Fears

So, I thought maybe I would list out my fears.... Sometimes when I confront them head on, they lose their power. #1 on my list is, of course, death. I'm not afraid of death, per se, I'm afraid of leaving my 13 year old son motherless. The risk of this is lower with the surgery than without, but It will definitely be sooner if I die from the surgery. Just in case, I plan to write him a letter letting him know why I did what I did, and telling him all the things he needs to know with me gone. It will be very hard, but I'll feel better going into surgery knowing that letter is there, in case the worst happens. #2. Losing my hair. Silly, isn't it? Of all the horrible things that could happen, this one freaks me out more than anything save death. I'm hair dependent I guess. Probably because my hair has been my best feature for so long now - I've spent years nurturing and growing it down to my waist. I love my golden locks. I need to make sure to take some kind of supplement to guard against this possibility. #3. Excessive Vomiting. Yuck. Just yuck. The thought of having a meal and then just puking it up for no real apparent reason scares me. You have then lost the nutrients you needed - do you have to eat again just after that? Would you even feel like eating again after you've puked your guts out? I doubt it. I'm sure this will happen - I hope it doesn't happen often. #4. Ulcers & Hernias & GallStones, Oh My! Complications. Massive amounts of surgerys to correct things that go wrong as a direct result of WLS. Time off work, will the insurance cover it? Will it make my quality of life worse than it was before WLS? I have no mitigation for this one - I wish I did. #5. Loss of 'self'. Will I be the same 'me'? We develop a lot of mechanisms to cope with our extra poundage. Sense of humor being first and foremost for me. (Although you wouldn't know it from THIS morbid post). I would hate to lose that. I really don't think I will - I've lost weight many many times and never felt like I wasn't 'me'. But, it's enough of a fear to list here. I think I'm done... 5 fears. Not too bad, actually..... What am I forgetting?

Hey Linda... You're not alone when it comes to those 5 fears. I think death is on the top of eveybodies list. Even though we don't want to think it we can't help it. God is Good and he will see all of us through this. Him and his will wrap their wings around us when we go under. Try not to worry and put all your faith and trust in God. The hair loss issue is another for everybody. All we can do to keep it from falling flat off of our heads (like Joy said) is to make sure we are getting our vitamins, nutrients, and protein in. 302lbs/27 days in counting

Wow! That is quite a list. For the hair thing. Get to GNC and get some hair, nails, skin vitamins. You need to make sure that there is zinc, biotin, copper, manganese in them. Start making sure you get plenty of protein each day now. (I'm doing a protein shake / day in addition to trying to eat right). Start back with the protein powder as soon as your doctor will let you and get in 60 gms / day at least in at least 3 "meals". For the gallstones... ask that they remove your gall bladder at the same time. Your last one is interesting. I think we will all find people reacting to us differently. I expect to enjoy that, but with it will come some anger at the prejudice that has been directed at us for so long. The real question is if we will allow it to change us. Hopefully any changes I make will be toward being more understanding and less judgmental. As far as humor goes, I think that may well be the best tool in surgery recovery. Thanks for making me think on this... Joy (3/1)

Hi Joy, I wanted to comment on the especially interesting last part of your reply. A few years ago I went back on some medicine that I'd taken a few years before and this time, inexplicably, it caused me to lose my appetite entirely. It worked perfectly for what I was primarily taking it for, and along with that came this amazing side effect! Long story short, I really think it was a prep for me to take this step which I had been researching for a couple of years at that point. Food and eating was just NOT on my radar at all. I could sit in a restaurant with friends, completely uninterested in the food, and have great conversation. I didn't think about food or miss it at all! As I said, I really believe that this was a test-run of sorts for this big step. The loss of appetite caused me to drop 90 pounds in 8 months. I didn't even start exercising until I got down to 190 because I just couldn't move well. After that I did some works with weights, a little walking and aerobics, and some floor exercises to tone up. I got down to 165 and I felt AMAZING. I felt powerful - like my old self! I felt unapologetic and I wasn't afraid to say what I felt for fear of being called (or even thought of as) an obnoxious, fat girl. Isn't it interesting how people seem to tolerate the most offensive behavior as long as a person is "easy on the eyes"? Well, the point is, I started getting a lot more attention and respect - from everyone. And I absolutely did have resentful feelings about that. I knew I deserved it, but I also knew that I was the same person at 250 that I was at 165. (Yes, I felt better and healthier and more self-assured, but I was basically the same person!) I found myself dismissing guys in disgust who wanted my attention - guys I knew would have mocked me a mere eight months earlier. I think this is a process many of us may have to go through. I think it's a fire we have to just walk through. I think that courage and getting comfortable with ourselves and the way the world will react to us as thinner people will just take the time it takes. But I do believe the resentment will lessen as we forget. Memory, and the fading thereof, can be a real blessing. Love, Katarina And of course, the appetite returned after about eighteen months and over the course of the next year I put all the weight back on. This was another preparatory lesson for me to get those behaviors in place so that they will STAY in place long-term!

Hi Linda, It's good that you can narrow your fears down like this and you sound like me.. I have to put everything in it's place so to speak and then it doesn't seem so bad.... The death fear.. we all have it and since you have to ASK and FIGHT for this surgery I think we are conditioned to think if the surgery kills us then it was our own fault.. Well it's not and besides you can't be thinking of negative things.. it will slow your recovery.. I am all for the letter writing and please don't think of it as a "goodbye" letter just you telling him all of the things you want him to know and won't come up in a conversation with a 13yr old boy (Imagine the eye rolling.. ) I wrote a "note" to my nephew on his graduation and 18pages later Ihad to stop.. I didn't get my surgery but gave him the letter anyways and he cried like a baby and put it away with his most prized possesions... so it's worth it to do it... OK Losing your hair.. That's a toughy.. If you are very dilligent with the vitamins and your protein you won't necessarily lose your hair... not everyone does and it's temporary.. Besides.. You're gonna be HOT maybe you'll want a new hairstyle for a new you!!!!!! The Vomiting thing... I have heard it's different for post ops.. the food just comes up as it went in.. it's not pukey smelling or anything.. OK so that was gross but I have heard it As for the Hernias and all that... Most surgeons take out the gallbladder routinely and some don't ... Just ask.. as for the hernias and what not.. it could happen as a result of being obese anyway......Hope for the best.. be positive... some ppl never have another single problem!!!!! As for losing your self.. I bet some ppl will say you have changed and I think some changes are inevitable.. You'll have confidence and higher self esteem and more pride and energy!!!! In short... You're gonna be fine.. You're gonna be healthy and happy!!! Kathy Angel of Kimmer

Hi Linda, Boy, I sure to identify with all the fears you listed. I think that the death fear is there for all of us. For me though I don't feel like I'm really living right now with all this weight. I do fear leaving my children behind at such young ages but I believe that God will bring us through this and that my children will have a better mother because of this surgery. I am not really too concerned about the hair loss. I have heard most people say that you lose enough hair that it thins out but you don't lose it all. And they also tell me that it is temporary and after a few months it starts coming back in strong again. I think it just has to adjust to the changes in our bodies. My hair is so thick I will probably be thankful that it's thinner for awhile! One of the ladies in my support group described vomiting after surgery as being like a little spit up "erp" that a baby has. She said it doesn't really hurt (once the pain of the surgery is gone) and she said that since you have no bile in that part of your stomach you don't get that nasty taste in your mouth. I'm sure it differs for each person but that is what she told me it's like for her. Most Docs will take your gallbladder out while they are in there if you ask them to. I think the ulcers and hernias are a possible complication of just being MO and not just from the surgery. So you risk it by just living . About being the same "you". Do you really want to be the "same" you? I think you will be able to keep the things you like and get rid of the things you don't like. If you didn't want some changes in "you" you wouldn't be having this surgery done. I think you will be a better you after surgery. You won't be bound up by a lot of the issues that we have to deal with as MO people. I think my biggest fear (after the death fear) is how I will handle things that I now handle by eating. Will I find better ways to cope with things since I can't "eat them away" or will I just develop other "addictions" to deal with issues? I think that I need to make a list of things that I can do when I get bored or stressed other than eating. I think it will take time to develop new habits of dealing with these emotions and I hope that I can develop healthy ways to do that. I also fear "failing"! I keep thinking that I will be that one person that the surgery doesn't work for. Then I really will be on the bottom because I see this as my "last hope". If this doesn't work then I'm just screwed! It's a little scary to be taking the step that you know is the last one there is. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that maybe I should try "one more" diet or "one more" pill. But I know that they won't work and it will be a waste of my time. We all know the lies of weight loss products. "Just drink your water, eat these herbs and eat lots of food and you will see the weight just fall off!" YEAH RIGHT! That is the ad I heard on the radio on the way home tonight. I think the thing we all have to do is to keep our eye on that goal post. Our goal is to have a healthier, happier life. Are there risks involved? Yes. Are they worth it? For me yes, but everyone has to decide that for themselves. Personally, my risks of dying if I stay MO is much higher than the risks of the surgery. It's normal to have fears. This is a big step we are all taking. Just don't let them overwhelm you. (Sorry, didn't mean to preach at you! My goodness I got long winded!!) You have LOTS and LOTS of prayers from the people on this board. There will be so many people praying for you the day of your surgery and you will have so many angels assisting your Dr.'s that you will come out with flying colors hollering "GIVE ME DRUGS!" and then they will give you the happy drugs and you will be sleeping like a baby! God bless! You are in my prayers! CCQC

Ah yes, thank you for adding those, Carrie.. Those are good ones.. Fear of Failure is also a big one for me. What if I find some way to 'cheat' and sabotage myself once again? I think once you get to the point of doing something this drastic, all thought of 'cheating' and 'sabotage' are pretty well surpressed. Once I see the kind of weight loss I can acheive I will be pretty motiviated to move it along. I always did the best when I acheived results. I too have started thinking about the things I will do when eating is no longer an option. I'm a big comfort eater - eat when I'm bored, or restless, or sad, or happy. "I love food because food loves me". No matter what happens in my life, food can make me feel better - (for about 10 minutes while I wolf it down). So, that life pattern being shattered now - here's my plan. 1. Take a ceramics class. 2. Learn to play the harp. 3. Play my guitar more. 4. Paint. Things to keep my hands busy, where they would have otherwise been shoveling food into my mouth. I also thought of one more fear. Wow, I'm up to 8 now, including the two you mentioned. And that is, what will happen when I'm 85? in the long term. We are pioneers - there really isn't anyone 40 years out. My mitigation on this fear (I'm all about fear mitigation!) is that at least now I have a better chance of actually seeing 85. I'm so glad I found this place. I feel very comfortable here. Thanks Everyone Linda