8 Lessons From My Sick Bed

Thanks for checking up on me Reenie, I was one very sick puppy. I learned a lot over the last couple of weeks. It all started Saturday before last. I wasn't feeling great, but was on my way out the door to the gym when I realized that I hadn't had a bowel movement in over a week and thought I ought to give it the old college try before I went to work out. I'm going to spare you all the grizzly details, but I found myself in quite the predicament on the toilet. Couldn't finish what I started out to do - think cement. Believe it or not, I have a wall phone in my bathroom. I debated calling someone, but what was I going to ask them to do, bring a tow chain, dynamite, and a vacuum hose? So I sat.... for a long time. I'm sure there was red ring around my butt by the time I got up. I finally came to the conclusion that there really wasn't anything anyone could do for me and it was up to me to work things out. I finally got things...ummm...ahem.... How do I put this? Let's just say that I got myself to a place where I could get off the toilet into my vehicle and down to the drugstore. I waddled through the store a bought a pack of 3 saline enemas, came home and administered them to myself. Nothing moved. Lesson #1 - Doing three saline enemas in one day will dehydrate your ass big time. Even though nothing moved, I did feel better and went to a friend's for a pool party that afternoon. (Never made it to the gym.) I tried to stay out of the sun, used lots of sunscreen and drank lots of water, but I'm very susceptible to sun and heat stroke. Lesson #2 - Don't go to a pool party when it's 111 degrees out and you've just given yourself three saline enemas. By 1:00 am Sunday morning, I woke up praying for death. If I could have rolled over to dial the phone, I would have called 911, but I just couldn't do it. I was so weak, so sick and in so much pain that all I could do was lay there and moan. The cats were disgusted with me for disturbing their sleep and huffed off indignantly. By 8:00 am, the pain had subsided so I rolled over and called my sister. I wasn't in as much pain, but I was so weak that I couldn't hold a glass of water. Thank God for sisters that will come and spoon feed you water. And get this - My jackass therapist is charging me for the appointment that I missed with her because I didn't give her 24 hour notice that I was dying. Seriously - I had an appointment at 2:30 pm on Sunday. At 2:30 pm on Saturday, I felt fine. I had no idea that in 24 hours I was going to be wishing I was in a coma. I called the therapist Sunday morning when my sister got to my house and literally held the phone up for me to talk into. The therapist insists that I pay the 60.00 office visit fee for the missed appointment or she won't see me again. I told her how unreasonable I think she is and I have no intentions of going back to her because her priority is clearly money and not my well being. I even offered to provide a doctor's statement of how sick I was and proof that I ended up in the hospital and she says that if I wasn't actually in the hospital at the time of the scheduled appointment, I still owe her 60.00. Lesson #3 - When your sister tells you that you look like a big pile of crap and you need to go to the hospital - do it. After we got some fluid in me, I really started feeling better and sent her home. Mistake. By that night, I was in worse shape than before and my temp was way up. Lesson #4 - When your pee is the color of Sunrise Orange Crystal Light and you haven't been drinking Sunrise Orange Crystal light, it's a bad thing. After that, things were a blur. I know that by Monday, I still hadn't crapped, my urine was all kinds of fascinating colors and I found myself hospitalized and hooked up to IVs. Lesson #5 - IVs have a lot of calories. You'd think you'd lose a ton of weight with not eating for 5 days, but not if they're pumping calories through your veins. *******s. So the long and short of it was I was full of crap (thankfully no twisted bowel, but firmly packed), had a raging kidney infection that was bleeding profusely (reason still unknown and it's still bleeding), severely dehydrated and just for fun, the good doc decided I also had the stomach virus that's been going around. For 5 days, they couldn't get my temp much below 101. Fevers usually produce pretty strange dreams and verbal rambling out of me. You'll all be glad to know that I saved the universe in a dilapidated starship that was rattling apart; I did shoot the bad guys out of the sky. Some of the stuff that was coming out of my mouth had my doctor thinking that a psych eval might be in order. Actually, the good doctor offered to take me out back, shoot me and put me in a hole. I was OK with that method of treatment. The 5 days after I got out of the hospital were spent on my couch. Lesson #6 - Invest in comfortable furniture, you'll be glad you did. Lesson #7 - I do not need to quit my job to stay home and watch daytime television. Lesson #8 - Cats do not care that you are sick. As far as they are concerned, that's your problem, you just need to get off your dead ass and cater to them. On more than one occasion, I woke to find a cat sitting on my chest and staring at me. I think they were trying to steal my soul while I was in a weakened state. They only love me for my opposable thumbs. I'm gonna get a little rest and then I'll be back later to try to catch up on what's been going on while I was out of commission. Love and Hugs, Connie

Just glad you're ok! I just knew something was wrong when you were away for so long; you usually tell us when you're heading to God knows where for God knows how long, and you didn't this time. Take care of yourself, feel better and chuck the shrink...Love, Reenie

Connie - only YOU could make a near death experience hilarious. I am so glad you are okay now! The therapist: Don't just fire her ass, sue her ass. IMO it is malpractice to insist on you paying a fee when you are deathly ill. Whatever you do, don't pay that beeyotch! Now - I'm off to the toilet to practice my BM's so I don't end up full of it!!!

oh my so glad to know that you are home....... hugs back

Connie, I recently saw my regular doc (PCP) and told him I was still having problems in this area -- this has been an issue for me since surgery, very difficult BM's, lots of straining, even though I take a Colace once a day and I feel I am getting plenty of fiber on a daily basis. He said it will be devestating for me if I continue having this problem post-hernia repair as the repair will simply be undone if I have to strain like thsi! He prescribed something for me called "Glycolax" -- its a powder and I am to mix one scoopful into anything that I drink once a day. It is non-habit forming and basically just keeps things moving along in your colon, kind of wakes the system up. Surely you will have an after-emergency visit with your PCP; ask him about this stuff and give it a try. It's really helped already in the few days I've been taking it. And for God's sake, get some sleep! Love, Reenie

Yanno - I have had a couple of harder ones, but guess what I've found to be effective? You all are going to hit me, but COFFEE! I just drink a ton of it and things move right along! Hee hee. Truly is effective. If I'm really plugged up, I don't eat anything but just drink the coffee and things get pretty loose pretty quick! Dina

Sorry you were sick, but what a great read. I agree, only you could find the fun in all of this. Take care, Connie. We need you around. And rest assured that men are not all that different from casts, we just don't care about the thumbs.

We missed you !! I'm glad you're back and feeling better. Take care of your self. Judy

Connie! I am so glad you are feeling better! Your post made me smile! YOur cats sound like my kids...my Dh can whisper I have a headache and those kids stay away from him like the PLAGUE! I cry and carry on about being ill and they are on me like a fly on fly paper. I love that waking up to someone staring at YOU! take it easy and rest! canI come tell your therapist to kiss off??? geez what a witch@@ nic 291/161/???

GEEEEZZZZ...I can't believe what you've been through! What an ordeal! You scared me a little because I do have some anal/pooping issues and I also lose track of time as to when I do the deed. We ate some latin type food the other week that gave me the severe plop plops and I'm tempted to go back and get more. I have a cat too. You're right about them. They do not love unconditionally. Your therapist is a disgrace and should be disbarred. I'm glad to hear your sense of humor is back and you are feeling better...now stay healthy. There's no option. Joan