How to handle this?

I don't always post to this message board, but I definitely try to read and answer as many as I can. I am really trying my best to deal with my newest situation....it's my husband He is an over the road truck driver and only gets home over the weekend. He says he likes the new me and call me "his skinny cindy", but sometimes I think he says it almost like he's laughing at me. When I try to compare myself to others (like we all do now!) he says I am getting too skinny. Well based on my height and BMI, I won't be of normal weight until 143. I am at 172 or so right now and I keep saying I want to lose another 20 lbs. If I could get to 155 or so, that would be fantastic! He says (and his mother says) that I shouldn't lose anymore weight, but obviously they don't see the same thing I do! Any thoughts from anyone? I appreciate your input! Lap RNY 3/15/04 290/172/155?

Cindy! We are very similar in size I am guessing I started at 291, now 169 hoping for a goal of 145 and only that because it puts me in the middle of my weight for height range. My husband teases most of the time about how I look, so I never know if he is being a goof or bweing serious. I finally flat out told him. If you are going to compliment me I need it to be serious not a tease, otherwise it makes me feel bad instead of good. He is finally getting it! I think we are exceptionally critical of ourselves. I COMPLETELY understand wanting to be a normal weight. I never know what to say to those who say you are too skinny now? uhm...OH OK...thanks??? so I will be reading with interest! {{hugs}} Nic 291/169/145

Cindy, Officially...I'm under my surgeon's minimum goal weight by 6 pounds. I wear an 8 petite or an 11 juniors (would someone make sense of the size discrepancy for me??). Anyway...my brain doesn't see the size 8 girl...I still at least a size 16 girl. I see that I've lost weight and that I'm much smaller than I was...but I still can't see the "thin" woman that I am now. According to the numbers and my personal goal of a "normal" BMI -- I'm there. Now I have to maintain. My ego would like to reach the 100 pounds lost...but I know I have to stay where I'm at for now as I still have reconstructive surgery in my future. I'm beginning to think many of us need professional counseling for body image issues included in our post-op care. My 2 cents.... Happy thoughts, Va 5' 3.5" 232/134/13? -98 pounds

Va; i just have to hijack---you look fantastic!!!!!! i am jealous- you are 2.5 inches taller than me- and i think that would be nice- anyhow- i am no where near the -98 mark-my own fault!!! i have been trying to deal with some of the issues in my head - and i guess i am secretly afraid of success! however, today , i was thriftshopping on my day off and saw many beautiful blouses and sweaters and had a very hard time with the size discrepancy biz--as well as having trouble percieving myself that small- i still gravitate to the X and XX sizes - anyhow- my 2cents

My best friend of 19 years told me that I can "stop" now. I think a lot of times when people say I'm getting too skinny, what they really mean (consciously or not) is that I'm getting too skinny FOR THEM TO BE COMFORTABLE. Particularly in the case of a husband who has to leave you to your own devices for five days out of the week, perhaps he's threatened by your weight loss. Maybe the people who "loved me the way I was" are a little uncomfortable now that they aren't the only ones who _could_ love me. Just a thought - no way of knowing if it could be part of what's going on with your husband. With women I always just assume it's jealousy. On the other hand, though, it could be ignorance. What are the statistics now, that 30% of Americans are overweight? In that case, somebody with an "overweight" BMI probably DOES look "average" and therefore people think it IS a "normal" weight - even though it is not the healthiest weight. Maybe as a society we just don't know what "healthy" looks like... Good luck! Jen 266/157/145?

Cindy, Nic's advice is right on -- you have to look your husband in the eye and tell him frankly and honestly what you need from him. Is he taking your weight loss a little too lightly because perhaps he thinks you take it too lightly? Talk to him; tell him how differently you feel and how your life has completely changed. Explain to him the difference you feel in mobility, just being able to get around! And just plainly tell him what you need from him as your life partner. My relationship with my husband has really taken a nose dive with my weight loss -- we just don't know how to behave with each other anymore, our dynamic is totally out of synch. But I recognize that we had seriously problems pre-surgery as well; I'm just much more able to deal with them now, I have the energy and my mind isn't so cluttered with garbage thoughts about what a loser I am. We're working through it all but it's a struggle. Good luck to you. Maureen

I dont think any of us can really comprehend why they say things like ... "oh your getting too skinny" when we arent even at normal goal for our height and build. I think people are just so use to seeing us as so large that it looks odd to them maybe??? I just can't understand it... then the next conclusion I come to is that they cant handle us being normal or attractive? Maybe it makes them feel more insecure? Well, they just have to deal. You are looking awesome! You do what you need to do to feel healthy and beautiful! Hang in there! Our loved ones will just have to adjust! ((hugs)) Elizabeth M

Hi Cindy; Something that we all probably need to keep in mind is that we are not the only ones dealing with big changes. Our loved ones are dealing with issues of their own and the have the added disadvantage of being spectators and not in control of the situation. I sometimes think that this journey should include counseling for family. The changes that we are making must be a bit frightening and maybe even threatening to our loved ones who are used to the "old us"! With that said. I feel that if your husband has supported you thus far, I'm sure that he will continue to do so. You might want to explain your needs and goals to him and maybe even drag him along to a support group meeting. My wife went to several support group meetings with me early along and got a lot out of them. I notice that there are always a few people at these meetings who have a spouse or other friend or family member with them. Just a little food for thought. Take care and be well.... you look like you are doing a great job!! Mike

Cindy, I can totally relate with what you are saying. I posted a while back about people in my life that had the nerve to tell me when I needed to loss and now have taken on the role of telling me that it is time to stop. It is very hard to take sometimes as these are the people that we love. I have not came up with a kind response for when people offer up this "you have lost enough to blow away" statement. I know that my husband was not take supportive when I was going at it with the insurance company and didn't think that I should have this surgery. He was there with me at the hospital though. Maybe it is just me being a women but it hurts me when I have my date roll around and he doesn't notice. Each month to us is a milestone and I don't think that he recognizes this. However, he is all on board for the boob job and body lift...not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure how true the next statement is but I think that with us lossing mass amounts of weight like we have, we are losing a lot more fat than in previous diets. I say this because I have weighed 150lbs. before and I was a lot bigger than I am now. When I tell people how much I weight...which is something that I would have never done before...they tell me "you can't weight that much". Even though I am thinking I should weigh less than that by now. I don't think that we can expect people to understand where we are at and how we feel if they have not been where we are at. Sad but true. Take care and know that you are not alone and should post more often. Shannon The Irish Lassie 266/158/140