Divorce rate...

I've been reading, with great sadness, some of the problems people are having with their marriages since surgery. My girlfriend is on a bowling league and one of her fellow bowlers writes for a medical journal, specifically about weight loss surgery. Apparantly, they did a survey and the divorce rate after surgery is very high. This is probably something that should be addressed in all the testing and preparation pre surgery...perhaps part of the psychological profile. I thought you guys might find this interesting....

I too have heard this. I have heard that it's because the non surgical spouse feels threatened... S/he is going to find someone new now. Or that the surgical spouse DOES find someone new. It's also that the non surgical spouse is stuck in the old patterns of the 'new' relationship, as is the case with my surgical brother and his non surgical wife. He feels soooo much better and wants to go for walks and just generally DO and she doesn't. The way I figure it is that there's already so much threatening my relationship with my husband (every day type stuff) that I need to be sort of hyper vigilant about the after effects of the surgery. I need to be on the watch and at the same time not freak out. Not an easy line to walk. However, as of the time I'm writing things between us seem to be better than ever. He met me when I was 180 and married me when I was 320. He knew what he was getting into. I knew what I was getting into. He was the one always wanting to go for walks and DO, while I was the one who wanted to stay planted where I was. He loved me then but ENJOYS me more now. I do go walking, sometimes when I don't really want to but still manage to benefit from it. Even if the only benefit is just walking with him and holding his hand. I still benefit. I try to keep things new and fresh but it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes things get old. Old isn't bad, it's comfortable. I like comfort. I think I'm rambling. Just suffice it to say that marriages all require work and vigilence, I think ours (post surgery) just require a little more. We need to make sure (as sure as possible) that both partners are comfortable. My husband and I talk more than before. Or maybe it's just that I'm listening more, either way I think that this surgery has made us stronger. I know I'm stronger for it at any rate. It also doesn't have to be SOMEONE new, it can be SOMETHING new too. A new job, or hobby. The spouse can often feel left out. The surgical spouse has so many new and wonderous things happing while the non surgical spouse may feel 'old hat'. Just my 2 Cents... L&H Gayle

I have never been so sad or felt so utterly alone in my marriage as I do right now...Reenie

i haven't either.

In my phys eval the question did come up, and I was as honest as I possibly could be, I said that if I had to leave then I would, but it wouldn't be easy, and that's honestly how I look at it... Now let me just clarify a few things by saying I've been married for almost 8 years and we do not have any children, and I love my DH with all my heart, but if it comes down to me not being happy or him not being happy I will leave... luckily when either of us have been uncomfortable we've been able to talk it out (rather scream it out) but we get our feelings out there... It is a very sad but true fact that when some people change on the outside, their spouse can't handle it and the result can be divorce, but sometimes that's just necessary... just my opinion... Lori

Sad, but true. I think I'm headed down the divorce path as well. I've been married for 11 years, together for 18 - I want to really LIVE my life and DH wants to watch it pass by. I have so much more confidence than I've ever had before and I'm grabbing life by the b*lls and having fun. DH doesn't understand - heck, I don't quite get it either, but that's how things are turning out. I wish I could get DH to communicate, but he's one to keep things in FOREVER, so I'm dealing with this single-handedly. God bless us all as we go through our new life!! -W-

Ladies, I feel for you and wish that something as wonderful as this surgery didn't have such uncomfortable 'side effects'. My hubby keeps things in and won't talk, I could use dynomite and he won't budge. At least not until he's ready and then look out 'cause here it comes! He's a quite one and rarely yells but when he cuts loose he says it all! I think I said earlier that we talk more, I'm not sure if I did. Anyway, either we talk more or I'm just listening more, which ever it's happening for us, for now..... L&H and Bee happy! Gayle

This is something that I brought up before having surgery. I was really worried about it since my mom had this surgery 14 years ago and claims that it did all kinds of things to her. She and her husband who she had been quite happy with ended up splitting up. She started doing things she never had though...like drinking. She's an alcohlic now. Anyway...the basic answer I got from this board was that if I had a good marriage at the time I had surgery, most likely it would just get better. My husband is in Iraq now and I email him at least twice a day. I love him just as much as ever and have no desire to be with anyone else. Neither of us is perfect, but neither is anyone else either. I love him and he loves me and we communicate when there's a problem...at least I do. I try to get him to tell me when he doesn't like something I do. Its not good to hold it in. I really do feel that if you have a strong marriage to begin with, than everything will be ok. Of course, the thing about the spouse being jealous could all of a sudden show up. My husband has seen me from 134 to 280 and stuck with me through all of it, so I think that may make a difference. He's also very active and fit being a Marine. Dena 280/165/150

After 11yrs (14) together, and a weight loss of 200lbs my marriage is over. All I can think is was the weight loss worth the loss of my best friend?

How in the world can becoming healthy be a negative thing? If someone says, "I liked you better when you were fat?" -- that person doesn't know what love is. If someone loves you, they wouldn't prefer you to be debilitated, depressed, sick, and in danger of an early death. Getting healthy is ALWAYS a positive thing. I am not married but I recognize that the problems that are "surfacing" during my recovery were always there - it's just that I used to deal with them by repressing them or distracting myself with food, and now I have to deal with them. A lot of the problems are MY PROBLEMS - problems with how I saw and still see the world, since I grew up persecuted for being overweight, teased and attacked, problems with how I deal with conflict from growing up in an abusive house. As far as relationships go... listen, I wasn't a healthy person going into it (mentally, emotionally).. I was proud of my academic and professional accomplishments but when it came to the physical, I felt substandard.. I was ready to compromise on things so that I would have someone. Now that deal isn't equitable anymore.. I'm worth more. So I need to renegotiate. And some of the things I want now, maybe my current partner can't give me. We were fat together. Now I'm motivated about getting healthy, and he is still fat and miserable. You can't help someone with that - the decision to change has to come from inside. We can only help ourselves, no matter how hard we try to help others, each individual has to make a choice about what they want for themselves. Alcoholic couples break up all the time after one goes dry, because without the booze to medicate and lubricate, it often becomes apparent that you didn't have that mu*****ommon after all - and a lot of what you used to have in common wasn't healthy- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and all the other -uallies. How many couples divorce after the alcoholic spouse dries up? A lot - but no one says they should have kept drinking so that they could stay in their marriage. Our society recognizes that alcoholism will kill you, and that it destroys relationships, and that it hurts friends and family members. Well, obesity is the same. It will kill you. It has affected your relationships, it hurts your friends and family -- although it is not always quite as obvious. Obesity is an illness - not just physical but mental as well. It's an addiction - which is why, I think, you hear about post-ops replacing eating with drinking, shopping, other activities done to excess. We need help to get through this - we need honest communication and support. It's not a partner's "fault" if they aren't able to give it right when we need it -- but it's also not our "fault" if we leave to get it. Each person has to take care of themselves first, or they're no good to anybody, and anybody who wants you to put yourself last doesn't get it.