LONG: depression update

first, i'd like to thank those of you *****sponded to my post the other day. i meant to reply to you - and i meant to email you, margo. but to be completely honest, i've not had the desire, motivation, or energy to do much of anything here as of late. i honestly don't know what my problem is. actually, it seems to be more of a pile of problems that seems to keep growing and i've just gotten to the point where i've thrown up my hands and have all but given up. for one, and i know a lot of you may not understand this, i've had a really hard time since the death of my kitty several weeks ago. that coupled with my bout of shingles (which still has not completely healed) really got me down. i honestly did nothing more than lay around in bed for about 3 weeks, which resulted in entirely too much thinking (which is never a good thing for me). what else is wrong, you ask? well...we are having severe monetary problems that may very well result in us losing the house that we just purchased in october of last year. we've yet to pay our winter taxes (that were due in january) and now we have summer taxes due this month. i'm also beginning to have problems with being so incredibly isolated. when i met my husband, i moved here to be with him, and it's a good hour and a half or more to see any of my family (who i was very close to). since coming here, i have made absolutely no friends, i've not worked outside of the home (in fact, the other day, i even shut down my website where i was selling my own products). i'm also having problems within my marriage - of course, the money situation is putting a big strain on my marriage (i'm a major worrier and he's one of those "worrying doesn't accomplish anything" kind of guys). i just feel like we're drifting so far apart, and i have no idea how to make it any better. and, i really don't know that i can - i'm so out of sorts with myself right now that i don't know how to keep it together for someone else. part of the problem is is that i have absolutely no friends - and no, that is not an exaggeration. even my husband doesn't really have any friends - well, he has one really good friend, but he lives in omaha, ne, so that's not much help. i am going to counseling - i have been since right before the surgery, and i also see a "happy dr." for meds (prozac - which is not seeming to help at all). in fact, i saw my therapist today. funny thing is is that i usually end up leaving there much more depressed than when i went in. i don't know - i've just got all sorts of crazy ideas in my head, none of which would solve much of anything. for awhile, i was completely preoccupied with packing a bag and leaving for some far away land. but, at least a part of me realizes that this won't accomplish anything. i just feel like i'm stuck here, in this house that we may end up losing, surrounded by my husband's family (who i cannot stand). i have absolutely no one to talk to, no one to do anything with. i did go out today and turn in an application at a local video store to try and get a job and at least get out of the house, maybe meet some people, and help with the money problems. i've got an interview with them tomorrow at noon, so hopefully that will work out. my only worry is that i won't be able to stay on my feet for 8+ hours a day - it's been over 3 years since i've worked outside of the home. top this off with the fact that i'm extremely uncomfortable in this "new" body - i'm now down 182 pounds, but i'm still so incredibly overweight. i've lost my butt (think paris hilton!) and my boobs are just an empty hanging, horrible looking mess. i'm so top heavy, it's a wonder i can keep myself upright at all. i managed to squeeze into a pair of 12 pants the other day, but i'm still stuck in 30/32 shirts because of my huge arms and all of the skin on my stomach. i'm just not comfortable in my skin, and this is also putting a great strain on my marriage - i have absolutely NO desire at all to be intimate with my husband. it's gotten to the point where i try to put it off for as long as i possibly can - only do it when i absolutely cannot put him off any longer, and then am left feeling almost disgusted by the whole thing. and it seems like we've run out of things to say to one another - honestly, our daily conversations are like this: "i love you" "i love you, too" (30 second pause) "i love you" "i love you, too"...it's almost as if we're trying to convince one another (or ourselves) that this is true. now, i have THE most wonderful husband that anyone could ever ask for - he's incredibly supportive, understanding, and just amazing. but...i'm bored to death. i know that a lot of this is probably me and my issues and being uncomfortable in my own skin. but, i don't know how to get past it, and it's only seeming to get worse with every passing day. i honestly don't know what to do. when i saw my therapist today, he said that he is going to talk to my psychiatrist (my appointment with her isn't until aug. 22) and see if she will do something to adjust my meds. he also wants to see me in a week (when i normally only see him once a month) because he is "worried about my level of depression". on top of all of this, several months ago, my husband filed to adopt my son, and so we now have that to work through - the home visit is going to be soon (the next week or so). my son loves my husband - and my husband is terrific with him. god, my husband is terrific with me. but he's not terrific with finances, responsibility, or talking about problems and trying to find solutions. so, i'm left to sit around and try and figure all of this out on my own, with absolutely no one to talk to about any of it besides my husband and my therapist. i just feel like i have no idea what i'm doing or what i even want to be doing. honestly, lately, all i've wanted to do is pack up the car and go "home" - to my parent's, to my sister's, to somewhere i've never been...somewhere...anywhere. i don't know - i'm depressed about the weight loss, depressed about the current, saggy, disproportioned shape of my body. depressed and worried about money, and scared of losing our home. i'm lonely - so incredibly lonely that it's unreal. and bored - every single day is exactly the same...no one calls, no one stops by, we never have any sort of plans. i guess it's just all getting to me, and i'm not sure what else to do to make it any better. i've become grumpy, irritable, and just an absolute b$#%! i'm afraid that i'm pushing my husband away, but then at the same time question whether i can really stay in this relationship, this town, alone and in these circumtances for the rest of my life. it just seems like everything is coming down on me all at once - money, car problems, emotional distance, you name it... god, i'm so sorry that this is so long. i've just got so much on my mind. thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read through all of this. i know that i don't really post all that much - but i am here every day, and i read almost all of the posts. i just honestly don't feel as if i have much to contribute these days. but, you guys are like family to me and have helped me in so many ways. again, i'm sorry for the long, whiny tangent that this post turned into. ...i'm off to bed. kym

Hi Kym. I am very sorry for your troubles and don't have much to say that would be different from anything you've certainly already heard. Whether or not we've had the surgery, life is hard; the problems you cite are problems that hit people in spades no matter WLS or significant weight loss, no matter what. So my first piece of advice to you is to try to separate the issues from the WLS, keep the WLS separate from all else. Then, list the problems - not just talk about them, list them - make a list of all the problems, issues that you are having right now. Let's face it, a list of problems becomes something we can then focus on what we can fix, one at a time; a list becomes a tangible identification of "things" -- and then we can focus on prioritizing that list in terms of manageability and productivity -- sorting through the list to determine what can be dealt with effectively, with the objective of ultimately crossing things off the list. You can't fix any of it by remaining so emotional about these issues - this is the hardest part. You have to neutralize your feelings in order to effectively deal with the very real problems with which you are currently faced. Keep working with your therapist and good luck getting a job, getting out of your house and interacting with people in a manner that can relieve you of the burden of your sadness and depression, if only for a few hours a day, can only be a good thing. Get the help you need. Take good care of yourself. Love, Reenie

reenie, thank you so much. actually a lot of what you said was what my couselor told me today...make lists - pros/cons, lists of my strengths, what i like about myself, etc... i know i don't post a lot on here, but i'm here everyday (sometimes several times a day), and i want you to know how much you have helped me (with everything). i know that the majority of my issues aren't related to the wls at all - though, i know that my body image and lack of self-esteem are at least somewhat related to this "new" body that i have now and all of the resulting feelings that have come with that. i'm just so unsure of myself at this point. hopefully, i will get this job - i know that it would be wonderful for me to be able to get out of the house, meet people, and help with our financial problems. i'm just really nervous about getting back out into the world and the workforce - i'm feeling a bit like "nell" (lol) - like i've completely lost any ability to socialize in a normal setting. i suppose i really need to head to bed - i'm just so nervous about this interview tomorrow, as i feel that i have so much riding on it. but, i wanted to thank you...for your response, your support, and just for being you in general. it means so much to me that you care, that you took the time to talk with me about this. i realize this is going to sound a bit corny, but you truly are my hero in all of this. it has been amazing to watch you change and grow and turn into this beautiful butterfly. i can only hope that i can someday get to a point where i can be as accepting of myself as you are of yourself. it's been incredible to watch your transformation and to read about all of your self discoveries. thank you again...for everything. take care, kym

Oh my gosh, Kym....you have me in tears. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You said you feel worse after your therapist appointments, and I'm thinking maybe a change of therapist might help a little. Going out to work is definately theraputic and will help your financial situation. Sometimes we need to push ourselves...and a little push can go a long way. Maybe once you go out to work, you'll meet some people and form friendships...and positive things can snowball from there. You're in my prayers and I'm hoping you feel better soon! Joanie

thanks joanie. though, i'm sorry i had you in tears... actually, my therapist is really good - i've had quite a few over the years, and he's the first one that i've felt any sort of connection with. the problem is that when i'm there, i'm so focused on what's wrong and how to go about fixing it that when i leave i'm just emotionally exhausted. i did have my interview today, and i'm pretty sure that i'll get the job. though, i'm not too sure how i feel about it. it only pays minimum wage, but i suppose at this point, it's better than sitting around making nothing...right? and, it's only part time, so it will leave me with some time to look for something else - maybe another part time job to supplement it with. i think i just really need to make myself get out of the house and spend some time with people. and apparently, my therapist talked with my "happy dr." and she called me today and is having me double my dose of prozac, so we'll see if that makes any difference. thanks again, kym

aww sweetie! i wish that i had come back on last nite- well- i certainly can understand why you haven't e'd-kym i have had those days where all i wanted to do was go back to bed- and i understand them-- i cannot agree more with reenie-and your therapist-to make lists- to make a journal-writing things down sometimes makes them stare at your face more which is uncomfy but also makes you feel that you are actually addressing things-prioritize-cross off when something is done! ( i love that part!!) rewrite- doodle-make notes of how you think you feel about things- maybe write notes in the sides of what the weather is like or what you ate or who you talked to and what they said or how that made you feel-maybe then you can see a pattern? or sub lists as to what needs to happen to accomplish something--break things down as to what has to be done to achieve XX thing or YY thing--even listing bills can help- yikes-sorry!!! i also can relate very well to your loss of your kitty- i am one whose cats' remains are in a container on my headboard- i think there was a discussion on this or the over fifty forum about this and i hushed cuz i didn't want to admit that i have my ernie in a tupperware container in a beautiful longaberger basket with a lace liner and a brass tag with her name and dates of birth and death engraved- she was special- i had had her in my life for 18 1/2 years when i had to put her to sleep-so--i can understand your grief for your lil one! kym- my offer to email stands- (phone too--and if i drove up there would ya let me in????hehe)and i wish that i could say more right now- i am here- and i have been where you are- and i will help you- we all will- but you know that you yourself needs to help kym most! you are doing that by writing -whether to us or journalling- and you are doing that by identifying what bothers you- some may see it as trivial- it is not. reenie is right to suggest that you seperate the wls issues from any others- and it may seem hard cuz "body image" is certainly part of the whole kym package but it will improve! whoever promised you a perfect world after wls lied-sorry! but you are a beautiful gal and you know it and you have alot to save in your life and your marriage---one step at a time--- wow- am i making any sense??/sorry!! i ramble- anyhow- let us know what goes on in your interview today--and don't dwell with them on any of this- it is not their business!!!!! smile- and go get em girl!!!!!! i'll check back later to hear about the inetrview-good bad or otherwise-k?!!!! hugs,margo big hugs!!!!!!!!

well, of course i'd let you in, silly! i just may never let you leave! lol actually this house is such a terrible disaster here lately. between the shingle episode and the depression, i've not done much of anything. and god knows, my husband and son won't lift a finger to help around the house. so things have gotten pretty gross. lol the interview actually went really well. the only problem being that it only pays minimum wage and is only part time. but...i figure it's better than making nothing, and i know that it will be good for me to get out of the house (even though i'm not entirely thrilled with the idea). i do have a lot of lists...in my head, on paper, and i also keep an online journal over at livejournal.com. the only problem with that one is that my husband is able to read it, so it kind of limits what i can say about him - lol. and, i'm not exactly thrilled with him today at all. he's throwing literally hundreds of dollars away on absolutely nothing, forgetting to write things in the checkbook - this morning, i thought our balance was over 300.00 until i balanced it with the online statement only to discover he had neglected to write in a bunch of stuff and in reality we only had $30. i'm just at a loss as to what to do with him. i don't know if i should take him off of the checking (it is my account), completely close the checking and just use money orders for bills, or (the really tempting option) take that $30 and head for the hills. lol i really wish that you guys had the support group a little closer out my way. i could really use something like that, but they're all so far away and i just can never seem to make them. i'd love to meet up with you and go out to lunch or dinner or coffee or...anything! i'd absolutely love to get out of the house, and it would be so nice to be able to talk to and be friends with someone who has had this surgery. also - i know i've been rambling on about myself, but i've been wondering how your husband is doing? i haven't seen you post anything about him in awhile? even though i have been pretty self-absorbed as of late, you guys have been in my thoughts quite often. i hope things are going well. anyway, sorry this got so long again. i guess i've just got a lot of stuff that i need to get out, eh? take care, kym

kym...oh gosh...write away hon!! i don't mind the length at all- or put in email if you wish- i understand about the minimum wage thing but maybe it IS better than nothing-as you say it gets you outta your own 4 walls! as a bank employee; i will suggest that you take him off the account if he is causing you to go thru so much money- here are some things to think of tho--1st-to take him off-you have to close the acct;you can open a new one-but you have to close that one -you cannot just "take" him off--2nd-does his pay get automatically deposited into your acct? if so-you cannot take his name off there;it has to have his name on there in order for the deposit to go thru electronically. if he is running thru funds like nutso you need to take action or he will put you into the negative even more and you are responsible with your name on there- i would truly suggest some counselling for him- credit counselling- probly easier said than done?! one thing that has disturbed me from the beginning of ever talking with you - the fact of him taking you so far from your family, etc--often seen as an act of control---hmm..well- kym,the increase in your dosage won't show up in your spirits immediately-give it time to work for you!!!!! as for the support group-i had to give it up last winter- long story will NOT go into here- my hubby is home and healing every day-thanks for asking! he is seeing progress but may still be at least another month before he can return to work.he will have surgery again to reattach the bowel probably around christmas. well-am glad to hear that you are game for the job even tho not the most thrilling to ya! it's a start--ya have to crawl before ya can walk ( my mom always tells me this!) later gater!

we've decided to try something new with the checkbook in a last ditch attempt to try and make it work. *crosses fingers*. i have to say, though, that he didn't really take me so far away from my family. when we first decided to live together, i was in between temp jobs and living in a rather small apartment. he was renting a house, and had been at his job for a little over 5 years. the original plan was for him to move in with us, but after giving it a lot of thought, i decided that it just made more sense for us to move here with him. so, i kind of put myself in this little boat. things do seem to be going a bit better now, though. we'll see how long it lasts. i have an appointment with my therapist on thursday, and i've managed to get him to agree to go with me, so i'm hoping that that will help things as well. i'm so glad to hear that your husband is doing better, though it sounds like he's still got quite a few bumps ahead in the road. i hope everything works out for him. i will definitely keep him (and you) in my thoughts. my interview actually went really well for the job. i should know for sure whether or not i got in on monday. i'm still looking for something else - maybe even just another part-time job to supplement this one. hopefully, things will work out. it's just been so long since i've worked outside of the home, that i'm really nervous about it and seemed to have lost all confidence in my ability to do a good job or even to socialize appropriately. i'm so sorry that you had to give up the group. maybe someday soon we could get together for lunch or coffee or something. i'd really love that. take care, kym -and, thank you so much...for everything.

Kymber, First off, I can relate to the depression issue a lot lately. I did go to the Dr. yesterday & he changed the anti-depressant I was on. It sounds like your Dr. needs to cahnge what you are taking & change it soon. We are all different in what we can obsorb. so tell him it is not working and to try something else. I f you don't see a significant difference in 2 weeks change to something else. there is a lot out there & we need to keep trying till we find what works. You DO NOT NEED to feel this way. I am feeling much better & don't feel like jumping off the nearest bridge. I upped my dosage on my own of what I was taking then yesterday the Doc change me to Wellbutrin. If that doesn't work we will try something else. Like Reenie said, make that list & deal with whatever you can change now & deal with the others one at a time. Maybe if you start feeling better about yourself, you can get a part or full time job to help with the bills. That will possibly help in the money matters. You have to get control first then deal with the other stuff. Good Luck & we are hear to listen when you need to talk. This board is amazing & has helped me a lot. Marilyn, the Bearlady