A Fat Girl Lives Here

Interesting topic Connie. I have a feeling there are a lot of words that are going to come spilling out at the expense of everyone's eyeballs here. It strikes a nerve. When I was a teen I lost 60-70 lbs by starving myself. I relished every glance from former foes who didn't recognize me. I relished hanging on the arm of my buff boyfriend who paraded me around like arm candy and having the boys who made fun of me stand and gawk, knowing full well my boyfriend could and would beat the living crap out of them for one misstep. I was immature...hell, I was only 14. I was desperate to be "normal." So desperate in fact that I wanted nothing to do with fat people. I didn't want to be "fat by association." It scared the hell out of me. When a former teacher saw me she commented on how good I looked and made a point to say that I was still the same inside....obviously trying to say I was the same good person inside. I protested and said "I HOPE NOT!!!" What the hell did that say about how I felt about myself? I hated...no, loathed, the fat me. Then I started gaining again and thus began my lifelong roller coaster. I always associated my problems in life with my weight. Certainly they were when I was young, but it help set me up with some negative personality traits that continued to be reinforced through my youth and into my adulthood. I had a fat chip on my shoulder. I know when I gained the weight back I was humbled and realized that there was no such thing as being "fat by association." I realized that a friend is a friend regardless of their size. In my youth I was guilty of doing the same things to others that were done to me because of my size. I just wanted so desperately to belong that I was just doing what the Romans did...when I was in Rome. Now? Well, I've lost most of the weight I wanted to. I still feel fat many days, but I don't feel morbidly obese and grotesque like I felt at 325. I feel more free than ever and there are days I actually think I look pretty good. I think in this I have achieved what one would consider normal. I think most people have their days they feel good or bad about themselves. But do I miss the fat girl? Do I want her a part of me? For me, that answer I think is no. Not because she was so horrible, but because with counseling over the course of the last 3 years I have changed to a person I like better. And it just so happens that 2.5 years ago I had the surgery and those changes, both physically and emotionally, started happening at the same time. Had I made these emotional strides before the weight came off, I don't know if my answer would be different or not. But for me, I so strongly associate my akwardness, my social phobias, my lack of grace, my introversion (which is a contrast to who I really am) and all those things that made my life uncomfortable, with being heavy. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted then. I have a better sense of that now. I know I'm not done, though either. But being that fat girl, I just don't think I could go back to her. She was a bad time in my life. She was everything that was wrong with me all bundled up into one big package. My ability to relate to people is greater now than it was when I was fat. Some of this is just because of the counseling I have had, but some of it is the fat barrier. One example: I have always had great empathy for people who are hurting. In the past, especially with children, I found myself lacking in the ability to comfort them. Something simple like giving a hug was to me a barrier I couldn't cross because of my girth. I intimidated myself for one, and for another, there is no way I could squat down to meet them eye to eye. Now when I see a child who is upset or crying, I can squat down and meet their eyes and give them a hug if they need one. It's not that they wouldn't appreciate that when I was fat, but I had a personal barrier to that. I imagined they didn't want a fat lady hugging them. I physically couldn't meet them on their level. I was afraid of relating in the way I wanted to relate. Being rid of the fat has given me the freedom to not think about my girth. It has given me the freedom to not think about a horrid picture someone took at whatever angle that caused me to never want to be seen like that again. I recall a picture of me sitting down. I swear I looked to be 500 lbs by that picture. For years at work I would stand for half of my 10 hour shift at my console because I didn't want to be seen sitting down. I am an extrovert by nature, but the only way I could express that was online because when I spoke to people in person, I was consumed with how fat I appeared to these people. How gross did I look? And it sucked the fun right out of me. I quit relating. In contrast, my friend Shelby who is also heavy - she was seemingly never self-conscious. She has always been lively and loves relating to people...no matter her size. I always admired that and wished I could emulate it. But for me, I had to get rid of the fat girl in order to let the fun girl out. Fat girl put a lot of restrictions on me that made me the opposite of who I really was inside. I guess I know what I will be speaking to my counselor about tomorrow when I see her. LOL! No, I don't want to remember fat girl. I want to remember my empathy. And I know I am different than that 14 year old girl who was afraid of being fat by association. I know I am not uncomfortable around fat people like I used to be. But still, that fat girl is one person I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable being around. She and all those neuroses made my life a living hell at times. Dina

Hi All I don't ever want to lose that Fat Girl image either. Even Though I never made it to goal I am so much better off with over 100 pounds gone. I originally lost 135 & now linger around the 100 lbs mark as I have gaine back 30 of those. My Doc keeps saying I am still a success. I sometimes don't think so as I never got below 200 lbs. However. I am not wearing 3x & 4X anymore & have energy I never though I would have. I still have some health probelms, but overall I am not on any diabetic meds. Just dealing with Anemia & a little high on the blood pressure. Had to go back on some mild blood pressure meds. I still would do it a gain in a heart beat & find myself looking at large people saying you should do this too & remember how it felt to not be able to walk or breath or even shop like I do now. God is good & thank him Daily for my 2nd chance at a real life. Have a Great Week & Thanks Connie for bringing up the Subject. Marilyn, the Bearlady

Connie; I couldn't "Lose the Fat Guy" if I tried! He's a major part of who I am. I look back at pictures of mysellf as a child and I realize that even though I wasn't obese, I was never the skinny litte street urchin that most of my friends were. In other words, I really don't know how NOT to be a fat guy. I'm shocked when people make fat jokes in my earshot until I realize that they don't consider me a fat guy. I still get offended by such comments and still find myself defending the fat guy at least some of the time. What's really freaky for me is that although I look in the mirror every day and see pictures of myself more often now that I'm not hiding behind the camera all the time, I still get startled at images of myself from time to time. A perfect example of this happened to me the other evening at work. I was heading back to the office after visiting with some of my workers in the field when I decided to gas up my vehicle. The gas station had several cameras both inside and outside and a monitor by the cashier. While waiting my turn to pay, I was mindlessly watching the monitor cycle through the images of the various cameras. I couldn't figure out where the "Normal-Sized Guy" near the counter fit into the equation when I realized that I was looking at myself!! Here it is more than 2 1/2 years after surgery and I still find myself getting these occasional suprises!! So, after all of this babble, the answer to your question is: Not only do I not want to forget where I came from, I probably couldn't if I tried!! Mike