I WILL NOT DO IT!

Okay, there is a HUGE celebration cake in my building and there is also TONS of candy on just about every desk I pass by. Instead of living with the insanity that is the scrambled, jumbled mess in my brain right now, I am posting this as a COMMITMENT that I will REFRAIN from eating any of this crap today; I will not touch it. This is a difficult day for me - I am signing over ownership of my beloved horse, Hillie, she is being sold this evening to a really wonderful person. Hillie represents so much for me - she represents the loss of Jillian's youth who, for 6 years, took us to horse shows and taught us about discipline and stretching your self-imposed limits. Jillian is grown up and away at college, which is why we can no longer keep horses at home. Hillie also represents my true catalyst for losing this weight - I brought her home from the Netherlands. I saw her picture on the internet when she was 6 months old and I fell in love with her - at that time, I weighed 362 lbs. and I was THINKING about having the surgery. Dreams of owning my own horse and being small enough to actually get on without killing the thing, moved me toward the final decision of WLS. You know the rest. So I am very, very sad today. I am letting my beautiful Hillie go to a home where she will realize her full potential as a dressage horse; she will compete nationally and her new owner is good enough to qualify for the Olympics one day, if she goes that far with this. I want that candy and that cake so badly to soothe these horrible feelings of sadness and loss. Just had to share. Thank you for being there. Love, M.

(((( Reenie )))) I really don't have any words of comfort for you but I am sorry that you are having to let Hillie go. I know you understand the rational reasons and you have stated them very eloquently here, but it doesn't make it any easier. Hugs my friend. Hugs, Mo

Thanks, Mo. I'll take your hugs and then some, I'm feeling pretty low. M.

Reenie, Let me tell you how proud of you I am. What a wonderfully unselfish thing you are doing by giving another young person the opportunity to experience such a wonderful animal. What a generous gift you are sharing. Think about how happy you've made this young person. Hillie helped you achieve your deams of a normal sized body and now she'll help someone else live out their dreams. I know you'll be mourning the loss of Hillie, but grief is the price we pay for love and it's a small price to pay. Love ya huge, Connie

I've been crying none stop since 8pm last night. I just can't believe she's gone. And I got to work at 7am this morning because I didn't want my son to see me so upset. It's quiet, deserted, and I just downed about 1/2 pound of M&Ms.

Take a deep breath and start over. I consider myself a born again dieter. My past sins don't count if I ask forgiveness and take the Dieting Diety into my heart. I sometimes do this 10 times a day. Big hugs, Connie

At least I was true to my commitment yesterday - I didn't touch the damn cake and candy yesterday!

Reenie!!! I can imagine what Hillie represents to you. But your act is a very unselfish one, and you will be blessed for it. You will always have the memories of Hillie and that's whats most important. She may not live in your barn anymore, but she lives in your heart...a far more important place! As far as the sweets are concerned, I always felt that cold turkey was the best option. Our office manager always has a jar of hershey kisses in his office and my co workers go in and out all day nibbling. I know if I have one or two, I'll end up at the store buying a bag, so I won't have even one. I'm trying to be very good with my eating: 2 eggs and a lite english muffin for breakfast (no butter), protein bar for break, cottage cheese and yogurt for lunch, Power crunch at break, and a normal dinner. Still, I'm not losing, but at least I'm behaving. The only thing left is total starvation. Take care, be well, and of course we're here for you! Love, Joanie

Thanks, Joanie. I know, I'm right where you're at and it's maddening - I'm eating like a damn sparrow (except for giving in to the candy this a.m.) and I can't seem to lose a fraction of an ounce. It's so funny that you say the lonly thing left is total starvation - I had precisely that same thought yesterday. I guess I just need to go crawl in a hole today and throw myself one big solitary pitty-party - I'll be back. Love, M.

Deer Reenie Look to God and ask him for the help to get through this (another) setback. I agree with Joanie, look at all the good time you had with the Horse & the good time the new folks will have with her. This is much better than losing her to death. Try & come here & talk it out instead of eating the M & M's I no how much worse I feel after giving into that sugar & chocolate. Big Hugs to you & you WILL Survive one more time!! God Loves you & so do I!! Have a Great Day today!! Marilyn, the Bearlady