So What Gives?

Ok Guys, help me figure something out here... Today was my birthday and we had the usual family dinner out. My sister gave me a blouse and a pair of pants. The blouse was an XL and she announced loudly how hard it is to find clothes that will fit my big arms. OK, I thought that was a little rude, but let it go. Then I saw the size on the pants - 16. I wear a 10. My sister knows I wear a 10. It's the same size she wears and we've had many conversations about it. In fact, she's asked me to give her my old size 12s that are too big because she likes to wear her clothes loose. I'm really confused by this because she's been my biggest supporter. Even my father who is obtuse to things like women's clothing sizes was puzzled. Connie

First: Happy birthday gorgeous! Second I think your sister has a little jealousy going on - whether it be conscious or subconscious. How do I know? I will relate my own tale of jealousy that I hang my head in shame over, but maybe it will illustrate what sometimes happens. There is a gal at work who was several hundred pounds overweight (by my estimation). She would lose 100 dieting and look pretty good, but still quite a bit heavier than me. In the course of several years of working with her, there seemed to come a pecking order of weight so to speak. She was the heaviest, I was the 2nd heaviest, and so on. In my mind I could always say to myself "Well, I may have gained 20 lbs, but I'm still not the heaviest one there." Then she had wls. Well, she doesn't admit it, but she skirts it by saying she didn't have a gastric bypass. I'm thinking the DS. Anyway, she started losing. And losing. And losing more. And suddenly she was getting close to where I was. I was happy for her at first, and then suddenly I was getting fearful. I even expressed it to my husband as I grew panicked over it one day - that I'll be damned if I'm the fattest person at work. It was enormous pressure for me in my own mind. I could be more complacent as long as I wasn't the biggest one. Now I was faced with my own super morbid obesity and I couldn't deny it any longer. I won't say she was the reason I had the surgery. I researched it and tried to get approval for it years before she had it. But I will say that I was jealous. I was afraid of there being a new "pecking order" and I didn't want to be known as the fattest one. (That being said, she wasn't mistreated at work for her weight - it's just a term I'm using to illustrate my feelings.) When I had the surgery, I was very aware of how jealousy can grab us even when we aren't wanting to succumb to it. I also was uncomfortable with passing up my friend who also has a weight problem, but was always smaller than me. It seems unnatural that I am smaller than her now. And because I knew that somewhere in the tiny recesses of her beautiful, caring and loving mind that she too might feel jealous. And I let her have that. And I told her how I felt - that it would be weird for me to be thinner than her. That I'm supposed to be bigger than her...that's just the way it is. That is how we fit in our spaces after years of having our relationships as they are. So I gave that to her and hope she understood that I understand people can feel bad when they see others accomplish goals they are struggling with, and when they see people lose the disadvantages they always had. You were always the heavy one where you and your sister are concerned. You probably had to make up for some of it by having the wonderful, hilarious personality that you have. You yourself said you never had a problem finding men to date. That speaks volumes because some men are just afraid of fat women. So now here you are, as thin as your sister and likely you have developed over the years things about your personality and your way about you that particularly shine. This might be intimidating to your sister....causing her to feel that the ONE thing that she had over you was her size....and now that is gone. And now she is in your shadow....at least in her mind. You may not feel any of this, but I'm betting that at least a tiny bit of it is in hers. I hate to admit that I was jealous over my co-worker. Because I wasn't 100% jealous. I was also thrilled for her. But I was sad for myself. I try to keep that in mind when I deal with people who might seem less than nice at times about this. I'm upsetting the apple cart in a way. Dina

Dina is right, it probably is a jealousy thing. My sister & I have been swapping some good evening clothes lately. I needed some evening wear for the cruise and she was about my size. AS it turns out her clothes fit me now and she has grown to wear the size I grew out of. I feel really bad because I just know it pains her to be wears her little sisters BIGGER clothes. My sister was always the tall skinny one in the family. Granted she has had 3 kids over the years and age has taken over but I am sure she is not happy about wearing a size 22/24 dress and handing me her size 16s. Sort of a bittersweet exchange that neither of us spoke about. The fact that your sister made such a todo about the gift's size tells me that she wanted to make a point about what she bought. Don't worry, the egg is on her face, not yours. Sorry you had to deal with the scene.

Dina and Jane, Thanks for responding. I think you're right... She's jealous and I've upset the natural pecking order. My sister is 8 years younger than me and always hated that people asked who was older. I may have looked her age, but at least I was fat. Now I look the same age and am the same size. I took the clothes back to the store today and it felt especially good to exchange them. I'm going to spend next Saturday with my sister and I plan to talk about this with her. Maybe I'll let her feel better about herself by showing her my saggy skin. If she doesn't straighten up, I'll slap her about the head and shoulders with my saggy arm skin for 20 minutes or so. Connie

Happy Birthday Connie!! Sorry I'm late on this reply, but I've been away from the computer for a few days. I agree with Dina about the envy issue. Also a lot of people seem to feel threatened when their classification system gets dis-arranged by big changes in one of the "objects of classification"!! I have noticed many changes in the dynamics of relationships with many friends and co-workers since my post-surgical weight loss. I have decided to stop fretting about this subject and let each individual sort out their own issues. I have enough of my own without taking on those of others. I'm sure that your sister will work out her issues and things will settle down. Mike

My mother does the same thing. She can't get it through her head that I'm a small and not a medium or large. She pulls the large, actually has me try it on, then says, "we can take it in." Why take it in when there is a small right next to it? Did you ask your sister why she bought you a size 16? I'm always a direct question kind of person. I would ask.... Joanie