Flirting & Temptation

I hate to be the kind of person who drops in every blue moon to post, but it has turned out that way hasn't it? I just want to get ideas from you all - whether married or not. I have been having a hard time recently with flirting. I find that I have gained some confidence back and I realize now that this is the me I always was before I got morbidly obese, but the problem is that now I am married. I am finding I feel like a crack addict with the attention and when I get a little bit, I find that I'm encouraging more of it because I'm thriving off of it. If it were just that, well, no really big deal. I mean, I can put that in proper perspective (I think....no emotion wrapped up in it - just ego). But the issue I've had lately is that there is this one person I've suddenly become somewhat infatuated with that I work with and I can't get it out of my mind. I am a Christian and completely and utterly opposed to any infidelity whatsoever, and this is why this is so troubling for me....because I'm hooked on this attention. I will explain further that this person isn't in my town and I have never even met him face to face. Heck, it's quite likely that it is one-sided as well - which is a GOOD thing. But I can't quite get away from the attention and all. I get all those butterflies going and it angers me that I am letting myself get sucked into it. I'm desperately trying to refocus my thoughts and feelings back onto my DH right now, and it is hard. I'm pretty much praying day and night for help. So what I wonder here is how you all have been feeling in your relationships? I am not suggesting that any of us will go out and have affairs (although I suspect some may), but I really need to hear how others are coping with this stuff. I know that some of mine comes from losing weight. I'm feeling more confident around other people and with that brings the extra attention from others. But moreso than the weight loss, it seems to me that I discovered that it's an appreciation thing. It's having someone express admiration for my talents and such. Obviously lines of communication aren't as strong in my marriage right now as they once were, so I know that has to be worked on. But even though I can express it in words, I can't seem to force myself out of the infatuation. What are you all doing and how are you coping? Dina

dina, btdt...it's sooo nice to have guys looking at me again for the first time in years. Might i suggest counseling for you to help you work thru this and the other issues that we face with WLS? Good luck. Feel free to email me at [email protected] if you ever wanna talk...i'm a goodl listener and not as dumb as i look. LOL wendy

Thanks Wendy! It's quite funny actually - I have a counselor and normally would see her tomorrow but she is out of town!!!

Oh darling! I love you dearly but that camera you have in my mind needs to go! I could have written your post word for word... except my situation is not one sided. A very real offer was made and I said no right away but now am thinking why did I say no?? well hell I said no cause I know its wrong. Basically this I know about myself, I love men, most of my best friends are men. I am a flirty/friendly person and I like other people that are flirty/friendly. I do not have any real examples of long standing marriages, I have 2 cousins that are still married to their orignal spouse after 10 years of marriage. I have seen marriages last but they are the 2nd or 3rd ones. I finally convinced my DH to go to counseling and the counselor we saw said things like"you are the most together couple I see" blah blahblah so counseling with the DH isn't gonna happen again@@ ugh!!! I am so with ya right there sister! I had issues with this before and got tons of support here and thought everything was getting better but this time it is different cause this person is around we work together. If i weren't married I wouldn't have had any second thoughts about his offer. I think the fact that you are looking for help says a ton about your character! I will gladly support you! Nic 291/161/150

Wendy, I see joy and spontaneity and a pure zest for life and living in your face -- nothing dumb about it! Reenie

I am married, but separated from my husband, who still is like my best friend. I am living with a man now, but my husband is noticing me now, and I think this time apart is good for us and in the end it wll work out and things will be fine.

Hi Dina... This is a toughy. It's hard for me to make any kind of comment because I've been divorced for a while now. I mentioned in an earlier post that the I've read that the divorce rate skyrockets after surgery. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we now feel different about ourselves, and perhaps the non-surgical partner feels threatened in some way...actually, I think there are lots of issues involved. I felt like marriage counseling should be part of the process, just like all the medical testing we go through before the surgery. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I'm sure that you being a Christian woman...you'll do the right thing. Take care and be well.... Joan

Well, of course I have something to say about this. You know me; everyone is entitled to my opinion. I've given this sort of stuff much, much thought. I'm fascinated by the psychological effects of wls and the cultural and social changes we go through. I have three friends that had wls a few months before me. We've weathered lots together and share an amazing amount of stuff for people who didn't know each other a year and a hal*****he other three are married and I'm the single one in the bunch. Two of them have had affairs and the other married one probably will one of these days. Her husband no longer finds her sexually attractive and while they have a wonderful relationship, it is more of a brother/sister sort of thing. So of the two who had affairs, both will tell you that they're married to great guys and they are. Both will tell you that their sex lives at home are great - I take their word for that. Both will tell you that they had a good marriage before the affair. Both have strong ties to their churches. So what happened? Get ready for musing and rambling... Both of my friends will tell you that the reason they had an affair was because of how they felt with the other man. They felt sought after, desired and most of all accepted. What they didn't feel at home was desired, really desired. As we gain confidence in our new bodies, we project our self-assurance. A man once wrote to me that what he found attractive about me was my confidence. I weighed 265 pounds at the time and found it hard to believe that anyone found me attractive, but this is what he said, "The most alluring woman is one who is self-reliant, confident and presents herself to the world as being self-assured. She doesn't need a man to complete her, but having the right man to compliment her presence is essential." Soooooo.... I think it's a matter of we gain confidence and become more attractive just because our attitudes have changed. Add to that the basic need we all have to be desired and there you have it. Now why are some of us at least tempted to have n affair when others aren't. I think it's because something is missing in our lives. I think we are still trying to fill an unmet need. There's a gap, a hole, a vacancy that is screaming for attention. It may be communication, physical closeness, sexual desire, affirmation or any of a thousand other things, but we're trying to address an unmet need. I think the trick is to identify the need and then address it. Easier said than done. Not to mention that the tummy butterflys are damned exciting. Hang in there, hun. I'm only an e-mail away. Hugs, Connie

So I guy wrote something like that to you and you let him get away???? I say CALL HIM UP ASK HIM OUT AND LET THINGS FLY AS THEY MAY! Hugs, Reenie

Dina, I think you are so beautiful -- inside and out -- that I can't believe you haven't had this problem all along, no matter what your weight has been! Chiming in here with my perspective on this very sensitive issue, as a long-time married person, I whole-heartedly agree with Kevin Costner when he stated, "Marriage is a hard, hard gig," and then was ridiculed for having said so. I have oftentimes wondered if it isn't downright unnatural for human beings to stay with the same partner "till death do us part" -- pointing to that other famous quote, "Familiarity breeds contempt." So, I absolutely understand where you're coming from here. The trick is to find a way to keep your marriage interesting to the extent you continue to want to be with your spouse. I confess, I have not found that magic formula, however, I am so disillusioned with "partnering" altogether that I don't have any interest in ANYONE, including my husband. So no real advice here but rather to support you with my good thoughts and wishes for you to be at peace with whatever it is you are feeling and to suggest that if you are committed to your husband, you need to share with him what's going on for you. He needs to know that something pretty significant is missing in your life together and that it's scaring you. Be fair to him, Dina. Give him the chance to help make things better. In the meantime, go easy on yourself -- it's perfectly ok to feel what your feeling -- the difficult choices are how to act on those feelings. I'm here for you, my friend. Take care, Love, Reenie