Emotions and eating....

I have found myself outwardly defiant the last few days when it comes to eating. My father had a stroke last Sunday and died on Thursday, his 68th birthday. All my family came up so we could say goodbye. It was a difficult time but healing. He was bipolar and we had all been estranged from him at one point or another. I'm feeling better and having my siblings here helped tremendously, but I found myself doing things I hadn't done for a very long time, and that was eating things out of sheer defiance to my goal of weight loss. I can't exactly put my finger on why, but there it was. I posted the other day that I ate pumpkin cheesecake. I had to eat it in 2 servings but I ate it. Yes, it tasted good, but it did make me dump in the end, and I knew it would. I didn't care. I just had this WTF attitude. Yet, I still didn't feel like I was eating *out* of emotion, if you can understand that. I didn't feel like I needed or even desired to eat more or bad things. I just felt like I didn't care. What is that anyway? This morning I had a real bagel/cinnamon raisin with reduced fat cream cheese. Still all told that was about 300 calories or so. Then about an hour later I had half a banana on a low carb tortilla with a little peanut butter. Has to be eating out of emotion, but I am not "feeling" it. It's just a little dead...numb or something. Dina

Dina just calm down and regroup, you have had a couple of rough days so what, All you have to do is start drinking loads of water and you will get back on track. You obviously do care or you would not voice what you just told us. I am going to keep you in my prayers all week. I know you are proabley already regrouping as I write this. You have been a great inspiration to me . I don't always post but I think you need to hear this, so stop beating yourself up and I hope you enjoyed that cheese cake enough for me to. LOL you could of told me and I could of flew there and you could of shared that silly..... LOL Stacey T

Well, next time I'll be sure to put out the red alert. But the question is: You may want to eat cheesecake with me, but do you want to dump with me? Dina

Hi Dina: I think what happened to you happens to many of us. I had an out of control eating day last week. I just couldn't seem to stop myself. So I decided to eat some popcorn and drink a little diet soda. It made me nauseas and that stopped me cold. I generally don't dump and can eat candy, cookies etc. but the combo of popcorn and soda (which I like) worked like a charm. Next day I was back to my normal eating self. Maybe you can try something like this. My condolences on the loss of your father. I hope you have some happy memories of him to counter balance the negative ones. I had a similar situation with my alcoholic father. I now try to keep the nice memories up front. Louise

Thanks Louise. It is so fresh that I find the good and the bad intermingling, but I'm definitely following that mindset. I feel more "freedom" to just remember the good. Dina

Dina, I'm so sorry about your father. I know some of the things that you've been through with him and you certainly have had a rough time lately. Mental illness can be such an insidious disease. When my husband died, I was so relieved that he was no longer being tortured by his own mind. I do think that you're eating through your emotions. There have been many times that I ate to maintain numbness. I call it stuffing my emotions. It always seemed that if I piled a layer of food on top of my emotions, they couldn't bubble up so I would have to deal with them. This will pass, if it hasn't already. You can always e-mail or call me if you feel like talking. Love you, Connie

You know, this is going to sound really stupid, but I never thought of it like that before. I am sure others "get" this and "got" it a long time ago because as I look at it now, it seems so logical, but for me, eating out of emotion consisted of being in a crying frenzy, shoving food down my throat as much as I could...even when it hurt to swallow. So I never considered that I used it to numb my feelings. Maybe this perspective will help me confront it now. Something to take to my counselor, that's for sure.... Dina

Dina, Im so sorry to hear about your father. You are going through alot now and have alot on your mind. Probably thinking about food is the last thing you want to worry about (hence the WTF attitude). I would feel the same way. It takes alot of our time and effort to eat right and stay on track. You have had alot of things happening so its not so strange to not care for the moment about what you are eating. You hang in there! I have been sabotaging myself lately as well. In fact I was thinking about you yesterday! I was thinking about the cheese cubes and just trying harder to eat right. I did so so yesterday. But I caved in and had potato chips. I was sooo hungry and it was my fault I didnt have something better on hand! I hope you start feeling better and maybe we can work on getting through this together since we are the same weight and seem to be on the same wavelength We can set little goals for ourselves like a no carb day (take it one day at a time ) it sure is getting harder isnt it? I'm keeping you in my prayers and blessings to you and your family. (((hugs))) Elizabeth M

Well, let's start off slowly and try just a simple Atkins induction day where you get 20 grams of carbs. Maybe I could do that easier. I still think giving up that apple is going to hurt!!! I need to do something though - I know it would help if I stuck to it... Dina

My sweet, funny friend Dinka...I'm so sorry for the pain you're in..even if you're not feeling it, the loss of your Dad, the loss of any chance for better days with him, that's what's sitting in you, on you, like a slab of concrete. When you're strong enough, you'll lift it and heave it to the side and keep on your path. For now, rest with it while you gather your strength. You are one hell of a tough woman, one of the best, and you'll get past this. It's hard to admit for any of us that we eat to numb our feelings. Guess what? Pretty much the entire human population does, just to different degrees. Take a look around, sweetie, crap food has become the most proliferant drug of choice. Obesity is running rampant i the good ol' USofA, from WallyWorld to Sardies. Try this. Find a quiet place. Think of all the wonderful things that you are (the list is endless as far as I'm concerned). Write them down, I dare you. Then, look at the list and find those attributes that relate most to your Dad. He's in you, the best part of him, because you have to be one of the most wonderful things he's ever created. Find a place in your heart to tuck away the very best of him and then, rest. Rest. And soon that gaping black hole called loss will begin to disappear. Be good to yourself. And know that you are absolutely not alone, not now, not ever. Take care, Dina. Love to you, Maureen