LURKING FOR STORIES, INFORMATION

Well, I'm venturing out to uncover and discover how others are doing outside of our board. Here's a post from a woman who has lost a lot of weight; her life is in total overhaul - I'm just curious and thought it might be worthwhile to share some of what I'm finding out about others...hope all is well with everyone, we're too quiet... "...Okay sorry I had been on here in so long to update. I always said I would always update. My life has been a rollar coaster. I turned into and alcholic. I traded one addition for another. I feel in love with a wonderful man. I aam finally free of all my missery and I ready to start l.iving my life happy. I have stopped drinking and smoking. I am at goal. The attention I get is overwhelming. Sometimes i feel like im a picture and everyone stairs at me. I know this is all in my head. Sometimes I feel like im still so fat. Until I see that small framed lady in the mirrow. I keep looking in it. I know people think m conceded. I just cant beleive thats me. I am in size 8 i can eat anything. I excercise. My sex life has been unreal. i just turned 49 and have young men 2****ting on me. No thanks thats to young. But yes flattering. My marraige has grumbled. My husband married me because he loved big woman. when i lost all this weight I just went wild. I wanted attention so bad. I got alot of that. This surgery is something else. If you have any mental issues workl them out. Because if your like me. I had alot of them. My life turned upside down. Nobody likes a beautiful skinny lady. I have lost friends. Family is jealous. They like me fat and unhappy. Well im sorry but im the same person. People do treat skinny people different. I notice a big difference in public. I am so glad I had this surgery not only did it save my life. It made me happy again..."

And another...this one really supports my struggle to make this journey about living life joyfully and passionately without fixating on the numbers on the scale, which I know I still fall victim to. This post by a woman makes me a bit sad... "...Well, I have been stalling for about 3 months, playing around with the same 8 pounds....then , over the last two weeks, the stall is gone,,,so is my appetite, but I am still getting in enough protein and fluids...but, this morning, when i looked on the scale, I noticed that I am only 1/2 of a pound overweight.....great news,,,,at first I was a little disappointed about that last 1/2 pound.....until I realized I have lost exactly 150 pounds....un-freaken-believable...For all I know, this could be a one day thing, and I may never lose that last 1/2 pound....but hey, bmi of 25.1 is not too shabby....and I am just one big sneeze away from being "normal" (or as normal as this crazy chick can be)........"

This one is very long but fascinating...makes me grateful for my days of food sanity, which are seldom but hard-won successes. I'll stop with this one and invite you to do your own sluething and share your findings; we'll all benefit. What a struggle this remains for me... "...I guess the best place to start is with my daily routine. I wake up (this is key) and before my feet hit the ground I think about yesterday, what did I eat? Was I "good", did I eat too much, could I have eaten less. I assess my hunger, whew nope not hungry good. Not hungry but by the time I've finished brushing my teeth, I'm thirsty, really thirsty. This is a problem in my disordered eating world because there are rules here, rules for eating and rules for drinking. There is no drinking until I weigh myself. In my world I only "believe" one scale, it's not here at home it's at work, so there's no drinking until I get there. I rinse my mouth with water hoping to relieve the thirst, but it's still there. I get dressed and out the door I go. On the way to work I stop for coffee (hate the office coffee). There are rules here as well. I order my usual, large coffee with cream. I like splenda in my coffee, but I can't order it here, what if they use real sugar by mistake. I have actually asked them to put the splenda in for me, stressing that I can't have sugar. When I taste it, well it could be sugar maybe it's really splenda, I just can't be sure so it gets tossed out. On my way to work, still thirsty and if the traffic is backed up I get edgy, I'm thirsty. When I finally get to work, I get my ice cold spring water ready and in the bathroom I go. It's time to weigh myself. Do I have to pee? I wouldn't want to weigh myself before doing that. I strip down to my skivvies and jump on. I feel that feeing, hope I didn't gain, maybe I've lost. I slide the bars over ever so slowly starting at 150 now and working my way down, please let it be down. I stand very still making sure the indicator is directly in the middle of the weight, this must be precise. Off the scale I go, but I haven't moved the bars back yet because I need to get on one more time, just to make sure I read it right. Once I'm sure I know the number I head right for the big bottle of water. I'm THIRSTY. It's delish and I feel so much better. I begin my day now, drinking my coffee getting my work started. By about 11 am I think I feel some hunger. It's time to start thinking about lunch. The rule is that I eat no more than 170 calories for lunch. Where this number came from I have no idea, but it is the number. Maybe I want oatmeal, 160 calories, so that part is okay, but there are a lot of carbs in there. I can justify eating it some days because there is a lot fiber and the brand I buy has added protein. Having made the decision, there is still one thing to do. Log into my food tracking program and add it to my foods eaten today. Do I really want to spend 29 carbs on this lingers in my mind? I hit the save button, done, time to eat. It's so good; I could eat the whole packet. About half way through I gage my hunger again, am I satisfied, maybe a couple more mouthfuls. By the time I've eaten three quarters, I start feeling like I should throw the rest away. I don't need to finish this; I'm no longer a member of the clean plate club, so out it goes. Lunch is over, I've done well. I followed the rules, 29 carbs though I'll have to make sure my dinner is all protein. The afternoon melts away and before long it is 4:00. Is that hunger I feel? I hope not dinner isn't until AFTER 6:00. I drink more water, maybe have a diet soda. If I have to I'll have a couple of Altoids stave off the hunger. In my disordered world Altoids are okay to eat, well one well rationed tin a week is okay to eat. On my way home I start thinking about dinner. Most days I've decided what I'm having for dinner the day before, but it's always subject to change. I may have to make adjustments based on what I had for lunch, remember those 29 carbs. Tonight it will be taco meat with cheese and salsa. Very few carbs there. I'm to go. I can relax for the rest of the ride, decision is made. I arrive home at 5:15, say hello to kids make sure hubby is up for work. I'm getting hungry, but it is not after 6:00 yet. I can't eat too early, it's against the rules. I pickup the house, change my clothes, get my husband off to work and start dinner for the kids. Although we eat together, I don't usually eat what they do and they usually don't like what I eat so it's time to fix two meals. The kids are served, the taco meat is done, time to eat. Almost....First the food must be entered into the tracking system. For dinner I spend no more than 350 calories. I decide I'll have a half cup of meat, 176 calories, 15 grams of protein, good. Shredded cheese, three quarters of an ounce should be plenty, 86 calories and 5 grams of protein. That still leaves me 88 calories for salsa and some sour cream. Some days I can eyeball the food and put it on my small plate (yes it must be a small plate). Most days though I have to measure it, carefully. Some days I even put it on the plate and have to take it back off and measure it again. Finally time to eat. I try to enjoy every bite, gauging my hunger along the way. I don't want to eat everything if I'm satisfied. If I don't have to finish I congratulate myself. If I do finish, well I'm disappointed but at least I haven't eaten more than I've budgeted. I clean up the kitchen, make sure homework is done, check out what's on TV and I start thinking about what's left for the day in the food budget. Today there is 240 calories left. I allow myself 850 calories for the day. Sort of, in my world there is room for error logging in the food, so when I've logged 750 calories for the day I figure I've really probably eaten 850. Between now and bedtime, I won't truly be hungry but those left over calories are floating around in my head - I could have some homemade trail mix, a square of 85% cocoa chocolate, a packet of oatmeal, maybe even the coveted piece of rye toast................I have a hard time thinking of anything else, should I eat those calories? Should I skip the snack? If I have the snack I'll feel bad, if I don't have the snack I'll feel deprived. The outcome can be either, what's better, bad or deprived. I'm ready for bed now, I've chosen to eat the snack. I feel bad, guilty, and piggish. In my head I run through the foods I've eaten today. I should have had less, maybe then the scale would have moved down and I'd be Losing Weight..."

OK, I feel soooo normal now. I thought I was compulsive because I pull the scale out to a certain place on the floor because that particular spot has been proven to be the place I weigh the least. Seriously, this post has reminded me that so many of us were heavy because obesity was a manifestation of deeper mental health issues. Take away the fat and you still have underlying mental health issues that express themselves in other ways. I thank God everyday that I weigh 130 pounds less than I did 3 years ago, but I'm also reminded daily that the behaviors that got me to 286 are still with me, just a lesser version. I still stuff emotions and still use food to celebrate, mourn, validate and pacify. In some ways, I've stuck with the demon I know and at least I'm not battling other addictions like alcohol, shopping or gambling. I'd be curious to know how many people feel that they've traded one demon for another, have given up their demons altogether or stuck with the demon they know. Big hugs, Connie

I do exactly the same thing! I even line the scale up with the same horizontal plane of a section of the wood flooring; same spot, same time every a.m. - and I have to pee first - not once, but twice - then I get buck-naked, hop on the scale, suck in the gut (certain that I'll weigh less for doing so), hold my breath, close my eyes and count to 5 before I open them. It's my a.m. ritual. Of course, Sophie wishes I would let her out to do her business before I go through my routine - but she's savvy enough to to just wait it out with all 4 legs crossed (hers, not mine!) - have a super day, sweetheart. M.

These were great Reenie, Sad, but nice to see what others are dealing with. I guess we all have crosses still to bare. Thanks for posting them. Marilyn, the Bearlady

mmmmm.... maybe that is my problem, I am not obsessed enough with the whole WLS thing and that is why I haven't reached goal??? I haven't got time for all that stuff .. I'd miss my life rushing by!! Seriously, though .. thank you for finding these posts and putting them up here. They put me in perspective ... there are things that I should probably take a little more seriously .. and things that I am glad I have relaxed attitude about!!! Hugs, Mo