Relationship Issues....bad!

Well Here is the back story, i have been dating Greg my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He is a very nice guy, usually very considerated and very very supportive! But Today i was using his computer and mistakingly came across a file with pam andersson porn... not fully downloaded and not able to be opened. Mind you I was not snooping I was looking at pictures from a party we threw together last week and that was mixed in.... So I asked about it. This is the first time that I have ever found something like this and he said he never liked that type of stuff in the past.....I asked where did it come from HE LIED at first and said it must have just poped up,,, then admitted he downloaded it a long time ago...The he admitted that HE LIED that he downloaded it a few weeks ago I think that this upset me because I am getting used to my new self... my ever changing body and now... he is looking at the worlds perfect body.. It really hurt my feelings and struck a nerve... I gave the ring he gave me back with a necklace he gave me and I said that we are on a break. I dont know what to do... My mom says its a guy thing, but I should put my foot down and say that the lies can absolutley not happen and also that i dont appreciate the porn materials. I feel a thousand diffrent emotions,, from love,, hate,, discusted,, unappreciated,,, low,,, hurt,,,, not pretty enough,,, and I know that this will past... I just want to know does anyone out there understand my 'pain'. Because right now it sucks! he has never shown any of these types of qualities or intrest and has ALWAYS been nothing but the best. And he does say that he has never done something like this before.. and doesnt want to do it again... I mean also./..is it part my doing because i have kind of cut him off,,, (scared of accidental pregnacy) HELP!!!! *KIM -114

Kim, As an veteran married woman, my hard and fast rule for the "porn" question is -- 'if you're lookin' for somethin' you can't get at home, don't let the door hit ya in the butt on the way out'. Generally NO TOLERANCE!! It's not your fault. If you truly love him and can't imagine an existence without him. Give him another chance, only after he shows proper remorse and promises to never, ever do it again. Part of what you feel is a trust issue. He violated your trust, now he has to earn it back, a little piece at a time. Good Luck! Va

Hi Kim, I can understand your pain on a similar but different level. (I am dealing with the news that my hubby of 13 years is gay) Regardless of our own unique situations, in general some good advice is to do what you are doing. Step back. Look things over. Slow down. Try not to overract if you can, and breathe!! THEN...stand up, look yourself in the mirror, and remind yourself WHO you are doing this for...the answer is YOU! (not him, not mom or dad etc.) While you are standing there, ask yourself this question? Is the relationship one that 'lifegiving for you' and it there a clear yes or no, then you have your answer. If its a bit more murky than yes or no...I say keep doing what you have done..Take a break. Space helps on many levels for both people involved. Finally...keep working hard on your Weightloss plan..you are doing amazingly well..sooo impressed. If this relationship doesnt gel right back up to what it woulda,shoulda,coulda, then maybe it wasnt meant to be at all. You now KNOW that you have the power within your hands to change your life forever! hope this isnt to 'preacher' sounding! The coulda, shoulda wouldas have been living in my head for months..but its a no win. You cant go back...so you arm yourselves with NEW knowledge and move forward but this time TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST! Hard to do when by nature you are the motherly, nurturing type for everyone else. I am now doing that..and it works. Hope something here helps..I am babbling I see..but its after midnight...and I had a DATE tonight. Good luck Kim...youre in my thoughts. Be strong..put yourself first..you will come out better on the other side! I promise you that. Kris

Kim, I'm probably going to be way different than most of the women here, but here it goes..... I don't care if my boyfriend looks at porn. I don't even care if he looks at another woman. I care that he is faithful to me and that he is honest with me. I don't consider looking at porn being unfaithful. Your boyfriend is with you because he loves you for all you are. He loved you fat and he'll love you thin. It sounds like he accepts you, but you don't accept you. Of course he lied to you in this situation because he was cornered. I think you're being a little hard on the guy. Give the guy a break. Most of all, Kim, find a way to love yourself. Connie

I couldnt agree more. So what, its an unatainable naked chic. He cant have her. If he was spending all his time looking at Pam Anderson, sure it would be a problem, but he isnt. He loves you and wants to be with YOU. Men are allowed to fantasize, right?

Hi Kim. I truly don't believe your boyfriend was even considering you in his decisions or desires to look at other women in a sexual context. He may on some level have felt guilty or "bad" for doing it, but those feelings have nothing to do with his genuine feelings for you. This is where women and men are so completely different. I don't condone his behavior and I really wish the entire world could find its way back to decency, but that's a separate issue. Try not to take this personally. It's very difficult for us to understand why men want (I refuse to say need) to look at porn, but if they do, it's not about you. It's about him. What IS about you is whether or not you can deal with it if you continue the relationship. And that is a decision that belongs only to you. We all have our personal values that we live by and those values are who we are! If his behavior goes against who you are and what you believe in, your relationship is not going to last -- unless YOU change -- and changing the way you are and the way you believe in order to keep someone in your life is never a good option. Just try not to get the issues confused. His behavior is his behavior and it really has nothing to do with you. You are a gorgeous young woman and you are doing great things to improve the quality of your life -- with or without him in it. Good luck, sweetie. Maureen

Ladies,,, Thanks so much for those responces. I think that I found something in all of your responces that helps. I do love him,, and I think the biggest thing that hurt me was the stupid LIES and trying to cover it up. Also I think that he does accept me, for me, other wise he would have ran along time ago. He kept rining my phone last night and when I happened to speak to his mom,,, she was concered because he was crying... (good for him), although I did not tell her what is wrong, She told me 'to do what I had to do, be proactive for yourself'. But I know that I have to love myself first. And you all helped me remember that I did this for ME.....he just reaps the benefits too. LOL Things seem diffrent in the light of the morning. Once again thanks! Gotta go to work, I will repost and update after work, have a good day *KIM*

I really don't think that men looking at porn is that big of a deal. I wouldn't be happy if my husband was looking at it every day. Like an addiction or something. But to download a few pics and look at them, I don't see what the big deal is. It isn't as if he is having sex with a stripper or anything like that. He is just looking at a few pictures of a woman that is untouchable to him. It may have just been a curiosity or something.I remember when my husband and I first were together if he went away on business, I would get so bent. I didn't believe for a minute that he would cheat on me, I just didn't like him even talking to other women. It was my insecurities about myself coming out and had nothing to do with him. Eventually I had to realize that he would have relationships, albeit casual business related ones, with other women and I just had to get over it and not be threatened by it. Now it is fine. I don't worry at all about him. I am sure in time you will feel the same. Nicole

Hi there-- I haven't responded to anything on this board for a long time, and I am one of the older ladies at 63, so hope I am wise too....but when I saw your caption, I thought it was REALLY bad....like he was leaving you or had an affair. Looking at *****n the internet is not that awful, it is not like being unfaithful...I am on the internet a lot and there are so many tricks to get you to look at different things, that just being curious sometimes gets you on the spyware lists for more ..... Anyway, as an older wiser lady, to a younger one,,,,,if he is there for you and you love each other, looking at sexy stuff doesn't hurt a bit. IMO!

I think "HAPPY GIRL" hit it right on the spot...perfectly said in my opinion. Just my two cents worth...good luck.