Well, I couldn't wait until midnight, so here is my update...
I figure I will get this out now because I know I will forget to post tomorrow...especially since I have to work overtime tomorrow night. 
3 years has brought some interesting changes for me. I started off at 325 and currently weigh 175 (150 lb loss). From my high of 338, that is a 162 lb loss.
I struggled from the time I had surgery with slow loss. I worried, fretted and obsessed over never being able to reach my goal. The weight trackers all said I would get to 202 and that would be it. It depressed me. The biggest victory in that part of the journey was when I hit 199!
Over the last 3 years I have found that I can indeed gain weight, but I have continued to weigh myself every day and that helps keep me from gaining and even allows me to lose once in awhile. I lost 13 lbs in the last year...most of it in chunks here and there. If I keep going at this rate, next year I might be posting that I made my goal. A little plastics and maybe I'll meet my original goal which was 150. (I changed that to 160 shortly after surgery)
As for other changes, I have had a lot of life changes as well, but maybe not as drastic as some, but more drastic than others. Most of you know that I am facing a divorce. Things are moving slowly but we are not living a lot of drama, so that is good. I know that when we started out I fretted over the statistics and that this surgery was called the "divorce surgery" since so many people who have the surgery end up divorced. I was afraid of that like you couldn't imagine. But yet I thought we were really strong though too.
What I discovered about myself was that the surgery isn't what caused this. But it did help open my eyes to the dysfunction I was living in. There was a time where we were really strong. We were best friends. So much so that 6 years into our marriage people still asked if we were newlyweds or just dating. We were interested in each other. But life gets in the way sometimes. He shut down after his dad's stroke and added to other issues that we ignored, the distance grew. This was all while I was pregnant, so I shoved it down. He shoved it down. We quit being friends. We quit knowing each other.
The surgery's role in this was that as I started losing weight, I started getting more glances, more looks and more men flirting with me. I started to lose my fear. Was I wanting to run out and have an affair? No. But what I realized was that I was starving for attention, and I missed having someone to talk to. I also realized that my fear of divorce in the past was strongly steeped in my lack of self-confidence and my fear of being alone. I was so mired in that fear that I clung to a dying marriage. I refused to acknowledge what was going on in my life. If we were both content being miserable, I was okay to keep going on like that. But I really wasn't content.
I still have a fear of being lonely. I have a lot of fear about going through all this. But I am also excited for the prospects for my future. I am looking forward to trying to learn a little more about myself. I have so many things I have ignored and hidden deep down that I don't know what I need anymore. 
Don't worry, I know I'm not going to go wild. I won't be joining a punk band, look to become the next Anna Nicole, turn gay, or become a tramp. I just need time to myself to discover what I like, who I am, what my real strengths and weaknesses are, and then I need to find a way to make it all work. At that point I might be ready for a relationship again, but until then I am afraid to step my foot in that pool....at least seriously.
As for my husband and I, we did try. But so much time has passed and so many feelings lost that I just can't get it back. I kick myself over and over wondering why I can't force myself to feel for him like I should. I wonder why I can't make myself love him. I only have been able to come to the conclusion that we can be friends, but I just can't summon up anything else. It's been gone for a long time, but I just didn't recognize it until recently.
As for Mike's comments about normal, I have struggled with this as well. I feel normal much of the time, but I still have a bit of a warped view on how large I am. I recently struggled with going down another size. My 16 pants were falling off me, and it took me a long time to move down to 14's. Now most of my 14's are hanging off me and I did the same thing...waited and waited and waited to even try on a pair of 12's. I finally broke down and bought 3 pair at Costco, expecting to get home and find they were too tight. I got home and they fit perfectly. It blew me away. But now I realize why I was so reluctant to move down. I still had an old dieting mentality being that the minute I let myself buy the next size down, I will gain 10 lbs or more and won't be able to fit into them. This kind of stuff makes me laugh at myself and marvel at how deeply we can place ourselves in self-preservation mode.
So now I am a size 12. Whodathunk it? I am hoping that with the new gym routine I started (my physical therapist offered to go with me if I got a membership) that I will tone up and maybe see a 10 before my birthday in July. That would be really cool! Oh - and about that physical therapist. I've been seeing her for years and years, and my back pain hasn't gotten better with the weight loss. In fact, it seemed exacerbated. I had an MRI and xrays last year that revealed degenerative disc disease and bulging discs from all my years being obese. Losing weight made me shift a bit and so ironically I end up keeping my back problems. Exercise and weight training are the only thing that will help right now, so I'm serious about doing this stuff. I have seen too many people with back surgeries and I am damned and determined not to have to go down that road. The only way to combat it is by strengthening my back muscles, so here I am: 3 years post op and finally I joined a gym! I may be slow, but at least I got there!
As for my continued weight loss, well, I have my slow weight loss to thank for that. I never considered myself "done" so in the process I have been able to continue to lose a little here and there. I am hopeful that because it has taken so long that I will have developed a routine that will allow me to keep it off. I do see some folks who lose much faster than me with the surgery and some of them struggle with regain. I can't help but wonder if it's not because they reached goal too soon, and then found it easier to fall back into negative habits because not enough time passed before they had to *stop* losing weight. I may never know for sure, but I figure if I was one of the folks who lost really quickly, I would have also gained a lot back right away.
So that is my 3 year update. I have had changes, as have all of you. I would not have changed a thing.
Dina
3 years has brought some interesting changes for me. I started off at 325 and currently weigh 175 (150 lb loss). From my high of 338, that is a 162 lb loss.
I struggled from the time I had surgery with slow loss. I worried, fretted and obsessed over never being able to reach my goal. The weight trackers all said I would get to 202 and that would be it. It depressed me. The biggest victory in that part of the journey was when I hit 199!
Over the last 3 years I have found that I can indeed gain weight, but I have continued to weigh myself every day and that helps keep me from gaining and even allows me to lose once in awhile. I lost 13 lbs in the last year...most of it in chunks here and there. If I keep going at this rate, next year I might be posting that I made my goal. A little plastics and maybe I'll meet my original goal which was 150. (I changed that to 160 shortly after surgery)
As for other changes, I have had a lot of life changes as well, but maybe not as drastic as some, but more drastic than others. Most of you know that I am facing a divorce. Things are moving slowly but we are not living a lot of drama, so that is good. I know that when we started out I fretted over the statistics and that this surgery was called the "divorce surgery" since so many people who have the surgery end up divorced. I was afraid of that like you couldn't imagine. But yet I thought we were really strong though too.
What I discovered about myself was that the surgery isn't what caused this. But it did help open my eyes to the dysfunction I was living in. There was a time where we were really strong. We were best friends. So much so that 6 years into our marriage people still asked if we were newlyweds or just dating. We were interested in each other. But life gets in the way sometimes. He shut down after his dad's stroke and added to other issues that we ignored, the distance grew. This was all while I was pregnant, so I shoved it down. He shoved it down. We quit being friends. We quit knowing each other.
The surgery's role in this was that as I started losing weight, I started getting more glances, more looks and more men flirting with me. I started to lose my fear. Was I wanting to run out and have an affair? No. But what I realized was that I was starving for attention, and I missed having someone to talk to. I also realized that my fear of divorce in the past was strongly steeped in my lack of self-confidence and my fear of being alone. I was so mired in that fear that I clung to a dying marriage. I refused to acknowledge what was going on in my life. If we were both content being miserable, I was okay to keep going on like that. But I really wasn't content.
I still have a fear of being lonely. I have a lot of fear about going through all this. But I am also excited for the prospects for my future. I am looking forward to trying to learn a little more about myself. I have so many things I have ignored and hidden deep down that I don't know what I need anymore. Don't worry, I know I'm not going to go wild. I won't be joining a punk band, look to become the next Anna Nicole, turn gay, or become a tramp. I just need time to myself to discover what I like, who I am, what my real strengths and weaknesses are, and then I need to find a way to make it all work. At that point I might be ready for a relationship again, but until then I am afraid to step my foot in that pool....at least seriously.
As for my husband and I, we did try. But so much time has passed and so many feelings lost that I just can't get it back. I kick myself over and over wondering why I can't force myself to feel for him like I should. I wonder why I can't make myself love him. I only have been able to come to the conclusion that we can be friends, but I just can't summon up anything else. It's been gone for a long time, but I just didn't recognize it until recently.
As for Mike's comments about normal, I have struggled with this as well. I feel normal much of the time, but I still have a bit of a warped view on how large I am. I recently struggled with going down another size. My 16 pants were falling off me, and it took me a long time to move down to 14's. Now most of my 14's are hanging off me and I did the same thing...waited and waited and waited to even try on a pair of 12's. I finally broke down and bought 3 pair at Costco, expecting to get home and find they were too tight. I got home and they fit perfectly. It blew me away. But now I realize why I was so reluctant to move down. I still had an old dieting mentality being that the minute I let myself buy the next size down, I will gain 10 lbs or more and won't be able to fit into them. This kind of stuff makes me laugh at myself and marvel at how deeply we can place ourselves in self-preservation mode.
So now I am a size 12. Whodathunk it? I am hoping that with the new gym routine I started (my physical therapist offered to go with me if I got a membership) that I will tone up and maybe see a 10 before my birthday in July. That would be really cool! Oh - and about that physical therapist. I've been seeing her for years and years, and my back pain hasn't gotten better with the weight loss. In fact, it seemed exacerbated. I had an MRI and xrays last year that revealed degenerative disc disease and bulging discs from all my years being obese. Losing weight made me shift a bit and so ironically I end up keeping my back problems. Exercise and weight training are the only thing that will help right now, so I'm serious about doing this stuff. I have seen too many people with back surgeries and I am damned and determined not to have to go down that road. The only way to combat it is by strengthening my back muscles, so here I am: 3 years post op and finally I joined a gym! I may be slow, but at least I got there!
As for my continued weight loss, well, I have my slow weight loss to thank for that. I never considered myself "done" so in the process I have been able to continue to lose a little here and there. I am hopeful that because it has taken so long that I will have developed a routine that will allow me to keep it off. I do see some folks who lose much faster than me with the surgery and some of them struggle with regain. I can't help but wonder if it's not because they reached goal too soon, and then found it easier to fall back into negative habits because not enough time passed before they had to *stop* losing weight. I may never know for sure, but I figure if I was one of the folks who lost really quickly, I would have also gained a lot back right away.
So that is my 3 year update. I have had changes, as have all of you. I would not have changed a thing.
Dina 
Hey Dina;
What a great post! Informative, intelligent, funny, uplifting and sad and, as always, thought- provoking!! You are facing your troubles with courage and a sense of humor. At the same time, like all of us, you have lots to be thankful for. As for your next relationship, I suspect that when you are ready, there will be no lack of interested candidates. You are a beautiful person, both on the surface and beneath. Happy Anniversary and best wishes for Year Number 4!!!
Mike
Dina, I love you - I really do. This post is precisely why I missed you so much. You have an uncanny knack for honing in on the truth, the core of everything but in a manner that is so real and genuine that there's nothing for me to do but to read your words and absorb their meaning, and then go out and live my life the better for having you in it. I wish you well in this very difficult time. And know that we are always, always here for you. Oh, and I will get that photo to you as soon as I can find someone with a digital camera, thanks for the offer! I guess on some level I'm still hiding behind this one for the same reason you are afraid to put on that next size lower pair of pants. The fat girl inside my head says, "...don't bother updating that photo; you're just a heartbeat away from looking like that again." I want to see the new size 12 you as well! Love you, girl. Maureen
WOW- Happy Anniversary !!! You have been missed. I applaud you
in your confidence on Life & don't blame you one little bit
looking for something better. I also have no intention of going back the old boyfriend. I don't love him & he does not
love me & let me tell you there are a lot of Great looking guys here in San Diego than Arizona had. And Yes, the flirting
does happen as never did when I was 340 lbs.
Take Care & keep those posts coming to this board.
Love you
Marilyn, the Bearlady 
That was beautifully written, and you have a knack for expressing what is going on in many peoples minds. My life has also changed drastically in 3 years. I still have issues in my head, and a fear of gaining weight. I did gain about 8 to 10 pounds since I reached my lowest weight, and I would love to take it off again, against much of my family. People seem to think I look healthier at this weight, but in fact I feel more comfortable at the lower weight. My weight is stable for the most part and has been for well over a year...and oddly enough I'm still a size 8 to 10.
I wish you well in your divorce proceedings. I know how difficult that can be, having gone though it. My ex husband and I are good friends....none of the knock down, drag out things we hear about so often. My boyfriend and I even have dinner occassionally with my ex and his girlfriend and our kids. A lot of people think this is strange, but, believe me, it is better in the long run for all involved.
And your slow weight loss? Well, remember the saying....slow and steady wins the race....but I think you're already a winner.
Take care and be well.....Joanie
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