okay here goes

wow-i am usually not speechless but i am sitting here unable to get words on the page- tomorrow-monday- will be my anniversary- and i know that i won't take the time to compose any thoughts so today is it-and i have had to make a concerted effort to do this- normal? mike--i have never had a normal life- i was the only kid in my school (elementary) whose parents divorced when i was in second grade- it wasn't until 6th grade that another girl joined our class- a child of divorce! i was definitely the ONLY kid who was adopted- and i was the only one whose adopted mother was an alcoholic--so life has never been normal---my ex husband and i have a very good friendship and that is not normal- etc etc-you all get the picture- normal was actually a big sore spot with my (adopted) dad in 1999 when i was getting my divorce from said ex-- he turned his back on me at that time. i don't think there is a normal in my future! ok- i got THAT outta my system!!! three years- wow- so very much has happened and yet- i can remember the day like yesterday- i remember the calm that had taken over- and the assertive will- the fight with the insurance company-the fear that my michael would NOT go to the motel to sleep even tho i had paid for it -he's so stubborn i thought he'd sleep in the car in the parking lot! i can remember the anesthesiologist and the nurse in the preop room - and then waking up to the male nurse applying chapstick--and nothing in between---any prior surgeries i can remember not wanting to wake up when they would wake me in recovery-no...i don't wanna go to school...lemme sleep type thoughts! wow- i have been a slow loser all along-never really exercise much-continued to sneak in carbs- pretzels-OMG!!!! so i can't really whine that i never made goal--but i am holding at 175-started at 232--got down to 150 right before my michael got so sick---oh jeez --that hasn't even been two years ago yet--and it is so fresh in my mind- we have daily struggled since then...and don't forget we bought a house in december of surgery year! we have said house on the market and are praying to sell so that we can move to hawaii--we will make it--tho it may not fall into MY timeframe! michael's health is overall good now-but i am seeing some signs of aging -and he is still in quite a bit of pain. his mental state is often not good- it has been not quite 6 months since his eldest son died unexpectedly. i cannot fathom what he must feel about that as i have not had that loss. he is trying to adjust to being home- it has been over a year since his fall at work- and we are struggling financially more than i will admit---so i stuff my feelings -sometimes with protein! but i still stuff them....and i can stuff large quantities-i have even wondered if i "broke" my pouch-then something will quickly remind me! the regain has me quite upset-however-on the bright side--i have managed to stay within a few pounds of the regain for over 18 months--i do try to exercise- no willpower- my depression has taken a big toll this winter- and i blame the finances---it dawned on me the other day that we actually were living from nov til now minus over $6800 income- no wonder things were sooooo tight! this past friday we won a hearing with worker's comp and will be receiving back pay and moving forward until michael is deemed medically fit to return to work.money doesn't solve all of the problems but it will certainly ease the mind! ( remember that he is 67 and i just turned 53---it has been a true learning experience as we are approaching his retirement in earnest not just from the disability standpoint--start saving your money guys and gals--we are NOT invincible!!!!!!buy that accident insurance and those life ins policies--put money away....) i do continue to struggle- my head knows that the carbs are bad yet my willpower often is not strong enough--usually the things that i grab for are crackers- or cookies- i noticed yesterday that i am actually showing restraint-i ate 5 pretzel sticks instead of half the bag! does any of this make sense??????? i hate my job--however i thank my God daily that i have one and that they continue to pay me!i am actually looking to do some classes to further my experience and "hire-ability" for when we get to hawaii- i will have to work for at least 15 more years soooo could i have done this with the way i was preop?no--i couldn't play with my granddaughters- i couldn't completely wipe my own butt- (sorry!) i continue to work toward my goal- and maybe someday i will reach it-i don't want to think that i went thru all of that fight with insurance to only lose 60 pounds-yet--i have kept it off! which i wouldn't have without wls...... i have finally gone for a retitration of my sleep apnea- my machine setting was lowered from 10 to 6 last week- i have nose pillows now instead of full headgear- i sleep better- so i must be somewhat healthier- i know that my sagging panni is holding me back from true pant size- there are days i still wear my 16's cuz they are loose and comfy-my fat pants- ( i was in 22's preop but i call my 16's my fat pants) --but i can somedays squeeze into my 12's.... shirt size depends on the weather and the manufacturer and the time of day- i hate that there is no longer consistency in sizing- i blame the fashion industry for that- i am afraid to part with clothes- afraid that i will need them again..so i am bogged down with boxes of things that need to go to goodwill! the panni--i would love to have it surgically removed! i don't see insurance ever paying for that- and i am certainly not in a position-yet-to self pay--it isn't as large as many folks -i was after all a "lightweight" which is an issue in it's own right-- but it's large enough to cause me grief and to be unsightly.am i vain- yes; i guess so! the past few months i have finally been able to identify some of the reasoning in my own mind of why i have stuffed the food over the years - and am addressing the issues to the best of my ability- and am trying to break some of the habits- i DO dump on sugars and carbs- but i had learned just how many i could eat of something-example cookies- and who was i fooling?????nobody!!!! i continue to work on my coping skills!!!!!! i do not drink enough water- i still drink coffee..i am addicted and i love it...... i have been very fortunate to have good labs each time. i had a bone density test again this winter and it was good. i do take my vitamins and supplements faithfully. ( my eyesight is another story- i have beginnings of macular degeneration in my left eye).my sleep doc just ordered additional blood work-suspecting RLS could be starting- so it was ferritin and iron and b12 and some other stuff-hey!!!!i'm no dummy! get an extra set of eyes watching out for the RNYer!! bring on the blood draw!!!! my birth mom had wls two years ago and has surpassed me towards goal by leaps and bounds--and yesterday she had to be rushed by ambulance to grand rapids (1 1/2 hours from her home) to have her gall bladder removed-so i'm laying in bed last nite thinking i'm next!the little twinges i felt in my side-sympathy pains or???? bottom line is that the only one who can make this happen is me. would i do it again- you bet your sweet bippy--in a heart beat!!!! would i try to be more compliant? yes!!! once i deviated --it has been tuff to get back on track..... i pray that all of us continue to have good health.....i know i am not here often enough...i feel dislocated from you all--but i never really felt as strong of a bond as some of you had/have....maybe because i knew that i wasn't keeping up my end of the bargain in re compliancy ! or i was comparing even tho i know that we shouldn't!!!!!maybe becuz of the "lightweight" issue--it IS a different set of cir****tances and there is some discrimination-while not intentional--from many of you (not just on this board--and not pointing any fingers-ouch! should i delete this section?no) who were larger to start. well- no matter! on towards our 4th year, marchers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! life IS good-thank you for being here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok-i'm hitting submit!!!!!!

(((( Margo )))) I wish I had taken as much time to put my thoughts down as you have. They may seem like random thoughts to you, but sitting here reading them they are very very real and from the heart. I was a 'quasi-lightweight' .. starting at 278 .. 272 at surgery ... I've gained back 20 pounds from my lowest weight (175) recorded with Dr S. and I know in my heart it is from picking up the junk and in general being non-compliant. I can't eat quantities of food, but I can eat crap!!! I get sick on so much stuff still that I find the carbs (crackers, etc) go down so much better and stay down. I understand the feeling of being an 'outsider' .. For a long time post op I didn't post on this forum, but I've come back. I still have trouble asking for help or posting the deep dark things that might trouble me, but I know that these forums are the place where those problems will be understood when I am ready and I'll receive unconditional love and support. Whether you post or just lurk you will always be a 2004 Marcher! Thank you for posting such an honest look at yourself. Hugs, Mo

Mo, I confess that when I read your earlier post and how close you are with your MD WLS friends, I envied those folks for having you so close to them! If we've done anything at all to make anyone feel isolated, PLEASE set us straight. One of my many mantras at home is, "I can't fix what I don't know is broken." In other words, talk to me! Talk to us. There is so much unconditional love and support here and I would be totally alone in my dark mind with the food by now if it was not for this group. Love you, M.

Margo Congrats on your loss and your anniversary! I too am not near goal. I'm pregnant right now but before preg I only got to 209. I started at like 338 or somethign like that so I did loose alot but then that was it. The panni and such is HORRIBLE for me. But I still have alot to loose before I decide on plastic. You have had so much going on in your life that adds to stress and I think you've done awesome by loosing what you have and going through everything. Its so hard to focus on oneself when we are worried about loved ones. You hang in there you'll get there We all will and be so much happier for it in the long run. Here's to our 4th year! Elizabeth M

My dear darling Margo - would that the world approached living with your standards for honesty and taking risks...thank you for this post. Lightweight, smightweight...we're in this together, always have been and NEVER have I EVER considered you to be anything but a total inspiration and source of support. I was saddened when you stopped posting; we are all struggling with many of your issues, some of our own, but no matter what, we're here for each other. Please don't feel dislocated or isolated from us. We're family. And, yes, here's to year 4 - YEAR FOUR!!! And we're all still talking to each other, caring for one another, through the good and the bad of it all. Don't go away again. Promise. Love you, sweetie. M.

Wow! I love your posts and here's why... You are so real. I've never met you, but feel like you are who you are and there is no pretense or false front. The trait that I admire most in people is genuiness and you have it in spades. When you said that you feel dislocated, I really felt bad about that. I remember when I first came to this board 3 years ago, I felt the same way. I'm glad that you hang in here and share your journey. Big, Big Hugs! Connie