I NEED YOU GUYS

Connie, you've kept us all together lately, thank you. I've been away from the board for several reasons, one of which is certainly my struggle with food. I feel as if I'm letting you down and so I stay away. Bottom line is this board has been my lifeline, my family for over two years -- TWO YEARS -- and I need you. Here's some of what I'm wrestling with lately and I share only in the hopes that my thoughts might provide some clarity for someone else. I am just beginning to work with a therapist on several issues in the hopes that I can resolve some of the mess I find my life in these days. Something we've been talking about lately is grieving loss -- in all its forms -- and the stages we must go through before we can achieve personal behavioral change. There are three critical stages that must be processed before change of behavior and detrimental habits can occur: first, is denial; second, is acknowledgement; third, and most important, is acceptance. We cannot change until we accept our life cir****tances for what they are -- events that have shaped the person we have become. Only when we reach the point of acceptance can we move on. Here's a for instance to which you may be able to relate: I am grieving the loss of the way my body responded to this surgery during the first year...I was never physically hungry, I was freed from the burden of overeating to satisfy a hunger that could never be satisfied. During my first year as a post-op (and I know I speak for pretty much all of us), I lived the miracle of being hunger-free. This is no longer the case -- and I have ACKNOLWLEDGED this fact for several months; but I am only just now ACCEPTING it. Identifying something for what it is is not enough; ("I am hungry all the time now! Why isn't my pouch working any more?") Accepting cir****tances is the critical point of departure for change ("My pouch no longer guarantees that I will never be hungry again. I am hungry again. And that's okay. Now I can deal with it.") I hope this makes sense. I experienced tremendous trauma as a child and I need to finally work through the process of ACCEPTING my loss of childhood, my loss of adolescence - I have only always been able to ACKNOWLEDGE the facts of my childhood cir****tances but I have never been able to move on - I think I might be working toward that, finally, and I hope this process will free me just a little bit from my compulsions, which I use to soothe my tremendous feelings of sadness associated with loss...do the work, folks. I know some of you might not agree with the whole therapy thing and that's perfectly okay. I only hope that it will provide me with some relief, and if I can help myself, I will be in a better position to be here for you -- for as long as you'll have me. Take care, my friends. Take good care. Love, Reenie

You are so strong, Friend! You are right on track -- and you have found a therapist that is guiding you through to resolution. No therapist can do it for you--you have to do the work yourself. And I see that you are well down that path. There's no question but what it is a painful journey, but I sense that you are in the worst of it. Don't turn back now! It is amazing the emotional and spiritual trials and growth journeys that we have been through over the last 2 years. I don't think any of us expected this, but when I think that maybe we should try to prepare classes of Marchers, I realize that there is no way they can understand--like us, it is all they can do to deal with the immediate challenge. There is no turning back--onward and upward! Let's continue to hang together! Joy

Hi Reenie, Guess What, I need you too!! I think we all are fighting with these same issues, some of us differently than others, But, I agree you are on the right tract. I am not as strong as all of you think I am & have been consoling a lot of my loss with food as well. Even though I have not gained a lot back. I am also dealing with not ever being full. I can eat all day, if I let myself & it scares me to death. I never got even close to goal & plan to talk to my surgeon about that in 2 weeks. I feel that I truly need a revision of my original surgery. (he probably won't agree) but It is worth a shot, anyway. Reenie you are doing the right thing. Accepting the way things are, is very true & we have to do that to continue to survive. Hang tough my friend & as you all said I NEED THIS BOARD, It is still the only support I have. Things are better in my life, but, I still do not have my dogs with me & that is tearing me apart. I no they are fine, (i saw them today), but it still is very hard on me. It looks like the only way I can get them back is to go back with my Ex & I am for sure not ready to do that. I do pretty good with my food choices until night time & that is when the darn grazing starts & does not usually stop till I hit the bed. For the life of me do not know why I do that. I will still be around, even, if you get tire of hearing about my troubles. I will still be here. LOL Marilyn, the Bearlady

Reenie, this "Back ON Track" program I have been going to is kind of like going to a therapist . There are six of us, plus our leaders. We have all had the surgery and we discuss the problems in our lives, not just the weight issues. We are working on a whole new way of thinking. It has been good for all of us. This programs ends tomorrow night and I know I will have to join Weigh****chers or some other group that will make me accountable for what I'm eating. If I know I'm going to face the scale every week I'll do better !! And I will always be on here checking out how all of my friends are doing. And asking for your help !! Judy

Like we talked about the other day, Maureen.... we need to stick together on this journey. I really believe that the most successful people are the ones who are wise enough to seek out support as well as lend it. I'm in total agreement that therapy is beneficial. Let's face it, most of us got here because of dysfunctional relationships with food. I go through periods of starvation and then periods when I could care less about food. Unfortunately, the "care less" periods are not as frequent as the times when I could eat my own head. We're here and ready to continue on your journey with you. Love ya, Connie

Hi Maureen; I think that it's safe to say that we all need one another if we are going to make this journey a success in the long run. I too miss the "no hunger" times, but we need to move on and take control. Of course, it's easy to say and really tough to do!! I hope that your time with the therapist is helpful for you. My one experience with therapy netted mixed results. I did very little for my weight issues, but it was a tremendous help in dealing with anger problems I was having with my older daughter. She was going through some rough times and was doing a great job of pushing all of my buttons. While I thankfully never laid a hand on her, I laid a few "verbal barrages" on her which bordered on the abusive!! the therapist definitely helped me with those issues. Good luck, my friend, and keep in touch. Mike

Reenie, Hey I am right there with you!! I have started getting sick again when I eat sugar, since my TT don't know why but it is happening again, but before that I could eat 5 oatmeal cakes if I wanted too. I have started a new diet and I am hunger all the time. I get soooo depressed, I am doing the diet with a girlfriend and she has more will power than I do and she had not had WLS. I am scared too. My neice brought over a picture of me from 4 years ago and oh my god!!!!! I had no idea how big I really was and soooo swollen looking. Anyway you are not alone and that is why I keep coming back to this board. You guys seem like the only ones who understand. I hate when I see people and they say, wow you are getting there? Whats that suppose to mean have I not lost enough weight yet? I will never be a size 5 and I can live with that but other people think because we had the surgery we should be. You and everyone are in my thoughts. Rhen

Maureen - I started with therapy the fall before my surgery - not because of it, but because of the mess I felt I was. Through the last 2 1/2 years I feel like I've almost done a 180. No, I have not attained perfection. And some of the things that caused me distress still do (my clutter/inability to keep organized). It doesn't completely change everything you hate about yourself, but often you will find that the things that distress you the most you may not even recognize until therapy. I too have been able to acknowledge most of the crap I went through as a kid. What I didn't know was how that connected to some of the things that caused me the most distress. Yet, I didn't even recognize the things that caused me the most distress. I was putting it on little things that fingered out from the big things. I will give you an example. I never felt like I was a "nice" person. I knew I cared deeply about people but I also realized I could be biting or harsh at times. Sometimes I would confront people on things I felt they were being unjust in. All I knew is that I didn't want to be perceived as the consumate ***** I felt that was my lot in life. I also felt like if I didn't stand up to all the wrongs in life, no one would. I felt it was my duty to confront people who were doing wrong to others. But no one could see the good person I was inside. So one day I was reading something about narcolepsy and there was this branch off that problem that seemed to be what I had been experiencing for years. I knew it was always when I was confronting someone when I didn't feel like I wanted to. I had to force myself into that place where I called them on their wrong-doing. Then I would get lightheaded and things would start to go black. I felt like I was almost going to pass out. I thought this was something everyone experienced until I laughingly mentioned it to my friend in a "you know when this happens...." vein. When she blankly stared and me and said "no..." I knew there was a problem. So back to this narcolepsy thing - it sounded identical to what I was experiencing. It was there explained as a seizure of sorts. I took it to my counselor and told her that this was what I was experiencing all along and demanded to know why no one had ever put that together. (I had mentioned it numerous times to several doctors) So she started asking questions. When did I experience this: during confrontations. How did I feel about the confrontation: like I wanted to run away. I didn't want to go through with it but felt required to. When was one of the early experiences I had when being in a confrontation: related an experience in high school where I went to bat for a friend. Then the big question: Why did I feel the need to do that? That was when the tears just came out of no where. And it was funny how it hooked on. I was fine explaining it until I got to the end of the statement. And that was that I was coming to her rescue because no one ever did that for me. So there it was. I felt utterly unprotected, and the people who should have protected me (i.e. my dad) not only didn't do that, but then blamed me for the problems that I had encountered. This put me into convulsive sobs for the rest of the afternoon. But it was a good thing. It was a "good" cry. Hard to explain for someone who never experienced it, but it was letting it all out. It was like I was vomiting out a poison. Unpleasant to do it, but I felt better with every convulsion. Once I discovered this little nugget - this little tiny piece of the huge puzzle, the rest started falling into place. Almost as if I changed overnight, I suddenly found myself not feeling as strong an urge to correct all wrongs. I would have a very slight kneejerk reaction, but almost as quick as that came on I would hear a voice in my head say "No. You don't need to champion this cause. It can resolve itself." And I would move on. And instead of feeling anxious because I didn't do anything about it, I felt a huge sense of relief. People noticed. My friends and family noticed. But more importantly my co-workers noticed. Everyone thought it had to do with my weight loss. I had to laugh because they thought I was just happier and more content. But it was so much more than that - and so much more complex....yet simple. It took awhile to get to that "Ah-ha" moment, but when I found that key it was as if it was an overnight change. It was incredible and made a huge believer out of me. I continue with therapy and feel like it has given me so much perspective on so many things. I'm a much happier person today. Part of that is the weight loss. But most of that is the peace I've discovered from being able to let go of some of the compulsive behaviors that consumed me for years. I just happened to benefit from them around the same time period. So look forward to this. Some days will seem fruitless and you'll wonder why you are sitting talking about the weather. Other days you will see how perhaps such an insignificant thing as the weather might hold the key to your sense of well being. Therapy with the wrong person can lead absolutely nowhere. So don't feel bad about trying to find someone who you feel is able to help you. What works for one person doesn't for the next. I went through several counselors before I found one that could help me ferret this out. But there is someone out there who can help you. I know it. Dina

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Reenie you are not the only one that feel like this. I think we all are going thru rough moments. After the 2 years from our surgery we are all scare to gain back our old weight. We all are getting out old memories that we were used to hide eatting.But know we are eatting and taking care of what we all eat and when we eat.If we are really hungry or we are eatting because we are bored.Thank you Reenie you are our leader always. I will always be reading your posts.God bless you all.