I have a question????????

Hey folks, I need some help with this one... I have a son, a senior in Highschool, who will be 18 in June. He has already stated that on the day of my surgery he wants to go to class as normal. Part of me understands that he will be bored stiff, sitting waiting for my surgery to be over. But the other part of me wants my family by my side. He doesn't like hospitals, but name one of us that would choose to have our next birthday party there!! In the last 3 years he has stood at the foot of a hospital bed and watched both of my parents die of congestive heart failure. He was their only grandchild and they had a very, very close relationship. My Dad passed, 3 years and 4 months ago, and my Mom passed exactly 3 years to the DAY after my Dad, so she's only been gone 4 months. Very fresh memories for both of us. Neither death was what you would call "peaceful". My brother and I had to make the decision to disconnect our Mom from the machines she was connected too, that were keeping her alive. I say that, to possibly illustrate my son's mind set. What do you all think? Va 13 sunrise until my new life begins!!

You know, I think I'd give him a break and let him go to school. Being a kid even though he is old enough to realize that he didn't cause the deaths of his grandparents, he probably internalizes it and may feel he jinxes things. At this point in kids' lives I think they need to be given a little slack. Emotions run high for teens anyway - this might just be too much for him to cope with. That being said, I also understand how you want family there. Do you think he would be okay to come see you after your surgery for a brief time? Maybe that would be a good compromise. ??? Dina

Hey Dina, I know his visiting after surgery would not be a problem. I just wondered if I should insist that he be there before and during. My hubby recently had his gallbladder removed via a Lap procedure, and our son stayed at home. It was out-patient surgery and we were in and out in about 2 1/2 hours, no big deal. In my mind this surgery is different. Va

I'm with Dina. You are going to be asleep anyway. Perhaps you can bargain with him to come see you after school. By then you will be awake to talk to him and you can reassure each other that, unlike your experience with losing parents, you are at the worst point getting better. Most of all, whatever you decide, encourage him to talk about his feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong--they just are. His fear of losing you is an expression of love--try to accept it that way. The most important thing is that you both know you are loved by the other. I want my husband there for me before surgery and when I wake up. My daughter and some friends will be there too, and I am glad, mostly for his sake. The time in surgery is much harder on familly members, than on the patient! Joy (3/1)

I don't have kids (don't let my Nada and Lambie Pie hear that...), so take my opinion for what it's worth. I am however extremely 'good' with kids...The Aunt They Never Had And The Sister Their Parents Never Wanted... I concur with Dina and Joy. I don't know many kids that want to hang around in a hospital, much less see one of their parents suffer (or what they perceive to be suffering). No one likes seeing their parents ill, and a hospital is such a de-sensitizing place that it only amplifies that. Add to that the experience with his grandparents, and you've got an alright poker hand, but not a good emotional experience for a kid. I also agree that he could come see you afterward...that's a fair and reasonable compromise. That'd be 'no skin off his back', and may be the easiest on him. You'll have him there, and he'll feel like he fulfilled "his" obligation to be there. If none of that works, let me know where he'll be and I'll come and grab him by the collar, drag him to your room, and staple-gun his toes to the floor next to your bed. Nah, let him make his own decision on it. But tell him that you're LETTING him make his decision, that you're 'empowering' him to do what he feels he can deal with (don't use the word empowering...he'll think you've taken Dale Carnegie or sumpin'...). My nieces/nephs NEVER EVER wanted to miss a day of school for ANYTHING. It's good to have kids like that, instead of the alternate, ya know? Besides, school may be his comfort zone, or his safe place, and he may deal better emotionally being in that familiar surrounding while his Mom is being operated. JMHO. Kimmer Queen of the Niners, Instigator to all Marchers, High Priestess of Giggles Zero-minus-20 days and counting!

Hello. Here is my two cents. Let him go to school. But, advise the school office staff that you are having surgery, and that he will be called out in an emergency. He may be scared and not sure how to deal with his feelings. By keeping everything normal with him at school, he can feel better about the situation therefor not stressing out and be a better help to you when you get home. My husband will be with me, but my Mom, who is a nurse, is having to stay home with my 2 yr old daughter. I desperatly want her with me, but I know my daughter needs some normalcy in her life too, so my Mom needs to stay with her. There it is, two cents worth, well, maybe four or five....:0) Cathy

i think i would definitly let him have his way. he is old enough to understand that you want him there and all, but maybe he's just really scared and doesnt want to show it. he's probably trying to brave for you, but on the inside its freaking him out. look at all the times he's been in the hospitals and bad things have happened. he just doesnt want anything bad to happen to you. you know nothing bad will happen to you...but does he? and im sure he'll be there rooting you on the minute you get home. you are both in my prayers....hugs and kisses Love ya Kimmie

Hi VA, Here is my two cents worth too. I pretty much agree with everybody else on here about this issue. I think that as a kid (even a senior) your biggest fear is losing your mom or your dad. I feel that if you force him to be at the hospital with you that will only increase his fear. Especially in light of the recent losses of both grandparents. If he can keep things as normal as possible then that will help to alleviate his fears. I understand how much you want him with you but I don't think that his not wanting to be there is meant to make you feel like he's doesn't love you or is not standing by you. I just think that this is the best way for him to deal with his fears. I agree that a good compromise would be to ask him to come to see you after he gets out of school. I also agree with Kimmer in that you should tell him you are "letting" him decide. If he feels he has a choice in the matter he just might surprise you at the last minute and decide to go with you. I wouldn't count on that happening, but it could. Some people are able to handle situations like this and want to be there for their family members. But some people just don't handle things like this well. With the recent deaths of his grandparents I don't think I would force him to sit at the hospital all day because you could alienate him. My prayers are with you! CCQC

I am scheduled the same day as you. I have 2 daughters and I've asked them not to come because I don't want them to worry. Also, the surgery is scheduled for 7:30 a.m. they are coming after I get out of recovery. I guess I don't want them to worry about me. I believe it's my job to worry about them. Thanks for the count down. Best Wishes

We all seem to concur for him to make the decision. But might I suggest that someone call the school after the surgery to get a message to him that everything is ok? I remember being a young child in school while my mom was at the hospital having surgery and I worried all day. That would take the worry away as well so he could be the best that he can be once he knows that everything went fine.