Help..I'm Drowning!!

This is probably the hardest post I have ever made. I am so ashamed, humiliated, in awe, angry, once defiante and now defeated. To be blunt, I have transferred my food addiction to alcohol. Who would have thought that would happen to ME? I never drank more than a social drink now and then before WLS. After WLS, it started very slowly. Six months postop, I went to a wedding and had a glass of watered down wine and a sip of champagne. It was nice and that was it. Later that summer, at BBQ's, picnics, company parties, etc., I started drinking a little more wine. By October (9 months postop), I was drinking probably once a week. The holidays were a little tougher (2004). I really showed my butt and embarrassed myself but everyone just laughed it off as "Wow-one drink and she's gone!" My weekly drinking continued through the summer of 2005 and it got out of hand. I was drinking a bottle or more each time I drank. So I quit. I was going to have plastic surgery in Sept and I didn't want to jeopordize my health (how ironic). I stayed sober until January 2006 when I went to a WLS convention and half the people there got drunk. I did not, but I started drinking again and it didn't stop. It became a daily ritual and I was consuming about 4-5 big wine glasses at a time. After three, my memory blacked out. I would find myself in bed and not know how I got there. I fell off my porch (six steps) and miraculously didn't break anything. Then I fell off another porch on vacation and again didn't break anything but had severe bruises. I still didn't stop. I couldn't. This December, I was at a professional convention and a group of us went out to dinner. After dinner, we went to the hotel bar and I swore I wasn't going to have anything and another collegue ordered a round and then another and the next thing I knew, I was in bed in my hotel room not remembering what the heck had happened. I found out later that I passed out in the bar (fell asleep) and the bar waitress woke me up at closing time and I made my way back upstairs to my room. The next day, the others laughed about it but I was humiliated and so scared. Two weeks later, at a church dinner at someone's house, she had a bottle of wine on the table and when I went to pour myself a glass of the sparkling apple cider, I impulsively reached for the wine and away I went. I have no memory of eating dinner, who I sat next to or the ride home. (No I have not driven at any time when inebriated-thank the Lord). Can you imagine my embarrassment? That was it! I went to my first AA meeting the week before Christmas and have been attending daily ever since. I am now nine days sober. I would wake up in the middle of the night with a headache and would always take Tylenol to make it go away. God knows what I have done to my liver.....Thanks for the information on the toxic affects it can have. In this terrible journey out of obesity into alcholism, I have learned that fully 30% of WLS patients cross addict. It might be with shopping, sex, gambling, exercise, alcohol or drugs-take your pick. If this happens to you, like it did to me-seemingly out of the blue, PLEASE get help!! Don't let your pride or denial of the problem keep you from getting the help you need. Your life may depend on it. Thank you for letting me vent and please pray for me. I am determined that this second chance at life will NOT be snuffed out by alcohol. God Bless you all. Hugs, Karen

Karen, Congratulations on your 9 days of sobriety and I'm proud of you for taking steps to take back your life. Food ceratinly was my drug of choice and still is. I'm in a constant cycle of buying food/throwing out food. I could have fed several third world countries with the food that I have thrown out in the last year. In fact, I just got up to throw out a bag of chips that were left over from Christmas. My father was a raging alcoholic when I was growing up and the memories of my childhood are probably what has kept me from turning from food to alcohol. I can see how easy it would be for me to turn to shopping, alcohol or any of a thousand other things to replace food. I'm trying hard to deal with issues and when all else fails, I paint a room. I'm pulling for you and applaud your courage for posting here and seeking help through AA. Hugs, Connie

I agree Karen that it takes a lot of courage to admit that you have a problem. You did that!! Then get help & you have done that. You are on the road to recovery!! It may not be easy, but, we are here for you & are important to us all here!! Hang tough & prayers for your full recovery of this addiction. YOU CAN DO IT!! Marilyn, the Bearlady

Thank you, Connie and Marilyn! I just got back to work after attending an AA meeting on my lunch hour. It was really helpful. And there are others in the meetings who have had WLS. I was not prepared for the transfer of addiction. I wish I had known it could be a problem and maybe I wouldn't have taken that first drink. But, alas, hindsight is 20/20 and I have to look forward one day at a time. Right now, I am okay. Connie, I was so sorry to hear you grew up in an alcoholic home. Fortunately, I did not grow up in a house with alcohol. But my two brothers became alcoholic as adults. My older brother died at 46 of cirrhosis and Hepatitis C. My younger brother drank for 20 years and got his first DUI last year. He was so stunned and horrified at being locked up in jail and then 90 days in a court-ordered rehab facility, he hasn't drank since and it was just his one year anniversary sober. I tried to talk to him about my sobriety but he can only concentrate on himself right now and could offer me no real support right now. At least I have AA, a supportive, nondrinking husband and you guys! I am so afraid of sharing my plight with others close to me for fear of retribution. It could ruin my career. Thank you again so much for being there for me. I am so scared... Hugs, Karen

congratulations on being 9 now 10 days free. this is a harder journey that the wls. but you can do it. thank god you saw the problem and are taking steps to correct it. my father too was an alcoholic. i do not want to relive the years as a child. of all my addictions alcohol and drugs aren't one of them. food was my biggest. its an addiction. they can call it whatever but for me it was an addiction. i use to smoke yes another addiction but had quit over 6 years ago 3 years before my surgery. to this day i still can't get over how i did it. i woke up one morning and said no not gonna smoke anymore. i was smoking 3 packs a day. i am prone to addictions. i am careful and watch. thank you for pointing out that we can go to another addiction very easily. i'm not surprised and have seen a good friend of mine who had her surgery 3 years before me drink way too much. we've lost touch but today i will call her to see how she is. sometimes support from friends is just what you need. we are here for you! good luck and god bless, pam never forget serentiy prayer.

Thank you for your support, Pam. Yes, I am now ten days sober. I am still attending meetings daily and they seem to help a lot. I used to smoke years ago, too. I quit in 1990. But I again transferred that addiction to food and ballooned up to 340 pounds! But my doctor told me I was healthier being heavy than lighter and smoking (lesser of two evils!). After WLS, I began transferring to spending money and shopping at first, before I found wine. Now, I try to sit quietly and just FEEL whatever is driving the compulsion and do NOTHING. Boy, is that hard...doing nothing! But addiction is my reaction to smother bad feelings; in place of feeling. I am learning that feeling is not so bad and that it passes. Sometimes the compulsion is so overwhelming to DO something. I know of other WLSers who have started smoking again to keep off the weight. Just another transfer. Please let me know how your friend is doing. I'll bet she will be thrilled you called her. Send her a copy of my posts. Maybe she will be encouraged to seek out AA, too. She can always email me at [email protected]. I am saying the serenity prayer every day. Again, thank you so much for your support in this very fragile time in my life. Ten Days and counting... Hugs, Karen

Are there times in our lives that are NOT fragile? I like what you said about feeling our feelings and not following our compulsions. Thank you for sharing. I left you a private message... Joy

Karen! What courage you have! I grew up in a world that was made a pretty scary place by alcohol. I know that I could quickly become addicted to it so it is not allowed in our house. My husband will occasionally buy beer if we have friends over (he is British and the pub is a social place not the place to go and be drunk). Basically Ilove the taste anf alsohol and the thoughts and memories scare me away from it. CONGRATULATIONS on your sobriety! Even small steps away are steps in the right direction! GOOD FOR YOU!!! Nic

Hey there Nic, You are a very smart woman not to get started especially if you know you have a tendency to perhaps get addicted. It isn't worth the 45 minutes of buzz you get before you pass out and then the 9 hours to recover. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.... One Day at a Time! Thanks again for your support. It is rare, indeed, for me to admit I need help or ask for support. But this has been an emergency for me. Thanks for coming to my aid. Hugs, Karen

Hi Joy, I sent you a reply. Did you get it? I was having trouble with my computer and the OH website from home. Let me know if you did not get it and I will re-send it. Hugs, Karen