Another Day in Dating Paradise

I meet this guy named Mike who is quite a guy. Rides a Harley, college professor, scuba instructor, graphic artist, professional photographer, kinda cute, kinda funny. He's shorter than I'm usually attracted to at about 5"8" and a portly guy at 250 (he told me), but that's OK by me. So we start the date at a place called Java Central. I have an iced decaf latte with skim milk and sugar free syrup. Mike orders a large fruit smoothee. We go on to an art festival on his bike and Mike explains the different art mediums to me. At about lunchtime I'm not hungry, but Mike gets a big bag of kettle corn and eats almost all of it. I also had some so I'm not innocent here. So what's wrong with this picture? I tell Mike that I can't eat much of the popcorn and tell him that I've had wls. Guess what? So has Mike. He used to weigh 350, he got down to 200, but now hovers between 250 and 275. He tells me that he can't control his carb cravings, but eats very little. Arrrrgggghhh! I've already dated two guys who had issues with their weight and consequently issues with me getting thinner. I feel like a recovering alcoholic trying to date someone who is a heavy drinker. It's just not going to work. I already agreed to go to the movies with Mike on Wednesday and I'm having serious second thoughts. I have no issues with going out with friends who eat everything in sight, it doesn't bother me. Why does Mike's eating bother me so much? Is it because it's proof that you can fail at this wls business? I've known other people who have gained back lots of weight after wls. Why does this bother me so much? Connie

maybe-and this could be a long shot-the red flags are going up about commitment and carelessness--if he is so careless about his eating and keeping that hard to lose weight off---how would he be about other commitments in life? and how long would it be before connie would see herself falling into easy (careless) ways about eating???monkey see monkey dooocuz it's "easy"...... sorry-it's way early for being sooooooooooooo serious but that's my first take on this---- connie; i know how darned hard it was for approval for you and i know that you value what you have had to do to get to the place that you are now- he may be a great guy otherwise but he is not right for a lifetime for you......jmho.

Hi Connie, We have a very good male friend who started about 565 or so before WLS. He lost about 250 pounds, so he was still a big guy but a 'shadow' of his former self. He's gained back about 50 pounds as well. He never 'dieted' with his WLS. He lost the weight that you can't help but lose, but other than not being able to consume much he makes some really poor choices. It breaks my heart to see him and it scares me too, that I will fall into the same trap. I am sorry you've found such a great guy, and might have to throw him back. Hugs, Mo

Fear, my dear. And I say FACE YOUR FEAR AND DATE HIM ANYWAY. He sounds like a nice guy; but proof yet again that this is not about THE SURGERY, it's about whether or not we have successfully so significantly altered our lifestyles and our relationships with food that we stand a CHANCE at maintaining our weight loss for years to come. If we are in this for the long haul, it's about the head, not about the body...not anymore. Fear is the greatest life crippler of all. Go for it if it feels right -- but if it doesn't feel right I think it may not simply be because of WLS. You're one smart cookie, you'll make the right decision for you. Have a great day, sweetie. Reenie

I think the problem is preparation for the surgery...I think some people are just not prepared to change the way they do things, especially people who have not attended a comprehensive program. We, fortunately, have been prepared and ready to make the life changes necessary for the surgery to work. I can understand your feelings about Mike. Some things are easier to overlook than others. Another thing....he put himself under the knife to lose this weight, and now he's sloppy about it. What else in life might he have disregarded? What else has he made a committment to and not followed through with? Just food for thought...no pun intended. Take care and be well...............Joan

Connie, I feel for you here. All that crap about not being able to love somebody if you don't love yourself -- there is a grain of truth in it, Connie. And also that line about if you don't have your health, you don't have anything - there's truth in that too. This guy Mike - I'd say, go ahead and be friends, and enjoy his company. But taking care of your own health is a minimum requirement for a partnership, and so he is not eligible right now. For a good relationship, people have to be equal - you both need to be health conscious, you need to have similar values, you need to want eachother somewhat equally. His lack of commitment to himself is the biggest red flag there is. No judgement, just fact. I was a great person when I was heavy and not taking care of myself -- but looking back, if I was a great guy, I wouldn't have gotten involved with me, because where was the love for myself? My boyfriend is a great guy and I know he loves me and would do anything I wanted him to do FOR ME - but he does nothing at all for himself. No excercise, lots of stress, poor and overabundant diet, bad knees... I think to myself, in fifteen years, do I want to have to take care of this guy? He's going to be dead weight, and I want to have kids. As far as my and my boyfriend, I'm already in the relationship. I'm not going to try to change him, it's not possible to change another person. I'm biding my time in the hopes that he'll come around. But there is no way I'm going to marry him if he doesn't have enough self respect to take care of himself. I got into my relationship before I got healthy. For you, please don't accept the limitation, don't settle. If his approach to his health made you nervous on the first date - go with your gut. He needs to get right with himself before he can be considered for a relationship. Good luck, Jen

hmm... sounds like eating that kettle corn freaked you out a bit because him being carb weak... caused you to be a little carb weak? Thats enough to scare anyone!!! If he is a great guy though... I would say give it another go... but if you were that freaked out then maybe not. Maybe its just too soon for you to have to deal with others "wls faults" (I dont want to say failure because he lost alot of weight), because we arent that set in our ways yet with dealing in certain issues such as snacking and carb control. Could you help each other and support each other or is he too far gone to change? That would be my next question. Hmm... wow thats a tough call there. Try not to worry about it too much. You are a strong confident woman! Dont let anyone elses faults hinder your success! You are your own person! and are doing awesome! Elizabeth M

Maybe he needs a little encouragement to get back on track. Rather than thinking he will steer you off track, maybe you can help him. My suggestion is give it time and see how it works out. Maybe he got lax and just needs someone who knows about wls and cares to help him be accountable. He seems like he would be fun to be around. Think about what you are lookihg for and do not settle for less.

If you don't mind a little input from the "other side of the fence", several things come to mind: 1) He may lead you astray (worst case scenario, but I think that you're too damn tough for that!) 2) His problems may help keep you on the straight and narrow. (not as bad a scenario, but still not so good) 3) Nothing changes for either of you and you either drift apart or work something out ( pretty good scenario, but not ideal) 4) You may inspire him to get his **** together and start doing the right thing (best case scenario and one that the romantic in me likes to think will happen) You strike me as being someone worth some serious effort to keep happy. Let's face it, any female of the species who is comfortable enough with herself to hold forth at length about "ass hair folicles" can't be allowed to get away!!! LOL I must admit that I am not totally unbiased in this.....How can I not root for a "ROUNDBOY" named Mike??!!! If you like the guy with this one exception, why not give that bottle another spin or two and see what happens??!! Lots of luck whatever you decide!! Mike

Hey Connie - have a good time tonight and best of luck. You can also decide not to make a decision today. -Jen