FEELING ASHAMED AND CONFUSED

As you know, I recently attended a conference in Colorado. I had arranged to share a cab to the conference site with a woman from Pennsylvania whom I had never met before. We found each other at the baggage claim without incident. Almost immediately after exchanging hellos and while waiting for the conveyor belt to begin moving, she began telling me about her awful flight experience. It seems she was seated next to a very large man who, according to her telling of the story, smelled terrible and encroached on her own personal space. "Now I know what those stories about being seated next to fat people on planes are all about. I didn't think I'd live through it!" Of course, I was feeling so conflicted about so many things as she talked. First, that old feeling of panic remembering what it felt like to be that fat person on a plane; remember seeing the dread cross the faces of people as they worried that I would occupy the empty seat next to them. I also felt enraged as I listened to this woman, all 120 lbs of her as she spoke so unkindly of this man. And I marveled that she would tell me this story as if I was not fat myself. I found myself thinking that she must see me as normal-sized and how can that be? How can people see me as anything but obese? And although I wanted to scream at this woman that she had no idea the pain that man was in and that she had no right to judge him so harshly, I stood there and listened, affecting gestures of sympathy for her ordeal. How could I have done that? Why didn't I say something? Why don't I know how to handle these situations, still? What would you have done? Thanks for listening. Maureen

Being a former biggirl...that talk irratates me to no end...I fell bad for the man...I would knowing how I am would of just said... he problably cant help it, cut him some slack and be on my way...some people are just too shallow.

Howdy Pardner; I don't know what I'd do in the same situation. I'm sure that the woman's response is based on ignorance more than anything else. I guess that educating the ignorant is the answer, but how do we do that?? In a situation like that, I tend to get angry and I fear that any response I make would be counter-productive and just send the ignorant woman on her way thinking of me as a nasty A.H.!! Having been the fat guy, I can feel his pain, yet I can also see the other side of the coin. Nobody likes having a stranger invading their personal space. This is one of the reasons that I was so unhappy traveling on public transport in the "bad old days". It's just one more burdon of the morbidly obese and one more reason to celebrate "normalcy". I'm sorry that I don't have the answer, Maureen, but I probably would have reacted the same way. I'm not proud to say this, but I'm not a confrontational person by nature. Mike

Reenie, In all fairness, I don't know what I would have done in that situation, given that you had to ride in a cab with the woman. Sometimes I fire off and give all the medical reasons for obesity and ask if the person makes derogatory comments based on race or religion also. Sometimes if I think the person is too stupid to open their mind and I'm feeling frisky, I just find something to pick on them about, which makes me look like a 12 year old. With the most innocent of expressions, I start my non-stop questioning. "Wow, I bet you could really relate to how that fat guy felt seeing that you must be wearing a size 15 shoe and you probably had a tough time getting those boats down the aisle. It must be very tough for people like you and the fat guy, huh? So where does a person like you with such big feet buy shoes anyway? Do you get teased about your feet a lot? I bet kids picked on you when you were in school, huh?" Sometimes I just say nothing more than, "It really is a pity that we're not all perfect." Sometimes, like last week in a similar situation in class, I just come out and tell people that I used to weigh 130 pounds more than I do now and talk about what it feels like to be ignored, excluded, teased and what a lonely disease obesity can be. That's actually the most effective. I say my spiel without anger or hurt, I just state the facts. Interestingly enough, after this class, the heavier people in class smiled and walked away, but lots of thin people came up and asked a ton of well-meant questions. I expected people to ask how I had lost the weight, but not one single person did. I really do think that a lot of "normal" people have questions and are curious about what would cause a person to become so heavy, but they don't know who to ask. Remember that the stupid misconception that heavy people are just lazy and have no will power is still running rampant. And sometimes, my dear Reenie, I say nothing. Sometimes I'm just too tired to take on every battle that comes my way. You don't have to educate every last idiot that crosses your path, you just have to remember where you come from, and you do. You're smart and intuitive and you probably sensed that it wasn't the right time or place and there probably wasn't much you could do to enlighten this woman anyway. One last comment... Years ago I was on a plane with my father, traveling across country. My father is deaf and often people watch when we talk with our hands. A man in the seat next to me leans over and says something about deaf and dumb people, how he resents paying his tax dollars to support them and how lucky my father was to have me take care of him and help him. My father reads and writes 8 languages, has traveled the globe with no help from me or anyone else, has written several books and sports a Phd behind his name. I interpreted this for my dad and got ready to fire off at the guy. Instead, Dad says to me, "Leave it alone. Sometimes the only thing a person has is their own misguided sense of superiority and if that's all they have to make them feel good, you need to leave it intact." Hugs, Connie

Connie, My daughter is a huge advocate of the deaf and hard of hearing culture. She is fluent in sign language and is taking education of the deaf and hard of hearing as her college major. Her goal is to become nationally certified in ASL, teach, and maybe do some work in deaf theater. She also has a temper to beat the band. That guy would not have made it off the plane alive. As far as Reenie's cab mate, I think it's the same thing. People DO need to be educated in the fact that obesity is a disease, not unlike any other disease. Speaking of the airport, we were taking the shuttle to get our rental car and a very heavy man gets into the shuttle bus. He attempted to sit on the high part where you put your baggage, as that was the only place left to sit. This guy tried every bit of his strength to hoist himself up, but to no avail. He blushed, smiled and just stood there and waited. By the time I got to the rental car, I was almost in tears...my heart really went out to him. The BASIC STATEMENT is this: IF IT WERE SO EASY TO 'JUST LOSE WEIGHT' THEN THERE WOULD BE NO HEAVY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. The more the word gets out, the more we do to educate people as to what being obese means and why people are obese, the better off we'll all be. And that's all I have to say about that..... Hugz to all, Joanie

several thoughts come to mind- are any of them the "correct" response-no this was a business trip? so you were on best behavior to represent self in a good way..btdt--12 years as a Girl Scout leader caused me some uncomfy times! you had not YET shared the cab...so cost wise you could have hurt yourself ethically- gosh reenie--you listened-she wanted to vent-mission accomplished...mike IS right that we need to educate ppl but who are we to do it and when/ where is the right place?what other reprecussions would have ensued- what good or bad conversation would have followed? maybe we should wear a sign-saying i have had gastric bypass suregry- i am a former fattie- do NOT tell me about the fat ppl who bother you...etc...nah....we have more empathy and sincerity than that...after all, we HAVE btdt..... don't beat yourself up.... and furthermore-you are now slender and normal and so she had no clue....YOU my dear need to start realizing that you are now not obese!!!!! yes- your head and heart may always be..... i don't have an answer for you- i often am confronted with this question myself and i struggle with it and pray.... this would be a wonderful round table discussion for an OH conference or a few support group sessions-with or w/out professionals..... and when someone gets an answer please clue me in!!!!!! iloveya!

an addendum: after i posted i read connie's reply--wow- her dad is so on cue!!! i liked that! reenie- you are human and we all have those pains.....don't beat yourself up.....

i agree with all of the above. reenie don't beat yourself up. your a good person. you have empathy for the heavy person that skinny person sat next too. you've been there done that. pity the skinny one. she's the one with the real issues. i do not know what i would do if i was in a situation like that. for sure i'd be uncomfortable about listening to someone down another no matter what they were picking out to down that person about. wether its weight, hair color, clothing, anything it would bug me. and i too would worry about how i handled it. unfortuanately we were seen as being lazy, ignorant, stupid, sloppy, all those negative things. the good things i would hear about me back there were you have such a great sense of humor! glad i kept that! or i bet your a good cook! geesh I can't cook worth you know what. Oh sure I make great desserts but regualr meals ug. thats one thing i really like about what i eat now! easy meals. slap a piece of chicken 1/2 a baked potate some carrots i'm good to go. then there are the helpful people who tell me that if i jus****ched what i ate then i'd lose the weight. hahahaha Oh Pleahuaseeeeee! my food adicition is now helped with my pouch tool. that and my big fear of gaining. right now i plan on paying more attention to what goes on around me with this. it has me thinking on how i will handle it if it should come up.

I can't add more than what everyone else had. I agree that there is a time and a place to protest such ignorant comments. Like Connie, sometimes I'm just too exhausted to fight the battle. There are so many people and so little time. Me? I have a big mouth so I have to hold myself back most of the time. But there are those days where I would have just nodded and moved on. I also can see both sides sometimes as well, but always lean to sympathy for the fat person. In fact, although I might be uncomfortable, I might tend to try to choose to be the one to sit next to that fat person just so they have someone sympathetic next to them. I think the bigger issue (pun not intended) is that in today's day and age the seats just need to have more room. They always were too close to begin with....regardless of size. They don't leave any elbow room for normal size folks, so when you have a little extra girth, it causes an uncomfortable situation for both the folks who are large and for those sitting next to them. Maybe rather than charging people for 2 seats, the airlines should make their seats bigger so they can accomodate normal size people in comfort. Dina

Damn, Dina, I so agree with you. If it were possible to convince the airlines to expand their seats without expanding their charges, I'd be on that picket line!