A View From "The Other Side" ( Rather Long-Winded)

Last night at work, I was faced with an extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant situation which brought many things into focus for me..... not all of them good. As you may recall, I took a promotion to a supervisory position just before I went in for my WLS. I have had to do a few things since taking this job which were not easy to do, but part of the job. I do not relish the role of "hard-assed boss man", and try to minimize the "Us and Them" aspect of employee relations. I have had a fair amount of success with this approach which has made the job fairly enjoyable. If I may give a bit of background, it will help with the story: When I was my old, fat self, and a craft employee, I always feared having to go to the company medical department.(of course I hated going to any doctor... but this was worse). Railroad signalling is a safety-sensitive job and as such is subject to federally- mandated drug and alcohol testing. Between this and company required physicals, we had to go there far more often than I would have liked!! I lived in fear of being removed from service for blood pressure or some other weight-related problem if not the simple fact that I was morbidly obese!!! One of the wonderful things about WLS is that I no longer even think twice about a trip to the medical dept. (or any other doctor for that matter)!! This is the positive side of my story. Now for the bad news: When I got to work last night, there was a note on my desk telling me that there was a problem with the results of a recent physical which one of my workers had taken. As his supervisor, I had the duty to inform him that he must report to the company medical department as soon as they open at 8AM!! To make matters worse, this guy is extremely overweight and is suffering from diabetes and other weight-related problems. He's a hell of a good guy and while not a close friend, was someone I occasionally hung out with in the past. Due to all of the privacy laws regarding medical issues, I have no idea what the reason for this summons is, but it doesnt take any deductive genius to conclude that this is not good news!! I have a bad feeling that this poor guy is going to have some un-scheduled time off from wor****il he can satisfy the "Medical Inquisitors"!! While I had no hand in the process, I still hate the fact that I had to be the bearer of the "Bad Tidings"! As a former fat guy, this one hit way too close to home. It was a very painful conversation, because I was living both sides of the same conversation at the same time!! Sometimes, being the boss really sucks and this one was way too sucky for my liking. I'm sure that you good people can feel my pain on this one more than most others can. Thanks for being here and allowing me to vent!!! Mike

MIke That does really suck, as it could of been you not so very long ago. I am not in a supervisory job, but, I can only imagine what youare feeling. Venting to us will make you feel somewhat better, but, it won't ever make it go away completely. Just hope the person can get the help he need to rectify the problem & get his or her job back soon. Hopefully the day will be better. Marilyn, the Bearlady

Thanks Marilyn; This one shook me up because it hit too close to "Home"!! Mike

Can I work for yoU??? I bet you are one of the nicest bosses in the world. I've not been a part of the work force for very long. AT 52 its only been about 15 years that i've worked. Before that I was a at home mom & wife. But I was fired from that position without any severance pay. Didn't even get unemployment! I can't complain cause now I have a job where the boss can't hit you cause he'd get fired! Anyways, Once I got out in the work force I started out as a material handler working for a catalog company. The pay was icky. I worked my way up and eventually applied for and got an office position data entry. Keep in mind that when I went to school many many years ago we didnt' have computers. In my school we had manual type writters. There was two electric ones but they didn't work 1/2 the time. Thanks to my old typing teach Mrs. Celico typing was my best subject. I was fast and accurate. The other obsticle I had to over come (besides my terrible spelling...) is that I'd never used a computer!!!!! Looking back I was so darn lucky to get the job! Well I worked hard and one thing led to another After a couple of years they made me the supervisor! I ended up being in charge of the list maintence dept, bulk & over seas mailing departments, the mail room, and catalog inventory. I had to update systems run reports and keep track of 10 employees. I was in charge of dicipline, hiring, and firing. I hated it! Oh I loved the job but I wanted to be everyones friend. You can't be everyones friend. They don't want you as a friend they want you as a boss. I tried to do both. I have to say I had great workers and I got along with them good too. I watched out for them and I do feel they respected me. Well to make a veyrlong story short...I left that job to move to NH stayed there a year and came back to CT. I do sales. AT the place I am now they offered me a supervisory postion 5 months ago and I refused. I told them I'm at a point in my life now where I love my job the way that it is. They said but the money Pam! I said well I make enough. (ok so I liled about that one!) The more you make the more you spend. I'm glad I refused the positon the person they gave it too is pulling their hair out. I give you alot of credit Mike its not easy to do your a stronger person than I am. Again where do I send my resume???

Hi Pam; You can come and work for me although, since you are the same age as me, you may not like the work conditions. One of the reasons that I finally took a promotion is that I didn't want to work in the snow, rain, blazing heat etc. into my 60's!! My supervisory job still requires a lot of field work, but I also get out of the weather a lot. Also, when I'm in the field, I'm directing the work and not on the "business end" of the tools and test equipment! I also resisted this promotion for years because I enjoyed being one of the worker bees instead of the $&*#$%@ boss!! I finally decided that although I would no longer be "one of the boys", that it was still possible to lead through respect rather than fear. Of course, there are always a few clowns who need to feel the whip, but by and large my theory has worked. I also decided that since I was making major changes in my life with WLS, this was a good time to make additional changes. So far, I'm glad that I did it! Mike

Mike, perhaps you might be able to spin this a little bit differently, although your awareness of being in this from both sides is quite amazing. This guy has an opportunity to do what we did - take his life back by making a radical choice to lose weight. You have an opportunity to guide him through preliminary conversations, if he is remotely inclined to go there. While memories keep us on the former-fat side, the fact is you are on the other side now. I truly never want to forget being morbidly obese because it will keep me in focus as I try to do my hard work every day. But as each day passes, I remember a little less of that life. My kids and my husband see pictures of me then and say they literally don't remember me being that large, not just for me but for them. They have no memory of that life with me. I'm getting closer to that and that scares me. You are such a giving person, if there is any opportunity at all to get this guy to open up to you a little bit about his obesity, perhaps you may be able to at least share your experience with him. And who knows where that might lead for him and for his family. Thanks for this reminder. Can't wait to see you on Thursday! Maureen

You're right once again Maureen! I do plan to talk to him on this subject once I decide on the approach I will take. I want to help him only if he wants help. When I was recovering from my surgery, I made the same vow that I made when I quit smoking 17 years ago: I am not going to preach to those who "have not seen the light"!! I refuse to become an "Evangelist for WLS"! In the bad old days, whenever I was on the recieving end of one of these "sermons", my first reaction was to make a beeline for the refrigerator...... I sure showed those nasty preachers!! Anyway, I will offer any support that he wants as long as he wants it. I hope that this can be turned into a positive wake-up call. I also want to keep the morbid obesity days fresh in my mind so that I never re-visit them in the flesh! I'm also really looking forward to seeing you on Thursday!!! Mike

Reen- My friends say the same thing to me, that they don't ever remember me being that big. I tell them it's because they were looking at me with the "eyes of love" but that yes, I was that big, and I felt that big. I just moved into a new apartment - I moved out of my boyfriend's house - that's for another posting. But anyways, I've moved in, and I haven't hung any pictures of me, because for 30.5 of my soon-to-be 32 years (Tuesday), I was a different person. You walk into my house and it's like I am in witness protection or something. Every picture I have is of something that happened in the last twelve months - in particular, the last six. I don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to put up my old pictures. I got a new job after surgery, so I have co-workers and new friends and aquaintances that I expect will come by sometime and who I feel do not need to know about my surgery. Do I put up my "fat" pictures when I'm not expecting company, then hide them like a cheating spouse when someone comes over? I don't know. -Jen

Mike, I really feel for you on this one, but lucky for your employee that he has you for a boss. Years ago, I had a boss who was such an insensitive ass. This was an office that did quality control and fraud investigations for the state. It was a fairly dangerous job and we had to go places by ourselves that not even the police would go without multiple squad cars. Everyone on this team was a gorgeous, well dressed specimen and then there was me. I got this job only because the boss' first choice turned him down and I was the only qualified candidate. He had a team of 6 beautiful women in heels, jewelery and skirts and then came Connie. I wore slacks and flat shoes because I sure as hell wasn't going to try running my fat ass out of some crazy situation with a gun or knife on a pair of high heels. I'd get shot and have a broken ankle to boot. He hated me for being fat and spoiling the look of his team and I hated him for being an jackass. After months of him hinting around and trying to get me to wear heels and a dress he finally blurted out, "Look, I know how hard it is for fat people to look good, but could you at least try to dress up?" These days I manage a team of 20 with 3 direct reports and 17 indirect reports. One of my direct reports is a wonderful woman who weighs well over 400 pounds and has all of the accompanying health issues. She is a terrific employee, but can't seem to make it in to work on time because it takes so long to get up and get going in the morning. She has lots of sick days and I have to cover for her which is really tough with my own workload. There have been several promotions that she would have been well qualified for, but she wasn't considered because of her attendance which is tied to her weight. I've got to talk to her about this, but haven't figured out what approach to use yet. I hope that I'm as sensitive and caring as you, Mike. I sure remember being on the other side of the fence. Connie

Thanks Connie; I guess that your former boss/ass had a real "Charlie's Angels" complex eh??!!! Insensitive morons like that just add to the Fat Folk's burden. As for dealing with your employee, I'm sure that you'll have no trouble being sensitive and caring. From everything I've read in your posts, you come by those traits naturally. As for being on the "other side", our former lives should certainly color how we deal with the morbidly obese. Unfortunately, it also makes it much more personal and painful. In my experience, it is also good as a supervisor to remember our experiences as a worker bee. To me the bad bosses have always been the ones who either forgot where they came from or never had the experience having gone from school to a position of authority. Thanks as always for your support. Mike