a little update on me...

i've been pretty bad about updating anything on here - i just haven't felt like doing anything. surgery went well, i guess. hospital stay was all right, but only because i had a lot of help from my husband and my sister. the nurses were WAY understaffed. anyway, surgery was on the 9th and came home on the 12th. went for my first follow up apt. on the 18th and got my staples and drains removed (i had 2 because i had to have my gall bladder removed too). i moved to pureed foods yesterday, which i was very excited about but have now found that it's just a lot of work for nothing... i've only sat down at the computer for a few minutes the past couple of days and have read the posts on here desperately searching for someone, anyone, who might be feeling like i am. but, i always leave feeling worse - feeling like i'm not doing as well as everyone else - that i'm not handling this well at all. and, really i'm not. i'm not ok at all. i cry all the time - and it doesn't take much at all to set me off... i want nothing more than to curl up on the couch and watch tv with a big bag of chips and a pepsi (with ice AND A STRAW!!) i did research on this surgery for a year and a half, how the hell did i miss the fact that i would never be able to use a straw again??? i don't know. i'm just having a really hard time. i hurt, i'm gassy, and i'm miserable. before i was jealous of people who were thin, now i'm jealous of everyone who's able to eat or drink normally! of all the crazy, stupid things i have done in my life, i think this by far tops them all. i really hate myself right now.

HI KYM, i am sorry that u r feeling this way.. do something u really enjoy.. go see a friend.. drive around.. listen to ur fav music.. give it a few more days.. and u will be jus fine.. do not hate urself.. u did what u thought was best for you..

Kym, I doubt if anything I have to say will be anything new, or will make you feel better. This surgery should only be undertaken by people who want to change the quality of their lives for the better, and to regain health. It is for morbidly obese people, most of whom will have significant comorbidities -- diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, etc. Moreover, these candidates should have a history of trying to lose weight on their own with little or no success. Your first job was to determine if you fit that profile. In going into this surgery, you should have felt an almost desperate desire to feel better about yourself -- be able to move without pain and/or shortness of breath, being able to enjoy the relationships in your life, WANTING to live differently. If this is how you truly felt than it is now time for you to accept the responsibility of using this surgery as a TOOL to regaining health, longevity of life, and quality of life. Is not being able to use a straw for the rest of your life really such a loss in the face of what you stand to gain? I had my surgery the day before yours. No one could have prepared me for the pain, and the recovery period the first few days. I regretted it; I told my husband I had made a terrible mistake. BUT I DID THE WORK. I got up and walked; and walked; and walked; I am walking almost 2 miles a day right now and that is something I have never been able to do in my life. I MISSED FOOD, still do. I crave my old favorites and look forward to the day when I will be able to enjoy those foods again. IN MODERATION. You will be able to eat again. But you must do the work now to get well. If you don't, things will get worse for you. Concentrate on getting well, feeling better -- and MOVING. In a few short days, you will feel incredibly different than you do right now. Be at peace with your decision and go with it. You deserve to lose weight, to feel better, to enjoy life. God bless and take good care of yourself. Maureen

Kym, Sorry to hear things aren't going well. Each of us is different in our recovery and you can't go by what you read of other's successes. I think sometimes the ones who are feeling more like you don't post on the boards becuase they don't want to appear negative. I think you first need to go back and read what you wrote under comments on your profile - remind yourself about why you thought it was so important to do this. Then focus on the future. Think of all the great things you'll be able to do with you husband and your son. Think about how great you'll look and feel. Also - remember - you will get back to the point where you can eat normal food again - just a lot less of it. Focus on the future, that's what I'm trying to do. I just got out of the hospital yesterday and am still in a lot of pain, but know it will be worth it in the end. Gail

Hi Kym, Listen, you ARE typical, in a way (I mean that to sound better than it does!). There are a LOT of reports of people going into depressions after this surgery. It's really a chemical thing more than anything else. Your hormones are all wacky, you may have started your period right after surgery as some women do, and finally endorphins play a huge role in this surgery. We used to get our endorphins going by buying, preparing, and eating food. Now that has been snatched away from us, so where are we supposed to get our high? We have to learn new behaviors to get the endorphins going again, hugging people, spending time with a pet, and exercise! Exercise is a huge one and we're too immobile to really do that just yet. We're not in good enough shape to do aerobics or jog on the treadmill or do most any exercise for 20 solid minutes to really get that heart rate racing. I think what you're feeling is called "Hibernation Syndrome" and it's a real Catch 22. We feel lousy so we isolate or withdraw, and then we feel lousier because we feel alone. We're left with all these swirling thoughts that aren't particularly useful or constructive right now. We don't have the energy and may not even have the will to make positive changes. My suggestion would be to distract yourself with different things. Watch movies, read uplifting books, start a craft project. Do anything that will keep your mind from analyzing this situation. You may not feel physically better until there is absolutely no pain or tenderness and until you have dropped enough weight to give you that hopeful feeling again. Maybe you could take this time to do special things for yourself. Take a short, meditative walk outside if you can. Make a detailed list of all the people you want to see again (or just make sure THEY see YOU) once you reach your goal weight! Go through some regular-size catalogs (online, if you don't have any around) and make a list of some of the things you'll buy! Writing is extremely therapeutic, and I can bet you'll be glad you had a journal of this period once you emerge from this funk. Several months out you will clearly be able to see how far you've come, physically, emotionally. You'll be glad you had a written account of it all. I know everything is difficult physically right now. Heck, you've only been home two weeks! I've been home for three weeks today and I'm just now STARTING to feel human again. I feel like I've been in a hazy fog. My brain doesn't feel as alert; being in this dark house all day in front of the tv doesn't help! It's still anybody's guess whether I'm going to remember not to eat too fast and get too full, or have to lie down for a while because I ate the wrong thing. It WILL get better. Your stomach is super small right now and is just getting used to the feeling of food and liquid. You aren't sure how much you can tolerate - and once you think you know, your stomach seems to change again and react differently. Trust me, we are ALL going through that. We may not post it every day, but we are. We ALL have to remember that we are only competing with ourselves here. We should think back to all our own diet attempts in the past and compare with those! Have you ever lost this much weight in such a short amount of time? I had those same feelings, I pushed myself too much, too hard because I was reading that some people were far more active than I was being. I pulled a muscle in my side as a result and spent an extra week on the couch. Rely on your support system as much as you can. They should be babying you still. Last weekend (two weeks home) I was able to comfortably go to a movie theater. Maybe you could go see something fun this weekend? Keep in touch with us, Kym, because we care about you. We are all the same and yet so different. Don't compare, just share! -Eve

Kym - I had a couple of days of post-op blues, too. It's completely normal. My husband and I were watching the Food Network last night and I wanted to jump through the TV to get to a Ruben sandwich they were showing. I know I'll never again be able to woof down an entire Ruben sandwich again. HOWEVER - I know that I will eventually be able to have a couple of bites of a Ruben (and feel like I've eaten an entire sandwich!), so I'm hanging on to those types of thoughts! Keep in mind - we no longer have our old friend food to comfort us. That's what we've been used to for all our lives. Now that relationship has been somewhat severed. It's an addiction we're learning to give up. It's not going to be easy, but in the end, it'll be worth it. We'll be healthier and happier. Now is a bad time for most of the post-ops. I think everyone has their good and bad moments through this journey. I had the same thoughts you are having - "what the hell have I done to myself - how could I have been so stupid to think I could do this and be successful". These thoughts will pass. You've come so far - just try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there, although it may be dim for you right now. In a couple of months, you'll be on real food and you can have a chip or two to satisfy your craving. I personally can't wait until I get to have that Ruben sandwich!! Hang in there and remember, this is a great place to come and vent and get suggestions and be heard (which is all we need sometimes!). Get a change of scenery - go to a friend's house, take a walk, go to Wal-Mart and walk around, think of all the things you'll be able to do soon. This too shall pass! -Wendy Also - don't get too hung up on how much everyone else is loosing. Don't be a slave to your scale. You will loose at your rate and I will loose at my rate. We may loose faster or slower than some of the folks that list their losses, but stay on track and don't loose hope!

OOooooooooh...a grilled Reuben...one of my top 3 favorite sammiches! (Pre-op I lived on good sammiches...being single, sammiches were one of my 'mainstays'). I wonder how a Reuben would be blenderized...hmm... Kimmer Queen of the Niners, Instigator to All Marchers, High Priestess of Giggles

*glares at Kimmers blender* ...

Oh, don't worry, Mo Fiend...it's not even tempting - for two reasons: 1) I had something yesterday that was 'guaranteed' to be a good first transition to my new blenderized/pureed stage of snarfing. It took me three sittings/meals to get it down, and EEEEEEEeeeaaaaaaaaaarl did NOT like how it felt, and neither did I. I must still be puffy and raw in there. I'm taking this new "slop" stage REAL slow...hey, baby food isn't half bad when ya spice it up! 2) I prefer to save my favorite sammiches for later on down the road when I can eat them in their "natural" form, i.e. solid and crunchy. But boy, when I'm able, a grilled Reuben, a Quiznos Mesquite Chicken with monterey jack, raspberry chipotle and banana peppers, and a Panerra Frontega Chicken sammich are the first three things on my "can FINALLY eat again" list (I really have one...on my 'fridge...just like my pre-op "last meals" list, only different). Kimmer Queen of the Niners, Instigator to All Marchers, High Priestess of Giggles

Kym, I understand that things are hard. I am 24 days post-op and boy I have had a rough time. Unfortunately, I had to go back to the hospital for my pancreas and was there for a week unable to eat anything at all. I could only drink water. At that time, I wondered what was I thinking about having this surgery. At first, the hard times were watching my family eat things such as Tacos and Spaghetti. Now, I can eat with my family (some things) Do I still look at sweets and real fattening foods and wish I was allowed it just ONCE more..OF COURSE!! We have to get to know our bodies all over again. This is a learning process. Rest assured..it gets easier. Sometimes we have to do things to get our minds OFF of eating or sipping out of straws..etc... Maybe if we go on a walk... think about everything you will be able to do in a years time. AMAZING!! My future is what keeps me going for the day. Knowing I will have the self confidence to pursue the things I always wanted to, do the things I couldn't..that is so much more worth the pain I went through and the head hunger. You will get better you just need to give it some time. Bethany AKA Da Offishal Riddler and Bertha 24 Days into NewPouch and feeling great! -28 lbs!!!! Yayyyy A riddle a day will keep the Marchers pounds AWAY!