TOUGH WEEKEND

Hi all. I had a tough time of it this weekend. I found myself behaving in ways that I thought were gone for good -- eating on the run, eating alone and in the car, sneak-eating things that I know I should not be even thinking about. I'm back on track now but can't help but wonder what this is all about. The behavior concerns me more than what I'm actually eating because all things -- success and failure -- depend on what's going on at the starting gate, i.e., the head. If I haven't been able to change my behavior for the long haul -- the same behavior that caused me to weigh over 350 lbs. for most of my adult life -- it's only a matter of time before it all starts to creep back on. I'm not looking for a pity party, honest, I just want to throw this out there. If others are having this problem, can we talk things through a bit? I need to understand things before I can fix them. Thanks. Have a great day. Reenie

I think we all encounter tough times. I went to a bridal shower this weekend. It was a brunch/buffet type thing in a restaurant. I had a quarter of a bagel with cream cheese, salad, 1/4 of a veg/cheese omlette, a small shrimp, and 2 little forkfulls of my cousins chocolate fudge cake. Now that sounds like a lot, but compared to what I would have done before WLS...I think I did ok. I do eat everything...but I 'taste' rather than have full portions. I DID NOT have the belgean waffles or pancakes, and passed up the cannolis and cheesecake. I think eating on the run is something that just goes with our busy lives. Eating on the run is not necessarily a bad thing if you are eating healthy on the run---like a protein bar stashed in the glove box or something. I, personally, feel like I need to get some counselling on breaking old habits. I find the old habits surface right before 'my friend' comes to call. It is hard sometimes and I can really relate to what you wrote... take care....Joan

Thanks, Joanie...

Hi Reenie, I'm right there with Joan, I still taste most everything, but certainly can't and don't eat the quantities that I did before WLS. I always try to have something 'healthy' stashed in the car for when I get caught without something to eat and have the need. I have a stressful weekend coming up with the family wedding event in CT that I have mentioned previously that is going to be very tough for me because I know that I can't 'eat' to avoid the stress. Well, yes I can, but then I am going to be sick, sooooooooooo .. hey now there's an idea, I can be sick and have to stay in the hotel room maybe??? Naw I have a dress that I love and I am gonna be out there to show it off. Hang in there, you've got the tools, just don't try to over-analyze things and get lost in the forest. Hugs, Mo

Thanks, Mo! Hey, I'm right around the corner...send me an S.O.S. and I'll come and rescue you! Reenie

I think we will all go through these Flashbacks. It is what we do with them after they pass that matters the most. If we can recognize what we have done and why and move forward, then we have won the battle. Next time, it will be different. Just make them learning experiences, question why and move on. And like what was said earlier. Bites and portions are much much smaller than prior to surgery. Sometimes I think it is best to eat one or 2 bites and get it out of your system than sit there and dream about it and then "give in" and eat too much.

Thanks, Martha, I can always count on you to remind me how to get back to that place of reason where I need to linger...Reenie

Well this may be a long post but I'll do it because I really like you, Reen. I've got lots of bad habits but I'll pick one of my easier ones to identify and tell you what's been happening with me. Obviously I had my surgery in March '04. In October '04, I started a new job. I decided to treat it as a completely new start and pretend that I was, and always had been, normal. I have told none of my co-workers about surgery, they just think I'm an Atkins freak. So with this new job, I decided it was a great opportunity to drop some of my past behaviors. I decided I would NEVER use the vending machine here at work. Well, since I made this vow to myself, it made it really easy to notice when the 'urge' to get up and go buy something to ea****ing me. And I took the time to recognize the urge and think about what was driving me, subconsciously, to go to the vending machine - what was wrong? I figured out that I get the urge the strongest when I have something important and big to work on - when I feel overwhelmed, don't know where to start, I want to procrastinate and eat, and eating is just another form of procrastination and also a diversion from what I know I should be doing, when what I should be doing is making me uncomfortable. Taking it now to a deeper level, I recognize that: a) I make it overwhelming - because I am a perfectionist b) I make it overwhelming because I don't like to betray vulnerability by admitting that I don't know everything and/or can't do everything all by myself - Jen forbid I ever ask for HELP with anything, and c) I make it overwhelming by subconsciously but intentionally procrastinating, so as to overload myself, and give me a perfect set-up to go eat. Because see I have this mental disease called OBESITY and it finds lots of ways to 'help' me get in over my head, get stressed out, worn out, tired, despondent, depressed, and generally desperate so that I will go eat more. To combat this, at least at work, I've tried a couple of different things: -breaking a project into pieces and scheduling time on my calendar for each piece -- and scheduling 150% of the time that I *think* the task requires, because I know that with my SuperWoman mentality I tend to overestimate my ability and underestimate how much time a job will take. -going to the gym. I know that I build up this emotional response to the stress, and it releases bad chemicals into my bloodstream, that in turn make me more 'amped up'. I go to the gym intentionally, either the night before or the morning before a big stressful presentation, because that drains those bad chemicals and my body can relax my mind. -working on my false sense of control. I have recently recognized how my lifelong attempts to control things - which came from a perfectly understandable source, I was the oldest 'hero' child in a drug addict/dysfunctional family and I had to be the one to 'hold it together' - how this admirable intention has completely and thoroughly warped the way I see the world and myself. Me trying to control everything does not and has not changed a single outside person or cir****tance, but it sure as #$%# has ruined my health and stinted my life. I recently have started telling my friends and co-workers that I don't know everything. Their reactions have been comical and interesting but so far, now that my secret is out, I haven't lost a friend or my job and MAN DO I FEEL BETTER. I have reached this new glimmering of peace through heavy participation in my support group, reading a lot of books on anger and forgiveness, and recently starting to attend Al-Anon. It has been a lot of work and painful but for the first time I really feel like I will be able to just be at peace with things. I see that the Wizard behind the curtain, bringing the chaos and @#$% into my life, has been me, all along. And now that I see that I can start to change how I am arranging my life, and more importantly, how I choose to react to the things that come in from outside sources. Getting angry, upset, distraught -- none of those emotions will change a situation or a person in my life, but it will absolutely make me sick - including if I eat so as to not have to pay attention or feel these emotions. So I am learning how to change my reactions and I think it's really helping. Maureen, as I said, I really like you. It took me a long time to get to this tip of my internal iceberg but I think it is the answer for me. Food isn't. Shopping isn't. Thank God I never got sucked in with drugs or alcohol but there are plenty of other things I could use to get over the hump when all @#$% breaks loose. I think the longterm key to wellness, regardless of how many pounds more I lose or don't lose or even gain back, is for me to take more responsiblity for the #$%@# I bring in to my life, and work on changing my response to the things outside of me - because I can't control them, fix them, or alter them, and the attempt has been killing me for years. God, grant me the serenity. Serenity, calm, peaceful awareness - that is what I am praying for these days. I know that my weight will stabilize as I continue to heal my soul and spirit. I've often remarked that I would NEVER treat my child the way that I treat myself. If I had a child, I know I would cook nutritious meals for it. I wouldn't let it go six hours without eating something proper. I wouldn't let my child work twelve hours a day. I would make sure that my child got proper rest at night, and time during the day to play as well as work/learn. I would limit my child from over-obligating itself. Money, my time - there would be no obstacle I would allow to interfere with my child's needs. So when I get to the point that I am okay with treating my SELF this way -- wow, what a great day that will be. Good luck babe, I hope my story helps you. Jen

Just one word .... WOW .. Thanks for sharing that Jen Hugs, Mo

Let me add my "Wow", Jen! Thank you for sharing your insight. Obviously you speak for many of us! Have you considered writing a book?? (Yes, I am serious!) Joy