Futile Question

I feel a little absurd asking this question, but here it goes.... I've been dating The Man for well over a year now. When we first started dating, he was a good 100 pounds overweight, but he worked his butt off and took off at least 70 pounds. In the beginning, I was skeptical, but kept my comments to myself and just supported him. I personally have probably lost and gained at least 500 pounds in my lifetime and don't believe that most MO people can keep weight off without surgery. Well, the man is starting to put the weight back on. I'm talking 10 pounds in the last week or two. You all know the drill... He eats, feels bad, eats more, kicks himself, eats again, hates himself for it. I'm really scared for him, he has diabetes and two of his younger brothers have recently had heart attacks and one had a stroke. This man lost the gene pool lottery for good heart health. I don't know what to say or do and I feel helpless. I know that the last thing I ever wanted when I was MO was for someone to talk to me about my weight. His daughters read him the riot act a week ago and he agrees with what they say, but he's in that feeding frenzy spin that we all remember so well. Work is horribly stressful for him right now and that's what's driving the food fest. He's eligible to retire and I'm seriously thinking of pushing him to retire before the stress-induced eating kills him. I feel like I'm watching him slowly kill himself as the weight comes back and I don't know what to do. Last night we went to watch a friend's band play in a competition. He ate a bowl of Jambalya at my house before we left. Mind you, it was very low fat, but he should have been full after eating it. When we got to the bar, he ordered and ate two bags of Doritos. 1/2 an hour later, we split a HUGE BBQ plate withe me eating 4 or 5 bites of meat and him polishing off every last bite. By the time we got home, he had a tamale and another bowl of Jambalaya. I have no idea how much he would have eaten if I hadn't been there. I'm screaming inside and don't know what to do. How ironic to be on this side of the coin. I've got no clue of what to do and it's breaking my heart because I'm afraid he's going to do some serious damage to himself. What would you guys do? Hugs, Connie

boy connie this is a tough one. i could see myself in the same situation as him. i remember those mindless eating acts. now its kinda the same in a way when i get upset i attack the sugar free popsicles or sugar free cookies. they still have calories but its still mindless eating and i can still gain weight. i'm still fighting with that extra 10. i wish i could give you an idea what to do. all i can do is understand where your both at. good luck and god bless. pammy

Pammy, I did exactly what he's doing and still do when I'm really stressed. Fortunately, I have a tool that keeps me from being totally out of control. It's so strange because I hear all the rationalizing that he's doing about eating and I'm onto it because it's the same thing I used to do. Maybe it's so frustrating for me because I understand his behavior so well and know that there's nothing anyone can do or say to change it until he decides to take action. It has to be up to him. Thanks for being there. Hugs, Connie (Who's Feeling Helpless in Arizona)

You feeling helpless makes me feel like I'm sailing without a boat...okay, kiddo, the best advice I can offer to you is to encourage him to redirect his energy away from food and toward moving. You and I both know that moving our bodies produces endorphins that make us feel better and relieves stress, ergo less of a need to eat compulsively to sooth those feelings of extreme tension. Talking at someone when they are feeling this way is like trying to use a sponge that's still encased in cellophane - it ain't happening. Move together. Get him moving. Laugh. Tease. Love. And move. I know how upsetting this is for you and I'm sorry you're feeling so badly about all of this. He's got to want it, he's got to make it happen. Love you, M.

Talking about the eating is treating the symptoms. Talk to him about how he seems to be stressed. Get him to talk out the stress and how he would like his life to be and encourage him to take action to make it the way he wants. I often think that if I had had some one see that person in me sooner, I would not have turned to food as a friend. Even surgery did not fix our heads--we are still learning that. Start there with him. Share your own struggles with stress and some of the non-food coping strategies you have learned. I think the best one I learned is the realization that life is too short to spend doing something I hate--so it is up to me to make the changes to create the life I love. That is the most freeing and healthy realization I have ever come to! The Man is blessed to have you caring about him! Joy