OT: Prayer and Advice needed! (long)

Some months ago I posted that My husband and I were having some problems and that it would probably end in divorce. It got better for a while then shot from bad to worse faster than I could keep up with. We seem to have a totally different view on our finances. This is something that we could have worked out I am sure but now he lies to me about money. When I question it...I am told that if I would get in my place and let him take care of his place everything would be okay. I am always hearing here lately about how he is the one that gets up and goes to work and I am just keeping house and working a couple of hours a couple of days a week at a local resturant. There is a lot of pent up angry due to me having this surgery. I wonder if it would have been better for us if I had never had this surgery. We never disagreed on much of anything prior to me researching and having this surgery. I am in debt up to my eyebrows. He has said that we will split our income tax return down the middle. I am thinking that is what I will find a place with. I have not worked in four years and I am starting to get back into the work force now. I am having a hard time of it though. I have a degree in accounting but again not having worked in four years I am finding that the accounting world has changed alot. I have applied at a temp agency and it looks hopeful. I am getting together some references for them. This is easier typed than done...when you haven't worked it is hard to find professional references. I really thought that my marriage was one of solid foundation. Even though I have only been married for three years being together for four I knew that it would never end. I am sure that there is someway to save my marriage. I just have not found anything short of just giving in. I want to stand my ground, however, is it worth it if I end up alone? I am at a loss here, I know that it will be better for me once I get back into the work force and get some things paid off and paid back. I know this will make me feel better about myself. I just don't want to loss him. I love him more than life itself! Is it really worth it to make a stand if I stand to loss everything? I am in need of your prayers and welcome any advice. Thxs! Shannon The Irish Lassie formerly A Firefighter's Flame

Shannon - It's hard to know who is right and who is wrong from an outsider's perspective, but I will try to see if I can ask some questions that might help you with a little perspective. You say you love your husband more than life itself. If that is true, then is money something you think is important enough to stand in your way? I know it sounds simplistic, but compare it to a horrible tragedy and losing him to something akin to the Tsunami.....would you the give anything to have this battle you are going through now? Would it help give perspective? It sounds like he is spending too much money from the tone of your post. I wonder if you think maybe this might be in part due to him feeling a bit overwhelmed with the new you - a bit fearful he might lose you to someone else? Sometimes those anxieties can bring out compulsive behavior in people. It's not anyone's fault - it just is. It's something that needs to be dealt with if that is the case, and counseling is a really good first step. Speaking from the perspective of someone who has ADHD and has a husband who is a stay at home dad, what your husband said about how it would be easier if you each had your own place, I am finding myself with a weird understanding of that. I would never leave and find my own apartment, but part of me feels so feeble because my husband takes care of it all. I feel like sometimes I will go mad because I have no clue what is what. If he died tomorrow, I would be lost. I wouldn't know where to find anything. I wouldn't know what kind of schedule he was on for certain things. I do sometimes feel like I need clarity because I don't know what we owe, how we are doing financially or what my boundaries are. This isn't to put it on my husband, but because I have a bad memory, he stepped up and took over for me. In the process, what I did have a handle on is now gone and I feel anxiety that if he was gone, I wouldn't remember to do something vital and everything would fall apart. Now I realize that my anxieties are not necessarily the same as your husband's, but maybe it will trigger something that you can recognize in your own relationship. If he's feeling confused or lost or anxious it can manifest itself in many different ways. A good counselor can really work wonders with helping to nail down the core issues there. I can't say whether I think you should concede for the sake of your marriage. My gut reaction is to say YES, but I don't know the severity of it either. I guess I would say that maybe I would try to bargain a bit. Maybe give in on this point in exchange for some counseling. Good luck to you - I do hope you two are able to find a happy medium. I don't think this kind of situation is uncommon to those who have had wls. There are so many changes I think it probably happens that these glitches pop up as a sign of some sort of anxiety or nervousness over the changes happening. Please keep us posted on what happens... Dina

Hi Shannon, I agree that it is hard to tell from the outside. To me your post sounds like you want your independence and want the acknowlegement from your husband that you do in fact contribute. You dont sound like you want to really leave him. Finances do lead to alot of divorce in todays society. I think it goes thorough all of our minds at one point or another. If it were me... maybe try not to jump the gun at this point. Try getting out there and getting settled in with a new position. Pay off some bills... When you get into debt its soooo hard to really see things clearly. We panic and things dont appear as they really are. Money just gets in the way sometimes. Think to yourself. If money werent an issue would you consider leaving him? If so then there is more to it. Try to go to a counselor or just try to pay off some of those debts. I have them myself and find that I also argue with my husband about things. We are always back and forth about who is doing what with which bills. I handle the bills in my house and it gets to be really difficult when I see my husband buying things and I dont buy for myself. Like more of my money goes to bills than his. It definitely goes back and forth. Its all a matter of saying... am I going to let money destroy my marriage. I think it gets to a point where you have to really take a breather and just sometimes give in. I have done so in the past and when the bills start to dissapear I think... I can actually put things into perspective now! We all know money causes sooo much stress and we get to that point where we work sooo much that we feel as though all we do is work and pay bills with no money to keep for ourselves. Your husband sounds like he feels that way. My husband also gets like that. I just let him buy for himself at times. When it gets bad thats when we get into our fights. He comes to his senses and I come to mine. Sometimes though...it takes awhile. I cant really tell you... maybe you should do this or maybe you should do that ... as I dont want to give you the wrong advice. .. but I would say try talking to a counselor. They really can help us see things more clearly. Hang in there sweetie!! I hope everything works out for you and you land an awesome job! God Bless! Elizabeth M

Hi Shannon. I'm sorry you're hurting and I will think good thoughts for both you and your husband to find your way through the pain of your situation. The strongest advice I can give you is to seek professional counseling together. You need to sort through your issues with a person who is completely unbiased and who can bring the necessary perspective to your cir****tances so that you both can ultimately make the best decisions for both of you. While the issue of money and finances shouldn't be the reason a couple splits, it shouldn't be the reason they stay together either. I am reading through the lines in your post that you are fearful that you don't possess the necessary skills to compete in the workforce anymore so you are afraid to leave your husband who actually represents financial security as the breadwinner in your marriage. This should not be the reason you stay with him. You also need to deal with all the enormous changes in your life. Go see someone, before either of you make the final decision about what to do. If you have to separate for a while to get to that place, do so -- do you have family or friends that could put you up short term while you sort things out? Finally, before I went back to work in May, I had not worked in over 3 years. I couldn't, I was physically and emotionally defeated. I hated what I had done to myself so I had nothing to contribute to a job, my family, to the world -- to myself. I was stunned to learn that I not only possessed valuable skills and talents enough to land a great job, I DO have much to contribute to society. So do you, Shannon. You just have to close your eyes and jump. That's what I did. If you want to go back to work, close your eyes and jump. The temp agency is a great place to start and you may find a terrific permanent job through that venue. You have all my best wishes and keep us posted. Take care, Maureen

Shannon, I don't think I can really add anything to what has already been said except to say that I feel for you! I wish you only the best and with all my heart. Actually there is one thing I can add. What you get may not always be what you wish for or want but somehow it's always what you needed. At least that's how it works for me. I know that I would surely freak out if something came between my husband and I, I so totally love him. He doesn't get why and sometimes neither do I but it's a fact. Love can do strange things sometimes and we just get to be along for the ride. I agree, try the counseling. It can't hurt and it can go a looong way to helping you both get some clarity. I also agree that you both need to tread lightly here, this is your marriage and we know that you don't want it to end, I'm taking a shot in the dark here but I'd say that it's because there's more than just time and money involved, your hearts, yours and his, are invested. Love is a hardy thing and with time and nurturing can weather most anything. I'm not going to say 'this to shall pass' because love doesn't work that way. With as much as you have invested it's worth it to tread lightly and work hard, he's worth it to you as I'm sure you are to him. Seperating may be an option, to give you both breathing room. The idea of family or friends can help with the financial end of things but how about seperate rooms? You could be together yet seperate and still available to each other to work on things. Just know that I hear you and I feel for you. Love and Hugs, Gayle

Shannon, This has been a year of great change. Not all of the changes were physical. You have a new body, a new self image, and new interactions with everyone. This great a change, puts totally new spins on our most intimate relationships. For some, the changes are all improvements. For most of us, however, there is great potential for misunderstanding and insecurity on both sides. There is hardly ever a "right" and "wrong" person--just two people who are insecure and frightened by change and have pulled away from each other as a defense mechanism. Money is one way of doing that. It is probably not the real problem, just a symptom. I strongly recommend Christian counselling. If he will go, it will help you both. If he will not go, it will still help you. Whether you stay together or not, you will benefit from an objective look at yourselves and your reactions. I have been married for 34 years. The last 2 years have been the most difficult, and we have learned a lot about ourselves in counseling. I think that we are past the worst of the struggle, and things are getting much better, but I am amazed at what I have learned about myself and about him. I'm so glad we have stuck with it. I'm praying for you... Joy

Dear Shannon, The advice you have received so far is wonderful. I am so impressed with everyones sincerety. As far as counceling, I know you may be looking at it as an added expense you can't afford but please know that there are cheap or free services through your church or your husbands work place. I am military and I know that if I needed it, I could see someone at little to no expense and I am sure that the Police force and Firefighters Association offer similar services. I say can you afford not to take this step in this throw away society we live in today? I don't know you personally but like any marraige, I am sure you have been through so much together. If you love each other even a little bit you should make the effort, you will thank yourself later down the road. I have been married 13 years, it is a struggle at times and I have asked whether it is worth it or not. We have endured 2 miscarraiges, financial struggles, job stress, parenting stress, this surgery and the hardest of all, we buried a child together but we had each other through it all. We became different through each experience but we never gave up- making through things like this and still liking the person you chose to share your life with does make it worth it. There is and will be so mch more good then bad- believe and then strive for it!