ot: i almost cheated.

damien and i had our first "together" therapy session on wednesday, which was interesting. it went alright, i guess. basically, what it comes down to is that 1)i don't know what i want, 2)he doesn't know what i want, 3)and i don't know how to figure it out. most of what we're working on is that the sexual "chemistry" seems to be missing from our relationship - there's just no spontaneous, hot, wild, crazy, passionate sex. problem is that there never really was with us - i mean, i was like 400 pounds when we met and got married, so i was completely content with your pretty basic "vanilla" sex life. now that i've lost almost 200 pounds, i'm feeling all back to my old, kinky, crazy self...and i don't know how that really fits in with him. now i know that i haven't mentioned this at all before (mostly because damien reads my journal and he had no idea what was going on), but quite awhile back i had been talking to my ex and then to a guy that i went to school with (both online). i had told damien about it, he asked me to stop, and i did. until...i received an email from shawn (the one in the service down in tx) and he gave me his cell #. i really had no intention of using it, but the night that damien and i went out and got into that fight (the one where i slept in another room), i came out here and called him. so...i've been talking to him pretty much ever since. now the first time we were chatting online, it was kind of suggestive and flirty, but the phone calls have been nothing but friendly - nothing to be concerned with really. what was a concern is that i also got contacted by my ex again, and i got pulled into the little trap about hearing how beautiful and wonderful i am since i've lost weight. it started out innocently enough, really it did - i was just being an attention ***** i guess. it was just so nice to be wanted and desired by someone who had told me nothing but that i was fat, ugly, and disgusting for so many years. anyway, it got to the point where i was talking to him quite a bit, and he wanted to see me. i agreed. we were supposed to meet up last saturday. friday after work, i came home and told damien we were going out drinking and singing, knowing full well that i needed to not only NOT go the next day, but that i needed to tell him what was going on (and i needed to be drunk to do it). so we went, and after several drinks, i told him. he was not exactly thrilled at first, but i think now that he's glad that i told him before things went too far. we came home that night, and i gave him the only piece of paper that i had shawn's # on, and we changed the password on the email i was using together so that neither of us could get into it. i never met the ex and i haven't talked to him or heard from him since, and i don't plan on it. i honestly don't know what i was thinking. hell, i don't think i really was thinking. this surgery has done so many crazy things to me. i mean, i have the most wonderful, caring, loyal, and loving husband that a girl could ever ask for - he honestly is my best friend. and i don't want to do anything to destroy that - i really don't. but, i feel like i've missed out on soooo much in my life because of being so overweight. now that i'm feeling better and am starting to receive more attention, it just feels so good, and a part of me wants to be 21, single, free and running around partying...yet i know that i'm 31 years old, married, and have a 12 year old son. i feel like i lost/destroyed/ate away the best years of my life. i mean, i honestly hated myself so very much that i don't even really remember my younger years - it took literally everything i had just to get through the day without killing myself - my only reason for not ever having done that was trent. i don't know what the answer is. i really don't. we talked about this alot in therapy the other day, and i'm supposed to figure out what it is exactly that i want/need from damien. and i've been trying to figure that out, but i'm not really getting anywhere. i mean, he's perfect - absolutely perfect in every way that matters. is sex really such a big deal? in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that much? i'm thinking not...but then again, i don't know. i do know that it feels really good having this out in the open and being able to talk about it. i was really beginning to feel pretty isolated and alone...and dirty. kym

you are not alone,kym. these feelings over new freedom-while they may not be healthy to be acted upon as a married person ( man or woman) they seem to be natural- a few months back i was going thru something similar so the nite that michael was first admitted to the hospital i kinda felt like God was punishing him by making him ill- when i was the one who almost dallied.... we go thru a similar thing in our marriage of no sex - but i think it is much diff- for one thiung we are older-not dead! and his is a medical problem i think- anyhow- at age 46 i had to decide what i wanted outta life and it wasn't to be married to my 1st hubby the father of my 3 kids- i needed freedom-however- every time i got it i rushed into another marriage--9 iwas scared of being alone)so--think long and hard and talk to us and your therapist-and to damien....

Kym, Now this took guts. I'm proud of you for tackling the problem and taking steps to set things right. When I first had surgery, I started to feel bad about all those years I wasted being fat. I felt like I had missed out on wearing pretty clothes, getting lots of male attention and partying with friends. After a while, I realized that I am the sum of my existence. I'm glad that I was fat those years because it taught me to be understanding and tolerant. It taught me to measure my words and not inflict pain with thoughtless comments. It took me down a path where I met my husband and had my son. I wouldn't trade my son for anything in the world. If I had been out partying and not settled down because of my fat blanket, that kid wouldn't be here today. I finally decided that I'm exactly where I need to be and stopped mourning a skinny youth. Now that you've discovered your "old, kinky, crazy self", Maybe you can introduce that side of you to Damien slowly. Maybe somewhere buried there is a kinky, crazy Damien and he just needs a little coaxing. I wouldn't recommend having him come home to find a trapeze in the bedroom and you standing in the doorway in leather with a whip in your hand. Start with lingerie or a little whipped cream. I bet you get the guy revved up in no time. Remember that you're not isolated or alone. We're here. No judgement, no criticism, no scolding; just support and advice. Hugs, Connie

Hey Kym Let me start by saying that I'm extremely uncomfortable discussing matters sexual with females of the species, but I feel that I need to weigh in on this one, so here goes. I've been married to Abigail for 24 years and for the most part, they have been good ones. Our marriage has also produced 2 beautiful daughters who light up my life when they are not causing me to pull out what little hair I have left!! One thing that has always worried me is that our physical relationship, while very healthy and enjoyable has never had the mad passion that you read about and see in the movies. I stopped worrying about it when I realized that I was married to my best friend.....a person to whom I could talk about anything and whose company I almost always enjoyed. When I don't enjoy her company is when I'm feeling all "peopled out" and wouldn't want the company of anyone! We share a good life and a very comfortable existence together. Since WLS, I have noticed that I have attracted a bit more attention from the female population which, of course has led to occasional thoughts of straying from the nest. I think that this is a natural reaction, but one that holds a lot of potential danger. Let's face it....if a relationship is based only on passion and lust, what remains after the passion subsides as it will with time?? I've also found that I have become much more frisky sexually post-WLS and my wife and I have learned a few new tricks!!! The bottom line in all this blather is this.....It sounds like you have a great marriage and one that you might not want to risk losing. I agree with Connie.....You might want to try to introduce a few new wrinkles in your fun and games. Speaking from the male side of the fence, if you ease into it rather than heading right for the "two goats and a rubber sheet" LOL you might find him pretty receptive. We old married toads get pretty set in our ways, but we can adjust our thinking once we get over the shock!! I hope you accept my amateur marriage counselling in the spirit in which it was given. Passion wears off, but a best friend is someone to treasure. End of sermon!! Mike

Kym, You are to be respected for your self-discipline. Your emnotions may be confused right now, but you head knows what is important to you. Most of us have found our self-esteem (or lack of it) in the reactions of those around us. The pain of rejection makes us vulnerable to the opportunity of validation from the very people that hurt us. HOWEVER, think about it this way... Does acceptance from a person that rejected us in our overweight state really mean anything? What we REALLY need is someone to love us--the real US-- that lives inside of this body. It sounds like you are blessed to have that from Damien. His love has not changed, no matter what your body has done. Over all, that is a good thing! But, when your emotions are changing, it is tempting to think that you need a new and different "exciting" relationship. The advice here is good--try to bring that freshness to your relationship with Damien. Realize that sexuality is about giving pleasure first and you may find that you are receiving much more than you imagined. Find ways to surprise and please him and you may answer your question as to what you want. As you have figured out, there are a lot of worse fates than going through life with your best friend at your side. Appreciate what you have and realize that no one's life is movie-perfect! I'm so glad you are talking honestly with each other. That is HUGE! Hang in there. We are all going through growing pains, as we shrink... Joy

Wow. I suspect this is more common than I thought! I have many thoughts here on this because although I have not come that close to cheating, I have had temptations, to be sure. I think you hit on a key factor here: Many of us met our husbands at our heaviest and our sex drive was near the bottom of the barrell. This may have been fine with our husbands at the time. Maybe their drive isn't really high either. I know my DH and I went almost a year one time between "get togethers" while I was fighting my heaviest weight. We weren't relating well either, which didn't help, but mostly I was uncomfortable and just hated my body. I know he didn't want to go that long, but I couldn't bring myself to it. Well, now I'm more comfortable physically and emotionally and I am sparked by flirtations I've mentioned in the past here. Ken made an observation on one of my previous threads that he told his wife that he didn't care how she got her engine started as long as she parked her car at home. Well, I thought it made some sense, and it let me redirect my energy. I know my interest in sex is higher than my husbands right now. He had to suppress his interest for so long, that now he is into a habit and not as observant to my signals as I would like. But still he is enjoying this. I think it takes time to hit a stride though. I think it will be awhile for us to get to a point where we are on the same page. I think the changes we go through might be expected and we think we are ready for them, but the thing is that we are shifting the scales and in order to keep balanced, our spouses have to go through some changes as well....like it or not. Some are ready for it, while others don't want it. Misty posted about her divorce earlier this week. She said that as time went on she found that she wanted to go out and do more, but her husband wanted to stay home and wasn't interested in the things she wanted to do. I don't know how you can bring that together without a lot of work. It's too hard to hold ourselves back when we start getting that new lease on life, but it has to be hard on our spouses to suddenly change gears after years of compensating for our avoidance of life. Perhaps this is one of the main keys to the ingredient for all the divorces out there after wls. Suddenly we become unequally yolked, so to speak. My husband and I talked about it after I read Misty's post. He went for years wanting to go do things and travel, and I avoided it. I held us back. Now I am wanting to go and do things and he has grown comfortable in living his life the way I dictated it before when I was super morbidly obese. The poor guy - he has been jerked around by MY energy level. I too am married to my best friend. He loved me at my heaviest, and I don't want to forget that. But because we focused so much on the other aspects of our relationship, the passion wasn't near as intense as some people experience. I never knew what a sex drive WAS. I never had one! Now all the sudden I have one and I'm like a kid with a new toy. He keeps saying things to me about my having a lover. He keeps throwing it out so much, I know he is insecure. I know it's hard for me to hide the fact that I have a flirtation going on, too. I hope he realizes I'm serious when I tell him I'm not having an affair. But I don't know what he really thinks. He did say while we were out for a drive the other night, with tongue in cheek, that he decided it was okay for me to have a lover and that he could share because he is benefitting from it. Well, I know he was joking, but he has noticed a change in me lately sexually. And he knows that I have a flirtation thing going on (that is innocent). So I think what he was saying to me was essentially what Ken was saying....."I don't care how you start your engine as long as you park your car at home." As for your spending time soaking up attention from a formerly abusive ex....well, I can see why you would want to hear those compliments from someone who did so much damage to you, but obviously you realize how detrimental it would be for you to involve yourself with someone like that. And whatever happens in the future, I hope you realize that you deserve better than to be treated that way. That is essentially putting your value in someone else's hands. That is a dangerous place to be, especially with someone who is selfish enough to not care about your feelings. You know in the future that were you to get involved, this approval will be temporary and will eventually degrade into finding other things to berate you over. Thank you for being brave enough to come in here and post this. It is something I feel I can relate to because I think our husbands are probably a lot alike. Being married to my best friend has given us more than many other people experience in their relationships, but that came at a price. It came about because something else was missing, that being sex, and now that we have this as an issue, we have got to figure out how to incorporate it into our relationships and keep them strong..... Dina

Wow - I can certainly relate to all that you are going through right now. My husband was not supportive of my WLS. He thought I could lose the weight by going to Weigh****chers, Jenny Craig, starvation, exercise, etc. I think he was really afraid that I would finally succeed at weight loss. As I was dropping the pounds left and right, I never once got a compliment from him. I never heard an "atta girl". I never got any positive reinforcement from him. However, I heard a lot of criticism regarding what and how much ate, and when I'd over do it I'd always get a "told you so". My hubby and I have been together for 20 years. I'm 38 - that's more than half my life. We've been married for almost 11 years and have 2 beautiful daughters. He has been my best friend for those 20 years. Perhaps my expectations of him were too high. Maybe no one could have lived up to what I wanted in a husband - I don't know. I know that our marriage has come to an end and it's very sad. Larry and I can count the number of "get-togethers" on one hand over the past few years. I mean, I can tell you the exact date both my daughters were conceived - that's how little we interacted. Since I've lost the weight, I'm much more amorous. I'm much more interested. I'm much more confident and I want to try new things. I want to let loose, go wild and have fun. My husband on the other hand is not interested at all. As I lost the weight, he gained it. He just doesn't care anymore and our relationship has suffered because of that. If I had it to do all over again, I would put us in marriage counseling. I would make us take a good long look at our intimacy issues. I would insist that we communicate until we were hoarse from talking. I would not take him for granted and I would certainly not let him take me for granted. I would insist that we do family things together. I would insist that we have a date night every couple of weeks. I would do romantic things for him. Unfortunately it's too late for us. I hope it's not too late for you. You've done the hard part - getting into therapy. The rest is down hill - you'll be fine. It says a lot that you didn't jump to someone else. You're a strong woman - a fighter. I know that you'll get through this with Damien. Hang in there, don't give up. Don't let Damien give up. This is coming from someone who would do it differently if given the chance. This is coming from someone who is about to divorce her best friend. It sucks, but I'll be all right. And however this turns out for you - you'll be all right too. -Wendy

O.K. I wasn't going to chime in on this as I have never been married, but, I did just break up with my boyfriend of about 7 years. It did suck, as I still love him. Our relationship was pretty much like Wendy just had No support what so ever on my WLS. As I was losing weight I never got a hey you look good you are doing the right thing or anything. He just continued to drink & drink & drink. I got very tired of baby-sitting a drunk. So I left & moved by myself. Even though it sucked I still feel better about myself for doing it. I am hving severe financial trouble since I left, but, I also no that will calm down very soon & will be back on track as well. I just got a new job & that is going real well. I love that , so all will work out in the end. Kym you were very brave to post what you did & feel you will work this all out with Damien & have a great life together. Good luck with all your endeavors & keep us posted as you get stronger & stronger. We are alwasys here if you need to vent. This is a great place to do that when we don't have anyone else to talk to. Hang in There!! Marilyn, the Bearlady

Wendy, I'm so sorry for all that you're going through right now. I wish I had answers or at least words that would help. I just have warm wishes and prayers that everything works out for you and your girls. I think I speak for all of us when I say that you can come to this board for anything. Stay in touch and let us support you. Love and Hugs, Connie

Everyone will bring a different perspective to this discussion based on their own life cir****tances and experience. I applaud everyone's courage in talking about such personal and painful matters so honestly and in such a supportive spirit but what else is to be expected of this extraordinary group. Here's my perspective -- sex is overrated ... way overrated, I could get as much satisfaction from scratching an itch on my toenail. As for marriage, it's a hard, hard gig, just like Kevin Costner said -- and was nailed for it. I'm just not sure its natural for a man and a woman to stay under the same roof for years and years. And I truly don't know if I know of a happy couple that have been married for any real length of time. Does anyone? Look around, what is the percentage of divorce in your circle of friends and family? I will also be the first to say that I am married to a very good man, a very handsome man, a loyal husband, loving father, good provider, hard worker, yadayadayada... and I will also say that these words come from the head of a woman who is desperately trying to snag any reason whatsoever to stay in this thing called marriage. It's just too damned hard, every day. As for sex, I just couldn't care less about it. Put me on a plane to Venice, stand me up on the stage of Carnegie Hall where I could sing my guts out, let me walk in the woods with my kids...or even by myself. I seek moments of joy everywhere except with my husband anymore. And I just can't make the move to leave because of our two incredible children. I just can't do that to them...downer of a day I guess, sorry folks. Maureen