Confessions of a Cheater LONG SORRY

I had a three week strained post-op and then three more of pureed foods. I had to CHEW! I started with teensy bits of chicken breast, you know for the protien. That worked for a couple of days. Then the need to chew SOMETHING DIFFERENT set in. So I branched out to the crust of a piece of toast. I haven't been going crazy with the food but I do know that I have been cheating like all get out. I went to Taco Bell and got their beans. I am freaking out with the not eating thing. My hubby is worried about me. I have cried for two days. Each time I put a bit of food in my mouth I am terrified that it's gonna block my stoma. I am hungry just like I was before. Every three hours, you can set your clock by my tummy. This isn't what I expected. I was fine for the first week. I figured that one out... I was fine as long as my stomach was sore and swollen. Then the hungry feeling started hitting. I have been choosing my food more for the protien than anything else. I look at the sugar content and carbs. I think about how 'worth it' it is before I buy it. The protien drinks didn't work out for me. I dumped on the CIB even though I got the one without added sugar. I chew, chew, chew and then chew some more just for good measure. I'm not fortunate enough to be able to have the full feeling. I can eat three bites of something and then when I put the fourth bite in I get this pain literally between my breasts. It feels like there's a balloon stuck in my esophogus (s/p) and hurts like hell. I have learned (mostly) how much of what I can swallow and quit (most of the time) before the pain hits. Last night I ate (foolishly) two slices of hard salame. There was nothing in my tummy when I swallowed them. They hit that half way mark and stopped cold. I ended up yaking and it wasn't pretty. The good part that came out of the yaking episode was that I could actually see how well my food was being chewed... very well, lots of teensy pieces. I have my first post-op Tuesday. I was supposed to go for one last Tuesday but was out of town unexpectedly so I had to cancel. My surgeon is gonna rip me a new one!Rightfully so too. I have eaten some egg with cheese, chicken, some brisket (the lean part with the fat bked out), the refried beans, a small piece of fried fish, a part of a chicken strip, KFC mashed potatoes, the chicken I cooked and the toast crust. I feel like a pig. I have a WAR going on inside me. It has three fronts. The first is physical; I'm ALWAYS hungry, I NEED the eat. The second is I want to eat, not just a few bites but a 'real meal'. The third is spiritual (for lack of a better word) My brain knows that every crumb of a morsel that goes into my mouth is one less that comes off of my A$$. I am depressed and hating myself. Then other (well meaning) people ask what I'm eating or why I'm eating 'that'. I have all of these food cops, where were they when I was ballooning up? They seem to have a comment or question about everything I do. Maybe it's just my guilty conscience telling me they're on my back, it could be. Tonight I went to Albertsons and bought some of the vegatarian meats. I was never much of a meat eater anyway so the only adjustment here is the cost. I haven't eaten but a third of the little vegan pizza I bought. I lost interest and the guilt got too hard to swallow. I think (even though eating is a bad choice) I made some of the best choices that I've ever made. I choose flavors that I thought I'd like. THEN I checked for protien content in the serving size. I did look at the carbs too. I finally made my choices based on highest protien/lowest carbs out of the ones I thought I'd like. I feel good that I could consciously make choices like that but bad that I made them now. I am being eaten alive by guilt. Guilt because I need to eat. It seems like nothing has changed. I have lost weight 22.5#! I made the choice to eat based on the fact that so many different surgeons have their patients on such varied diets. Some get to eat 'real food' by two weeks out. If it doesn't hurt them, I make careful choices, and chew the buh-jeezus out of what I do put in my mouth then 'I'll be O.K.' at least that's the rational I used. I'm watching what I eat and haven't gotten more than 900 calories in any day (lots of apple juice) and have managed to drink TONS of water. I avoid drinking before and after I eat. I mean I'm doing that part right at least! Somebody tell me how wrong I am, how off base. How I know better! If anyone has any ideas (besides clearing out the freshly purchased food) I will be grateful. Oh yeah, I feel fine health and tummy wise. I have had some neausea due to bubbles in my pouch but nothing much else except the salame thing. Thanks, Gayle

Okay Gayle - here come the flames..... FOR YOUR DOCTOR. I am sorry - I know the surgeons know more than me but why are there such varied programs? I just really honestly feel in my heart that many of the surgeons just like to make it tough on their patients. I know - I know....I'm not a doctor. I don't know what they know. But why was I on soft (not pureed) foods since 4 days after surgery, while some people are on liquid diets for weeks before and following the surgery? I firmly believe your body is telling you something Gayle. You are taking in SO many more calories on the liquid/soft diet than you would if you were eating solids. I have a 4 oz pouch and can eat much more than you but I am getting between 500-700 calories a day. The apple juice you have resorted to drinking is loaded with those empty calories we all have known about. And as for being hungry - HELL - I have been hungry since 3 days after surgery. I had some pretty killer hunger pangs and in fact had one while trying to go to sleep one night that actually felt like my pouch flipped over and it went "ka-thunk." Your tummy is crying for something real, and no wonder you've been crying. I think you should be going into your surgeon and reading HIM the riot act, not vice versa. I'm sorry but that is how I feel. I know - I know - I'm not a doctor, so please take my vent for what it is worth...my opinion only. But my biggest piece of advice for you is DON'T LET GUILT CONSUME YOU. YOU AREN'T A CHEATER!           § Dina c(__) Open Proximal RNY 3/10/04 325/301/150

Gayle - I would call your doctor or when you see him on tuesday till him that you are hungry all the time. I think it maybe normal, as I am 5 weeks out and I get hungry in the late afternoons. As for your 3 weeks soft and 3 weeks pureed, talk to your doctor about these as well. My doctor told me I could go from the clear liquid stage to pureed foods a week after the surgery. Only because I couldn't handle the protien drinks. I found out that was a little early for me so I stayed another week on clear liquids. I then couldn't not tolerate pureed foods (just couldn't bring myself to eat foods like that) so I spoke to the doctor and told me I could skip that stage or it was ok for me to chew things extremely well. Some doctors are stricter the others, but I was glad mine was adaptable. Until you can get the ok from your doctor, I would be eating low fat, low sugar foods. I love salame as well, but that has so much fat in it that I wouldn't think of eating it (as the nutrishinist said "moderation" is the key). I have gotten in the bad habit of having 6 crackers with PB (less then 1tsp) before bed. Since PB is alot of fat, I am going to have to stop that so the jar is going in the trash. You just need to let your doctor know about your hunger. Margaret

I know every docor is different, as is each WLS diet. I was on a clear diet for 1 week after surgery, which was water water water and broth and sugar free jello. Week 2 i was advanced to protiens. The worst part is i can't really keep the protiens down so i add protien powder to sugar free jello. Liquids go down so well for me, and i amm ok with that and could live off liquids. But anything solid i eat, i get a few tiny bites and i get that pain, which i am taking as i must be full. They told me my new little pouch is about the size of a small egg, so i try to be careful, but i am human and sometimes i cheat. I will have sugar free things to cheat with, and i am trying so hard to avoid carbs. I have learned to be careful because my body rejects things and i barf easily now. I use fitday.com and track what goes in my mouth, and i get upset if i take in more then 300 calories. I know i should have more, but for some reason i get upset if i get in more. When i get that urge in my mind that i need something in my mouth i go for Fla-vor-ice-Lite popcicles. They are sweetened with splenda, so they are awesome. After one of them i am good to go. I really believe 90% of what we put in our mouths is mental, our brains being not so nice and saying "come on, eat that its ok, i won't tell" but a moment on our lips, and forever on our hips. There are times i just chew on ice too. Yes i know my doctor will most likely reem me out for this, but I am scared to death of stretching my little pouch out. Good luck

gayle; i am not going to flame you- however,i am going to ask you two things ~~do you feel any better about this after confessing to us? ~~what are you going to do about this today? seems you have reamed yourself enough....just be careful! hugs,margo

Gayle, the most important piece of advice I can give you right now is STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. Of course, if that was an easy thing to do, none of us would have become morbidly obese because we have all used food to excess to hurt ourselves. You have two separate issues going on here: (1) healing from WLS; and (2) living in your head, emotionally and psychologically, about food. With regard to healing, you must follow the protocol, there's no getting away from that, if you want to maximize your health and weight loss success. If you don't trust your surgeon, you should another WLS expert ASAP to figure our your course of action. The 4th Stage (pureed/mushy proteins) is really quite tolerable and for me included scrambled eggs with melted cheese, FF refried beans (I moved onto to chili beans) with melted cheese, tuna or chicken salad mixed with lite mayo, etc. I would suggest you eat this way until you get it clear in your head how you're suppose to be eating and for how long, by working with your surgeon or another WLS professional -- immediately. Now, the head part. Let's face it: morbidly obese people spend their entire lives using food as a means to do so many things, from protecting ourselves from other people, to hurting ourselves and the people in our lives that we care most about. This pattern of self-inflicted emotional abuse will not magically disappear with WLS! It sounds to me like you are still very much enmeshed in the same thoughts and feelings you have always had as an emotionally abusive, food addicted individual. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL AND TO BE EXPECTED! Recognize it for what it is and then make a commitment to yourself to do whatever it takes to wrestle that beast out of your head and your life! I would start by gently but firmly telling the people in your life to stop policing your food actions. Let them know that you appreciate their support and that you will keep them informed of your progress, but to stop watching your every move. Tell them to get on with their lives so that you can get on with yours. Next, find a support group (like OA, which doesn't cost anything to join), or a therapist -- DO THIS IMMEDIATELY, so that you can sort out your feelings and thoughts with people who understand and who can help. Finally, if you need to eat (I personally believe this is more in your head than your tummy), wake up each morning and commit a menu for that day, making wise choices that will not harm your new pouch. Be sure to get in your protein, your water, and be sure to include your exercise. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I hope I haven't said anything that has offended you in any way. I am genuinely concerned about your well-being and I certainly relate to everything you're feeling. But, Gayle, you've come so far, you put yourself through so much with this surgery -- give yourself a break and tell yourself you are WORTH IT to do the right things to get well and get healthy. God bless, sweetie, and be well. Maureen

I have no helpful words of advice. I wish I did and could make this easier for you and anyone else having trouble. Are you supposed to be on liquids? That was the hardest for me. It does get easier. Just try to jump back on the wagon and hold on tight. I just warn you that you doctor may have people reading your post so be honest with him. Dont make youself look like a fool like I did. My Dr has spies-lol. Good luck to you dear. You are not alne. LaDonna -40lbs

Gayle, I'm with Dina on this one - I blame the surgeons. Never mind that each surgeon's program is different, my surgeon changes her own program every month. At the last support group meeting, they told us no more creamed soups and that we could have beef at 4 months instead of 6. They state that they keep changing their guidelines based on new research. OK, if that's the case, why isn't everyone else? Shouldn't there be a national board or committee or something that oversees this and makes recommendations? The surgeon's office tells me to only eat 3 times a day. The surgeon's office also tells me to listen to my body and follow the signals I get. Well, my tummy says my surgeon is full of it when it comes to the 3 times a day eating thing because I'm hungry every 5 hours. I'm listening to my tummy. As for beating yourself up over this - stop that! As MO people, we've spent a whole lifetime beating ourselves up and forming a dysfunctional relationship with food to reward/punish ourselves. You're not doing anything wrong by trying to answer your body's needs, just try to pay attention to the signals and if you make a mis-step forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. We're all here learning and struggling together. I don't think any one of us has this down pat. Connie

I have one more thing to put in here. I know we all come from different places in our experiences, but I have a hard time seeing us dwell on this supposed dysfunction with food. If you did the same thing to a skinny person, do you not think they would obsess over not being able to eat normal? Do you not think they would get sick of pureed foods or feel desperate for some protein? The thing is, when I started doing Atkins years ago, I started to realize that this crap that had been pushed on me for years - that there had to be an emotional link to my overeating - was just that - CRAP. When I followed the low-carb plan I realized my eating was under control and that my cravings and hunger were a physical thing. When I quit losing on Atkins because my portion sizes were too large, that was when I realized I was done with diets and that I needed surgery. I'm not saying that everyone is like me, as I realize there are people out there who have emotional eating disorders, but I think it's a disservice to many of us to claim this to be the case for everyone. Certainly I think for many of us there was emotional distress at *some* point in our lives that caused us to overeat when we were too immature to cope with negativity (as I did when I was a kid), but once set up for the failure, it lasts a lifetime regardless of if your emotional health. But I do think there are a lot of folks out there thinking there is some sinister underlying emotional problem when it really isn't that way. The way I look at it is that by 5 years down the road we will likely know which ones are truly emotionally disturbed with food and those who are not by looking at *****gains weight despite their successful surgery (not counting physical problems with the pouch/stoma). Anyway, I am not trying to be negative here, but I think sometimes we assume an awful lot about our relationship with food based on pop psychology ala Dr. Phil and Richard Simmons and fail to recognize the physical factor here. People with a family history of diabetes are prone for obesity. People who grew up in families with poor eating habits are prone for obesity. People who are sedentary are prone for diabetes. People who have metabolic disorders (like my PCOS) are prone for obesity. It doesn't mean there aren't emotions involved - it means that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Dina

Thanks you guys! I expected flames and I got them, only they didn't burn me. I was feeling so ugly inside and your words have helped soothe the ache. I will be open and honest with my doc, otherwise I can't expect him to know everything and offer good solid suggestions. It was asked if I feel better... yes. If for no other reason than I know I'm not suffering in silence or alone. It was also asked what I plan to do about it. I bought three exercise tapes. They are a set. They are called Walk Away The Pounds. The first tape takes you a mile, the second two and adds a stretchie for resistance (I believe in the hands) and the third three miles with the stretchie. I want to exercise but my joints are still such a mess that I'm afraid of getting away from home and not being able to get back. These tapes will help me on both fronts since I'll be in my living room and still exercising. If it gets to be too much I can take 5 until I can go a little more. They will help me to gradually increase to the point that I can go out and learn what my neighborhood really looks like. I want to continue to eat. I need that for me. I feel I have made some great choices, something I could rarely say before, and know that I must exercise not only restraint (no huge plate) and control for I am the only one in control here. I must stand up and take full responsibility for myself. I must judge what is 'worth it' as far as what I choose to eat. I know that it's up to me to learn how to properly use this life saving tool. I would like to add here that I felt food wise I wasn't told enough. I went to a nutrition class and learned about some options. The rest was left up to me under the guise that I needed to learn. Yeah, I did and still do. I feel I could have done loads better with a bit more structure in this department. If I could have been given a COMPLETE list of what I could have then I would have felt better and more in control. That is so far the only complaint that I have about the dr.'s office. Your words and concern have made this a truely awesome expirience and I need to tell each and every one of you Thank You! You are all #1 in my book! Gayle Queen Of Yarn Balls