Anniversary check in - feel like a failure...sighs

Its been forever since I've been here. I think I've been avoiding the successes posted to the boards as much as I have avoided my one year anniversary (3/8) check up with the doctor. I can honestly say I feel like a failure at WLS but I'm definitely not looking for pity or even empathy since I believe that I am at the root of my own problem. As of last October I had lost 110 pounds from my starting weight of 392. Today I still weigh 282 and I haven't gained or dropped weight since that time. Why do I think this has happened? I graze...I have absolutely no aversions to foods other than really rich stuff (can't do ice creams, real chocolate or rich desserts). I stopped exercising about Thanksgiving time and haven't gotten back into it. I have been, in my opinion, depressed for about the same amount of time. But I have made a renewed commitment to this journey. I know my pouch is working - I can only eat limited quantity. This is a tool right? Its time I take the bull by the horns and use the damn thing that I fought so hard to get. As of this morning I am back to following a high protein, low carb, low fat diet. I am back to taking my vitamins religiously. I am back to drinking my water. And come hell or high water I AM going to begin exercising again. All I ask for is support. I feel like I'm starting the journey all over again. I made my one year follow up appointment this morning and as much as I dread facing my surgeon who I'm sure will be disappointed with my progress, I am going in there with my head held high. I have also made an appointment with a therapist to figure out exactly what my issues are. I should have done this a year ago -- but now is better than never. How many of you all obsess about food still? I hate it. I obsess...completely. There are times when my mind is telling me "no no no" and yet it seems like I have absolutely no control over what I physically do -- I reach out and eat something I KNOW I shouldn't. It is so bizarre and I'm sure this was an issue before, I just never acknowledged it. It is almost like an out of body experience. I'm soooo praying this is something a therapist can help me with! Any advice...any hints...any one else who feels like they have failed? I take full responsibility for what I do and have done...which is so darn hard for me because in every other area of my life I succeed at whatever attempt. Why is my weight so darn difficult to control??? Lissa 392/282/150

Lissa, You are SO not alone in this. Today is my anniversary of my surgery. I've lost around 75 lbs. Now, I'm not feeling sorry for myself - my doctor did tell me that I'd lose about 50 - 75% of my excess weight the first year, and I have. I would have the surgery all over again without a second thought. I, too have demons. I know I should get up each morning and eat something. But I don't. I grab a coffee, have a cigarette (no lectures, please) and go about my day running after a 2 yr old and a 9 yr old. I finally eat (by force) around 4:00 when it hits me that I haven't eaten all day. I'm hungry, but am almost afraid to eat for fear of gaining weight back. I unfortunately get all my calories in between 4:00 and 9:00 at night. Now, I know this isn't right, but yet I keep doing the same darn thing every freakin' day. Why? Am I out to sabotage myself? Maybe I need therapy, but I cannot afford it right now. I haven't seen my surgeon since my one month check up because I know he will be disappointed that I haven't lost more weight. So - I just avoid him and hope that everything has healed OK. I take full responsibility for my actions, yet at times I feel like I no longer eat for enjoyment, but I still eat for comfort. Does that even make sense? Just know that you are not alone, Lissa. You can feel free to email me directly if you ever want to vent. I don't frequent the boards as much as I used to because I was also getting down on myself on my slow weight loss. I still come here hoping for stories to motivate me and comfort me. Just knowing that I'm not alone in this helps tremendously. I hope you know we're here for you, too!! Take care! -Wendy

Hi Wendy - Thanks so much for responding! I know I'm not alone as far as support goes, I guess I just thought of all people who would fail at this that it wouldn't be me! Don't know why I thought that since I've never been able to control the eating before. I am dreading my check in next week with my surgeon but I'm making myself go. Primary reason is that I just can't ignore my health and I have to get the associated lab work done. The good news is that I did fantastic today. I have tracked everything that has passed my lips from my coffee to the excessive water I've forced myself to drink (uggghhh). I'm focusing on protein first and when I was really hungry I ate cucumber slices with low cal italian dressing. I know if I make it through the next few days of really strict monitoring of carbs I'll do soooo well. Wendy - I can relate to the kids issues. I also have a 2 yr old and an 8 yr old. I do keep stuff around that makes my life harder because the kids do eat snacky stuff. But I have found that I am better about peeling and slicing an apple for them instead of grabbing them a popsicle or something. I'll keep your email address just in case I need to vent !! Thanks sooo much! Lissa

Ladies! WLS is a tool to lose weight with, not a tool to use to beat yourselves up with! Lissa and Wendy, you both sound like you know basically your next steps. Wendy, maybe a no cost support group can help? Lissa, hang in there. Count the 100+ pounds and go from now, TODAY! After all this is the first day of the rest of your life, right? Better to pick the tool up again now than to never pick it up again! Wendy, I do just about the same thing. I grab a cup of tea- strangely I quit drink coffee for the most part- grab a smoke and take time for me. I don't have the kids to chase after but I do have the hubby who is sometimes like a 2 year old! I cook him breakfast most days, unless like today he actually asks me not to. He says "There you are cooking for me and you don't eat. Don't get me wrong, the food is great but I'm starting to eat because it's there, not because I'm hungry." I have this thing now, "I CAN'T EAT SO I COOK FOR YOU!" I cook and love doing it. I feed everyone real well. Then I sit over on the couch while everyone eats. I jump up if it looks like someone needs something, acting like some dern waitress! My father in law keeps trying to get me to eat, my mother in law keeps bringing sweets by the big boxful, my sister in law keeps asking for dieting advice, and hubby wonders when I'm going to need to eat again. It seems like I need to eat about every three hours! It's hard to leave the house without planning ahead... take this incase I need to eat. I eat now because I'm hungry, not really because I want to. I miss my love affair with food! I'm down 130 or so. I usually drop three to five pounds a month but not this month. I've gained three. I'm up from an all time low of 189 since surgery to 193-194. I keep thinking that I'll get on the exercise horse and go for a ride but well sitting on the couch is soooo much easier. I know I'm sniveling here and you two have so much more of a right. Just know that there are people who care. We're just a mouse click away! L&H Gayle

LOL Gayle -- Ohhhhh can I relate to the "feeding others". I fix whole meals now where before I would say cook chicken and throw on a salad. My kids get hot breakfasts instead of cereal more often than not. I know better than to beat myself up but your reminding words are helpful and I thank you for them. I have decided to just "do it" again and am pushing ahead instead of looking back. I know that I can and will succeed -- I just have to have the right dedication! Thanks again for your support. Lissa

Lissa, First off, stop beating yourself up about it and start over fresh like you just got out of surgery. Begin again and try to retrain your head again. Start with liquids and get back into regular foods. Take ALL bad foods out of your home. And always go into a store with a full stomach, even if it is full of water. You are less likely to binge-buy, as I call it. You have lost 100+, and that is something to be comended about! That is a major accomplishment, and you should relish that fact. You are healthier than you were a year ago, and that is always a good thing, no matter where you are now! Now you know you can be healthier next year! I personally like walking. If I could not walk outside, I did these Walking off The Pounds videos. I liked them, and they start with a 1 mile, then 2 mile, and 3 mile. You can do it at home, and at your level. They are relatively cheap, and worth the money! Look at the positive side, you have caught yourself before you negated all the work you have done, it is just time to step it up some, and YOU CAN DO IT! Sometimes, we ALL need a kick in the pants to do something we already know we should be doing...I got mine right after Christmas. I know you can start your healthy life back up again...email me privatly if you wish...I am always here to lend a hand, listen, or help!! Cathy 281/164/160 EDD-Nov 9, '05

Hi Cathy, I hope this note finds you well and healthy. The March 2004 board needs your help! Please visit the board and click on the post, "AND THE SURVEY SAYS" - we will all benefit from your response. Thanks so much. Maureen