and worthwhile and you certainly deserve more than part-time attention. You deserve someone who will be able to love you openly and freely. You've grown so much and I'm so proud of you. You've taken wonderful care of your body, you're working on the psychological aspects of Jen and your heart deserves the same attention. I just don't want to see you hurt. Whatever you decide to do, I'm here. No judgements, no criticism, just love and support. Much, much love, Connie

Thank you, Connie. My head totally agrees with you. I am just having trouble walking away. I'm going to see my counselor tonight after work and I'm going to talk to him about it. I lack willpower because I don't want it bad enough - I'd rather screw around (apropriate choice of words) and set myself up for a few highs and the inevitable, messy low. I guess I am still not committed to a healthy lifestyle as I thought - that's the way of the disease, mutating when you're not looking and coming right back at you. I love you too babe. Thank you for writing. I really value you. Jen