I am scared...

Ok this is something I never NEVER thought I would say but here it goes... I am afraid to get smaller! Right now I am in a size 10 jeans and size medium tops. WHICH thrills me! But... I still have 24 pounds to go to get to my goal and 32 to my doc's goal. I am TERRIFIED of being that thin! SO terrified that when I start to loose I eat crap to sabotage myself, I don't understand what is happening in my head. I know there are good doc's who deal with eating disorders but does this fall within the realm of an eating disorder? I asked my Hubby who said "you aren't anorexic or bullemic so you don't have an eating disorder! Just stop sabotaging yourself!" OH OK genius I hadn't THOUGHT OF THAT! ugh I am a tad bit grumpy with him today! poor guy! ok so what do you all think? Nic 291/169/145

Try to figure out exactly scares you about getting smaller... Are you afraid it is unhealthy? Are you afraid of the positive attention it might bring? Are you afraid of the negative attention (people saying you have lost too much)? Are you afraid that you will lose the person you have always been? Are you afraid that people will like you for the wrong reasons? Are you afraid that you won't be able to stop losing? Are you afraid that your obese friends will shun you? Is it something else, related to your past? All of these are real and normal fears, but they need to be identified and addressed. If you can figure out exactly what is causing your fear, you can work on educating yourself out of it. This is not really an eating disorder, but it is a food issue which could potentially turn into an eating disorder. If you can't figure out what is underneath the fear by yourself, you may need to talk it out with someone trained to help. I think we all are dealing with differing levels of similar fears. Some of these may have contributed to our obesity in the first place. Some have surfaced since surgery. Thanks for bringing this into the open. Joy

yes;thanks for bringing this up--i have wondered myself if i am afraid to succeed here- since i know that in past , each attempt or success was only temporary....and wondered if that was why i was not putting forth the true effort that i need to to lose the last 45#...or am i just weak and lazy? probly a little of both!my self discipline is not there- and i wonder if it is cuz the "newness" wore off? well- congrats on you getting so close to goal- i agree with joy that you need to identify what it is that is keeping you where you are and why you are scared... guess i need to do the same... how tall are you? i'm in 14's and 12's (elastic waists) and medium tops--now i'm jealous!!!!!! 232/165/120

sorry- do not know what happened to cause that gap!!!!!!!

Nic, Good post. I have self sabotaged in the past too, and now that I'm small(ish) I'm finding myself bringing back more of my bad habits. I'm sure the holidays are part of it but just in general, I've become more lax. The sight of my bones is wierd/gross to me... I can make out the outline of my upper ribs (above where my breasts SHOULD be :>) and that is just unreal. And I'm thinner than I have ever been, wearing smaller sizes than ever, and it's great and there's a strong temptation to just stop here and let it ride.. I don't have a goal from my doctor and I didn't set one for myself before surgery.. I always said I'd be happy if I could wear size 12 pants; now I'm in anything from a 6 to an 11 depending on the item. For me I just need to rededicate myself. I don't think I'm afraid to be small, I'm just not used to it and I've got the temptation to "relax" now that I've hit an alltime low. I have to get refocused and put my effort into doing the best I can do for myself. There is going to be regain in the future, it's pretty certain, so I need to do everything I can now, or I'll wind up being not this small in the end. Good luck to you. I hope you can determine the underriding cause of your anxiety. What were you using the fat to insulate yourself from? And I also hope that you're able to adjust to your new life, happy and healthy, mentally as well as physically. Part of our overall process is recovering from the mental/emotional trauma that either spurred or accelerated our weight gain in the first place. I used food to anesthesize (sp?) myself - I'm really trying to watch myself, when I feel like I need to "zone out" and start looking to eat something. Jen 266/159/145?140?

Your husband is correct. You don't have an eating disorder. You might have some psychological issues that may need to be addressed if you continue to feel that way. Also, I know for myself, I want to lose another 10 to 15 pounds. I'm 5'6 and a size 8 jeans, small tops. That would probably put me in a size 4 jeans. When I tell people this they FREAK OUT on me. People tell me I'm going to be too thin (or that I'm even too thin now!). I don't pay any attention to that. It's my body and I know where I'm going to feel the most comfortable. Continue to make the right food choices and your body will tell you when it's time to stop. Good luck, Nic, you're doing GREAT!!!---Joan

Thanks everyone! For your advice and replies. I am about 5'7" tall and weigh 169 right now. It blows my mind to fit into size 10- anything! I am going to start journaling again and see if that helps with figuring out what is happening in my head. I do know that part of it is trying to avoid male attention. I don't know if you remember but a few months ago I had the opportunity to well...cheat on my husband. And I KNOW that scared me to death because I was thinking about it, planning it and I never thought I would be that kind of person. So somewhere in my brain I figured if I didn't loose anymore weight, I wouldn't be attractive to other men and I wouldn't have that to worry about. Until this weekend, we went to my cousin's New Year's Day party and another cousins' husband HIT ON ME! (think major comments about my butt, how I filled out my shirt...ugh...not even remotely trying to be quiet about it...telling me to come visit him without my husband?? YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!!! I very nearly threw up because of the attention I got so nervous and ill. I RAN to the fudge and ate one piece before it hit me. SO, no more hiding behind food! Anyway do any of you journal? DO you find it helpful? Do you keep your journals for quite some time? THANKS AGAIN! nic 291/169/145

You said: I do know that part of it is trying to avoid male attention. I think you are on to something there. You are afraid that male attention will destroy your family. The truth is that you have the power to choose your reaction to the attention. You can be flattered without any threat or damage to your marriage. You can be disgusted and annoyed and actually appreciate your marriage more. You can sigh and say "in another lifetime, I might be tempted", and let it go at that. The point is that you are in a position where you are faithful BECAUSE you choose to be, not because you have no other choices. That makes your faithfulness mean something that it never could have meant before. It is obvious to me that you place a high value on your marriage relationship. Your new body does make life a bit more complicated, but also enables you to give your love to someone by choice instead of by default--a much more valuable gift. Next time you are the recipient of attention, try reminding yourself of this... Joy

{{joy}} you are a very smart cookie! thank you for your response I am printing it and adding it into my journal. I WILL reread it many times I am sure! Thanks again, Nic 291/169/145

ok i've typed this before & i'm sure Ill type this again...Each & everytime I log into people who have had the surgery the same month as me I read the same exact scrip from someone who is concerned with the same exact issue as me. This time its the shrinking me syndrome. Been 9 months now lost 103 pounds I too am wearing size 10's. LOVEING it but at the same time concerned, worried, curious if I was going to disapear. I'm eating healthy, excerszing (ok so many not as much as I should), I feel wonderful. Like I'm 10 years younger! I still see the old me when I look in the mirror but not as much as I use to. I'm still careful about what I eat but I am having more things than I did before. Not going crazy and eating bad things. Maybe its not thatI'm eatig more things as much as I'm eating what they say I should eat. Does that make sense? my portions are the size they should be. So the calories are on track, the protein is aOK its working. ITs just that this is so very diffrent than what I was/am. I was the fat freind/sister/daughter/mother/exwife/girlfriend who had low self esteem, no energy, ugly clothes, avoided anything that made me out of breathe. major couch potatoe. Now I'm that same person but I'm thin! Have pretty clothes! On the move! Lots of energy! I like me! I think it all takes some getting use to. The one dream that I always had the one wish that I always made on that falling star has come true. I bet ya those people who win millions in lotto know just how we feel. They are loving it but cant believe it. Yeah it just is going to take some getting use to. Good luck & god bless, pam