Help! - Talk Me Off The Food Ledge

OK, I need some real help here, folks. I never use the star urgent thingy so you know I'm in need. I have been totally out of control for the last week. I know it has to do with breaking up with the Dude last weekend and procrastinating studying for my professional cert. I'm stuffing emotions. I'm trying to be emotionaly numb. I'm not making bad food choices, I'm just eating waaaay too much at a time and waaay too fast. I'm eating to the point of pain. I've psycho-analyzed myself 6 ways from Sunday and think that as long as I'm hurting physically, I'm not hurting emotionally. How messed up is this? On my way back from the gym this morning, I stopped and ordered a Super Taco. C'mon, I can no sooner eat a Super Taco than I can eat my own head. As I sat in the drive through, I rationalized and figured that I was just going to eat the guts and throw away the rest. OK, if that was true, why didn't I just order a regular taco? Why a Super Taco that comes with 2, count 'em, 2 fried tortilla shells, twice as much shredded beef, guacamole and a mountain of cheese? I only got through 1/2 of it when I was praying for hurl. Even as I was taking yet another bite, I was thinking, "Gawd, I'm gonna hate myself." I finally came out of the frenzy and gave the plate to the dog before I could stuff another bite in my mouth. I swear I felt like a crack addict. A few nights ago, I found an old mini bag of microwave popcorn in the cupboard. I popped that sucker up and had the whole thing down my throat before I knew it. I don't think I breathed between bites. I was shoveling with both hands. I don't think that popcorn is the food of Satan like Twizzlers are, it's just that I inhaled that stuff. I wasn't chewing, I wasn't tasting, I was stuffing. I've done pretty well with emotional eating up to now, but just can't seem to get a grip this time. I've tried documenting in Fitday.com - all that does is tell me that I'm eating 1200 to 1400 calories a day at this pace instead of my usual 1000 and it upsets me further; doesn't slow me down a bit. I've tried journaling and get bored, or just don't want to look at it on paper, not sure which, but in either case, I don't seem to get anything meaningful down on paper. Tried staying busy with video games, but I can beat Luxor and stuff Bing cherries in my mouth at the same time. They're sick of seeing me at the gym and it sort of defeats the purpose of working out when I'm pulling into a fast food place on the way home anyway. Went out with a girlfriend Friday night and Saturday night went out with a guy who's been asking me out for a long time. Now with all this activity, you'd think that I wouldn't have time to eat. I FIND THE TIME! I actually obsessed overnight about a bag of pork rinds until I ate them. OK guys.... HELP!!!!! Connie - who actually feels better having just written this.

Hey Connie; I'm definitely not the one you need right now, but maybe we can take a few steps back together. You see, I also have had an extremely bad week. I was on vacation this week, but I have been dealing with a case of tendonitis in my right shoulder which has negatively impacted everything I try to do. I am so right-handed that I'm almost totally incapacitated by having my right arm impaired. Thankfully, I have been able to continue walking or else I might have gained a lot more than the 5 pounds I've packed on!! I'm bored, annoyed, depressed and eating everything that can't out-run me (and I'm a lot faster than I used to be)!! I'm terrified that I'm falling back into the same old tried and true fat rut. I reached what I hope is the low point tonight by eating 2 hot dogs with buns! I've been eating crackers, cheetos, and God knows what all. I'm totally disgusted with myself right now and your post just reminds me that we are all in this together!! Lets make a pact to get our acts together for just one day tomorrow. I intend to kick the carbs and other crap for tomorrow and then take it one day at a time like all of the other recovering substance- abusers out there try to do. Are you with me Connie?? Lets get back on track. I'm going to report in tomorrow on how I did. Hang in there and let's work together. Maybe we can step back from the edge of the abyss. Mike

I know what you're talking about Connie. I have been eating too much lately also, but it's not been the frenzied eating that I thought it would be. No, it's a slow noshing that is keeping me from losing more. I know why I'm not losing - I'm eating too much. And although I'm not eating to the point of pain, I'm eating frequently - especially on my weekends. I started to realize that yes, indeed, I'm letting the stress of work get to me and I'm porking out that way. My week at work last week I made a point to not take things to eat I normally take, and to just have a little jerky or something. I'm not starving, and when I do get to that hunger stage I can eat something like SF yogurt and do okay. I just need to keep myself occupied. When I'm at home I can vegetate and then I want to eat and eat and eat. I would have to disagree with you about the working out though. It does do something for you in that it keeps you from gaining. 1400 calories is not the end of the world. I would venture a guess to say I'm eating more like 1800 in a day now on a fairly regular basis. So don't feel bad. I am sorry I cannot give you answers to buck you up better. I'm kind of in the same boat and feel like I'm going to be stuc****il summer hits and I can start swimming and avoid the food. Dina

It took great courage for you to post this, Connie, and this will help a lot of us who are struggling right now. For those who aren't, can you please share your thoughts on how you are managing to continue to do so well? I've been trying to wrestle with this issue as well. I'm not out of control -- yet -- but it's just a matter of time and, like you, I use food to sooth my feelings of...well, you name it and I'll find a way to eat over it. I've got to pull my thoughts together on this before I can respond coherantly, so for now, know that we're in your corner and boy do I get where you're coming from. Love and hugs to you -- and every time you feel like caving in today, stop for just a moment, close your eyes and see yourself being surrounded by all of us in a great, big, gigantic virtual hug - then just breathe through it and let it pass...more later. Love, Reenie

Dear Connie: I am so sorry that now that you've come so far that you are strugggling so. If I were you I would seek professional help and support. This past winter I had some problems at home and went to see a psychologist. I had about 8 sessions with her to deal with the issue that I went to see her about. But it was during my sessions with her that I was able to resolve other very important but unrelated problems. Don't let this eating too much take over your life and your progress. Good luck to you. Pat/Louise PS I have taken to using my real first name here on the boards

me thinks there are too many of us on this ledge connie-hang on tight cuz i have been grazing noshing stuffing too this past week- i think it is the stress of having michael home and neither of us getting a paycheck for three weeks...nahhhhhh---i did manage to eat on about 6 # while he was in the hospital...and they found a friend since he got home! i wrote a 13 page letter to my dad about why i don't call him on my cell phone with my free minutes-long story way short he is being childish and i wanted him to "hear" me so i wrote and wrote and wrote-fininshed it yesterday..... anyhow- i can offer no special words other than thank you for your honesty- and i am holding onto ya gf so you don't fall....with you and mike and dinka doo and me -well- i am sure that others will help us to hold on as well.....sort of odd tho that so many of us had this type of week?????all at the same time?????? love ya

Ya Know, It that darn Full Moon. It had us all going crazy this week. I am actually fighting 8 lb gain from while I wa on Vacation for 2 weeks. I am back to work & have lost a couple of them, but still struggling. I started drinking shakes (I wasn't before) & I think thats the reason I gained, but I haven't stopped drinking them, just cut back. I think I was drinking too many. I also have gone back to 3 meals aday & stopped the snacking in between. Just got a book from a Paula Beck, who is an RN & she had surgery 5 years ago. She says, as well as my Doc to only eat 3 meals a day (small ones of course) & don't snack in between. Drink at least 64 oz. of water a day & the dredded exercise thing too. So I started doing that & I have got back on track a little. We'll see if it continues to work, or if I can stick too it. Hope tis helps a little Connie. It does seem we are all going thru the same stuff right now. That full moon is gone now, so maybe we can all settle down & make this all work again. Marilyn, the Bearlady

I hope writing helped...it always seems to help me. Thank God you are still working out...that has to help. Old habits are hard to break...I know because I fight the same demons. I'm thinking of going to therapy to tackle my demons. I know I eat more than I did 8 months ago, and it's tough. I haven't gained, but I'm worried about it. ONE of my problems is that I don't work out. I don't have the time...and I keep thinking that if I did I could lose the last 10 lbs. I have to do something soon...I am TERRIFIED of gaining the weight back. That is my obsession every time I put something in my mouth...that I'm going to gain it all back. I think I need a therapist.... Hope you're feeling better.... Joan

You guys are the best. I knew I could reach out and you'd all be here for me. Let me tell you what happened last night... I'm on a date (nothing thrilling) when I get three phone calls from my 2 girlfriends who have also had wls. I didn't take the calls until after the date ended around 9:00. There were urgent, whispered messages to come over to Jan's house right away, they needed me. When I got to Jan's I found Jan, Kathie and a friend of Jan's, Ellie from New York. Jan's sister just died a couple of weeks ago from obesity related issues, Ellie was in some kind of crying funk and Kathie was about to leave her husband. Whoa, not the happiest place on earth. I had been called to bring my happy face and cheer the place up and as you guys know, I wasn't exactly feeling like a ray of sunshine myself. I looked around the table at this morose group of people and said, "Get up and get dressed, we're going dancing." They were dressed in 10 minutes and we were out the door. It's Sunday night and I have no idea where to go so I just pull into the first little hole I see and hope they have a juke box. It's a neighborhood dive that I've never been to with about 6 people in the place, but they have a dance floor and a juke box. We took over the place and we danced, and we danced and we danced, everybody that is except Ellie. We got the locals up dancing, I gave Salsa lessons, the locals bought the other girls drinks (I'm the designated driver) and the locals even bought us roses. Ellie just sat at the table and looked upset. I went back to the table to get my water and found out that Ellie was really envious that Kathie, Jan and I were 100 pounds lighter than her, she couldn't keep up, her GERD was bothering her and she was tired. I realized that I was looking at an image of myself 16 months ago. This was going to be me again, sitting on the sidelines, if I didn't get myself under control. It really hit home. Today, I'm doing well. Well, except for the blisters on my feet. When I got dressed for my date, I had no intentions of dancing for 3 hours so wore 4 inch heels. Hey! 16 months ago I couldn't have walked into the place on 4 inch heels, much less danced 3 hours. Mike - The pact is on. I'm on the straight and narrow today and I've started my day with lean turkey and an ounce of cheese. I'm with you, Mike and I'll post back how I did also. Thanks for being there. Dina - You're right about working out. As soon as I get my butt off here, I'm heading for the gym and I'm not stopping for food on the way home. Reenie - Thanks for the virtual hug. I knew you'd be there for me with your usual words of wisdom and unending support. Pat/Louise and Joan - I agree, time for a mental tune up. I need to find out what's eating me. Tomorrow, I call Frank the therapist. Margo - Holy cow! If anyone ever deserved to no****'s you. I so admire your courage and am so grateful that you took the time to reach out to me. Marilyn - You reminded me abou****er. I really don't think I've been drinking enough and that may very well be part of my problem. I'm putting away the iced tea and picking up my water bottle. Thanks guys. I love you huge. Connie