I'm reaching out to my peers, please help me!
I'm posting on this section because this group seems so supportive and helpful and has recent updates to the site. I never joined a support group until now, and I really feel like i need the help right now! I had my RNY 5/19/04 and went from 325 to 180. I had my surgery in Indianapolis, which is 4 hours away so I haven't been back up there except for my 6 month and 12 month follow up. I managed to lose down to 165 at one point when i got pneumonia, but went right back to 180 when I felt better. I lost again down to 175 when I met someone and was in the early stages of new love when I would forget to eat. Boy do I miss those days! I stayed at 180 for over 2 years! But in the past few months, I have managed to gain myself back to 192 pounds! I can still wear my size 12 pants, but some are getting pretty snug. I feel the gain even if everyone else swears they haven't noticed yet. I think they just don't want to hurt me. I'm scared to death.
I am sure I have stretched my pouch to beyond repair. I am trying to get back on track and dieting, trying to make myself exercise after getting lazy and not doing it. I know I never get enough liquids, never get enough sleep, never remember to consistently take my vitamins. I agree with the comment I read about being a good parent to myself. If I was parenting my child this way, i'd loose custody of him! I find that the more upset and worried I get, the more I want to eat. The more I tell myself I can't eat, the more I want to eat. The more depressed I get about eating, the more I want to eat. I am so afraid. I don't want to go back to the way I was. I don't want to live if I fail at this! I am ashamed, I'm embarrassed, and I am so afraid I've ruined this blessing that I was given. I can't seem to stop crying, worrying. I know I have to get control over this and I am determined to fight and at least keep from gaining more. I tell myself I have to do this no matter how hard it is, because I can't go back to being heavy again. I swear I will diet and exercise and try try try, but I am so afraid I will fail. I never could lose weight before the surgery, so I'm afraid I can't do it now either.
I could type a novel about my story and my cir****tances. I'm sure I'm not any different than most on here. We've all dealt with losses in love and friendship and had feelings of low self esteem and negativity. But right now, I feel like no one else can understand me but my WLS peers. And I don't want to talk to the ones in the honeymoon period and still loosing and excited. I need to hear from the ones in the same boat as me. I want to know that I'm not alone, that its not too late to fix the damage I've done. That I can still make this tool work. I'm so scared I've ruined it. I am so afraid this is the beginning of going back to the old me. I can't handle that. please help me. I'm so scared. You all seem so strong, so dedicated. You all seem to be doing the right things and sound like you can not eat nearly as much as I seem able to eat. Hearing how much everyone else is struggling did help me feel a little better, but still I feel like I've already ruined everything and it's all downhill from here. I don't know where to turn. I don't think i could get insurance to agree to surgery to reduce my pouch again. My surgeon probably wouldn't agree to it. Do they even do that? I can almost imagine the disappointed look on everyone's face, from the surgeon to my family and friends. I am so ashamed.
People are so judgemental about WLS. Some people in my family feel like its wonderful, some seem to think I 'cheated' and took the easy route. None of it has been easy! Strangers at work who know I'm 'that girl who used to be fat and had that stomach surgery' watch what I'm eating and give me a smug self satisfied look if I am eating something I shouldn't. One man in particular even came up to me as I ate some potato chips and said "hows the diet going?" looking at me pointedly. I feel guilty enough when I eat things I shouldn't without anyone's comments. He has a cousin who had WLS so he thinks he can talk to me about it. ugh! Family watches what I put on my plate and gives me a look of disaproval. People make comments about people they know or have heard of who gained weight back and look at me like of course I'm next in the line of failures.
Worst of all is my own guilt and shame. Is it too late for me? Can I still make the tool work for me even if I had been eating too much and stretched it out? I'm going to try going back to the early rules and diet and see what happnes. I know it will be hard and I'll struggle to stick to it. This whole journey has been a struggle. I wish I had joined a support group early on. Maybe I wouldn't be in this boat today. Any advice for what protein bars actually taste good? I am trying to convince myself to just eat nothing but those 3 meals a day if that's what it takes. Why can't I just eat that and be glad to eat them as long as I don't have to be fat anymore? I'm sorry if I seem like a whiner and complainer. I just really need help right now. I feel like I'm losing my battle with depression and my weight and I'm not sure where to turn. But I do want to say, even if you don't respond to me, that it helped me a lot to read your messages to each other. Thanks for sharing your stories on here.
Okay, Christi, your SOS has been heard loud and clear. You are dealing with two distinct issues here: first, the hard truth, which is this: there is absolutely no getting around the fact that in order to maintain and sustain successful weight loss, we must commit daily to healthy eating and at least 30 minutes of cardio exercise each day. Beyond that, we must follow the Rules of Maintenance. I will post them here, as I just received them from my surgeon at my 3 year appointment:
1. Fluid Load: Drink FAST AND HARD FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE YOUR MEAL using a calorie free beverage. DO NOT SIP. Drink as much as you can as fast as you can. Make sure you always have a water bottle on hand so you can drink when the need arises. DRINK INSTEAD OF SNACKING BETWEEN MEALS.
2. No Liquids With Meals or for 2 Hours After Each Meal: This allows your undigested food to slowly empty from your pouch.
3. Fork and Knife Foods Only: Your procedure only limits the passage of solids. Therefore, liquid calories are not delayed and will not make you feel adequately full. This means NO SOUP, YOGURT, PUDDING, AND ESPECIALLY NO PROTEIN SHAKES. Eat every meal seated at the table with a knife and fork.
4. Three 15 Minute Meals a Day: Your goal is 3 meals a day, no more. Do not spend more than 15 minutes eating. Use as small a plate as possible (tea saucer). It seems like a ridiculously small meal but given your very slow metabolism, it is all you need.
5. Balance Your Diet: You do not need to be on a high protein diet. In fact, over years, high protein intake will lead to less success than a blanaced diet. All you need is approximately 50 grams of protein a day. The remainder of your diet should include fiber, fats and complex carbs. A common problem seen 1-3 years after surgery is hypoglycemia, the feeling of shaking and nausea and hunger between meals. This is a sign that you have inadequate carb reserves in your system. By keeping at least 30% of your diet as complex carbs (no refined white processed foods!) you will prevent hypoglycemia. And you'll eat less.
6. Don't Diet: Short term periods on Atkins, Stage III shakes, or other severely restricted diets will only cause yo-yoing. Practice a balanced diet. AND EXERCISE REGULARLY.
Christi, these are basics that you MUST DO to sustain your weight loss. As I tell my kids about some life facts, this is NON-NEGOTIABLE. The other issue you're dealing with is psychological. You MUST find a therapist to deal with the isolation, low self-esteem, social dynamics, and other potentially debilitating psychological and emotional issues you are struggling with right now. Do not delay! Do whatever it takes, right now, this minute, to find a reputable therapist, ideally someone who has expertise in body image, weight issues (including anoxia and bullemia, it's all the same for us), and compulsive disorders. DO NOT WASTE ANOTHER MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE FEELING ASHAMED! You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. You are feeling an urgency in your life that is unhealthy and driving you toward negative thoughts and feelings. The URGENCY you are feeling can be redirected toward positive ENERGY, positive PASSION, positive feelings of HOPE and toward positive SELF-CARE. Be that child and take good, loving care of her. Start here. Do these things as I've outlined above. Just take these baby steps. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Finally, certainly there must be WLS support groups closer to you than 4 hours away. FIND THE NEAREST SG and start attending. Stop isolating. It's the single most positive step you can take right now. All the best, Christi. Please let us know how you're doing. With much care and concern, Maureen
One more thought - SCREW the other people. YOU CANNOT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE HOW YOU RESPOND TO THEM. The guy at work is a jerk, but instead of thinking about what he said, think about how you RESPONDED to what he said. Was there something you could have said that would ensure he knows he does not have the right to monitor your eating or to say anything to you about your eating? Same with your family. SCREW 'EM ALL. You can't change them. But you CAN change how you respond to them, and you must respond to them in a manner that supports your own program of self-care. Take a look at what this needs to be for you, and then do it. Tell them what you need to tell them, as non-emotionally and straight forward as possible. Tell them what you need. M.
Thank you for your response! It was very helpful. I had forgotten some of those things over these 3 years. Already today I stopped sipping drinks while I eat and I noticed a big change in the amount I could hold. I had forgotten to wait 2 hours after a meal to drink again. I was sipping between bites during the meal and then waiting about 30 minutes to take larger drinks at a time. But I had been upset to find that an hour later I'd feel a little hungry again. I know my intake of fluids is way too low, and I will work harder to get more fluids in. If I'm always drinking, surely I won't have as much chance to get hungry? I hope! I really let myself become an emotional basket case the other night when I posted. I felt like I was at rock bottom and did not know what to do to pull myself up. Today is a new day. I'm feeling a little better about everything today, a little stronger. And if that wasn't a good enough feeling, the scale tonight said 188, reminding me that my weight does swing up and down. It is still up from where I want to be, but if I stay on top of it and try hard to get control over it maybe I'll be okay. That helped me calm down a little more, and the wonderful support from this group just boosted me up further. I don't feel as hopeless tonight, and I'm starting to think positively. This is a work in progress to be sure! I may start to feel depression taking over again in an hour, or tomorrow, or next week, but not feeling so alone is already improving my mental state and internal dialog. This week when searching for help on this site, I also started posting my food intake and daily activities on fitday.com and it is really helping me see what I'm doing right and wrong. I'm gonna try my best and if I keep fighting at least I'm trying to get it right rather than giving up. Thank you so much for caring. It means so much to me!
Christi,
Breathe, breathe, breath....
You couldn't have come to a better place. We're here to help and you can tell from reading our posts that we've been through it all and we give unconditional support.
OK, here goes my 2 cents, for what it's worth. First of all, stop beating yourself up. Just as we all need to parent ourselves, we also need to love ourselves, without reservation. You've got nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. All you're doing is using what has been a steadfast coping mechanism - food. I'm with you... food is my drug of choice also. My own personal belief is that I'm thankful for my food addiction. It probably kept me from becoming an alcoholic or drug addict or killing myself in my younger days. It was the lesser of all evils, I just have to manage it now. Here are a couple of my coping mechanisms:
Stop the all or nothing thinking. Just because I had a Kit Kat for breakfast doesn't mean the whole day is shot. I don't need to write the whole day off as a failure. Before I would go ahead and eat whatever I wanted the rest of the day because I had "blown it" and plan to start again the next day. Now I start over immediately. Sometimes I start over 10 or 12 times a day, but I always start over right away.
"It is what it is." I've learned to accept me for me. I no longer apologize for the privilege of being me and that includes my food addiction. I struggle with it every day and I only lose when I give up. I refuse to give up.
Don't rent out space in your head. One time a guy on the elevator commented on the bag of Lays Baked Chips in my hand. He felt that I'd be better off with an apple. I thanked him for his unsolicited and unwanted advice and stewed on it for the afternoon. I finally decided I couldn't afford to rent space in my head to jackasses and let the issue go. Don't rent the space in your head to your family, the idiot at work or anyone else. Reenie's right when she says screw 'em.
Lastly, don't set yourself up for failure. You could set a goal of only eating 3 power bars a day, but c'mon, how likely are you to be able to keep that up? I couldn't. If I set a goal like that, I'd eat all three bars by 10:00 am, follow them up with an apple, a grilled cheese sandwich, 1/2 a bag of chips and a candy bar and then go out for lunch. The whole time, I'd be mentally flogging myself and feeling like a failure. Start with small, attainable goals. Put yourself in a winning position. Make a promise to leave a few bites on the plate or skip dessert or anything else that is doable. Don't sabotage yourself.
Christi, hang around here as long as you want. I know for sure that I'd be back to 286 pounds in no time without the good people of this board. Even when I don't sit down at the keyboard, I mentally post. I feel accountable to these folks and know that they will be here with words of wisdom and encouragement when I need it. It's never too late to seek support.
Oh yeah, one more thing... Don't count your pouch out just yet. There have been several times when I thought my pouch must surely be the size of a pillowcase by now. When I cut back to liquids or soft foods and limited the amounts for just a day or two, it seems like my pouch shrunk down and I couldn't eat as much. I think this has been true for other people as well.
Keep coming back and let us know how you are. We need your support just as much as you need ours.
Connie
Thank you Connie! Your message really hit where I needed it. I wanted to hear that someone else does eat some bad stuff now and then and it's not the end of the world. I was afraid the only people who ever gave in to junk cravings just keep gaining, and that I had screwed up so much I may never be able to turn it around. In those early days when I saw others eat something bad after surgery, I'd say 'oh not me, I will never touch that again. I won't let myself be tempted because I will not mess this up!' It was unrealistic to think that I could turn my back on the urges and cravings forever. I felt being given the chance to be thin would be powerful enough to overcome the memory of junk food. How wrong I was! I can still smell good food! I still have taste buds! Sometimes the messages I read sound like lots of people are so good about never eating anything they shouldn't! I really admire them their willpower and wish I could be like that, but thanks to everyone who admits to sometimes giving in!
I am trying to find small victories and compromises. I celebrate when I give my son a cookie and I don't eat one, or if I do cave at the smell of it and eat one, I celebrate that I ate one and not 5. I feel proud when I resist the urge to run through McDonalds for dinner because I'm tired and it smells so good when I drive by. If I manage to throw part of my dinner away, I remember the times when I'd eat two sandwiches every time and say hooray that I'm not eating like that anymore. I bought some special K bars to have a treat on hand every once in a while (not daily!) so I'm not so tempted to have a candy bar out of the vending machine at work. I wish I could say I'll never be temped to have one, but I know if I don't have another option around, I am likely to go get that snickers that will not stop calling to me from the break room! Getting my fluid intake up is something I really have to work harder on. Although I recently tried the walmart brand sugar free apple flavored drink mix and it tastes like apple juice to me. I'm loving that for my morning drink, and I'm already drinking more than I had been! I had missed the flavor of fruit juices.
The other night, I was feeling like my little mind games and mini victories were just fooling myself and ignoring the reality that I had botched the whole thing. Everyone's kind responses have really helped me to feel better. I knew it would help, but I had no idea just how much better I'd feel getting this feedback! I will try to do better, get back to the basics, make the needed changes to get on track, and to not be so hard on myself if I do stumble sometimes. Thank you all so much for your compassion and loving support. I can't express just how much it means to me.
Hi Christi
Welcome to our little world of Loving & Caring for one another. That is why we have stayed here so long. You came to
the right place. I agree-Breath- Love yourself & keep truckin
with the little steps on a daily basis & do not look at the big picture too long. The baby steps are what work in getting
back on track. Start with that 8 glasses of water today, go
for a walk (even if it is only 10 min.) Those kind of baby
steps eventually all work together & wow the weight is going
in the right direction again. We like to here from other folks
to see what is happening. So you can stick around as long as
you like.
Marilyn, the Bearlady 
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