Hi this is about depression after the surgery, pls read and let me know

When I came back home from the surgery I to was all alone, one of my friends who said he would help me decided that he would flake on me as soon as I was home. I was supposed to have stayed with my aunt who had the surgery and is a RN. She had to be hospitalized because she ate some bad ham while working at a disaster with Red Cross. I will never forget how I felt coming home from the hospital, it was the most dreaded feeling I have ever felt in my life! I had this infinite unyielding loneliness in my heart. I have always had depression from being overweight and being abused as a child, I still carry a whole lot of baggage! But, I falsely believed that this procedure was the cure all for all my issues and depression! The euphoric I felt from being approved for the surgery and my false feeling that this was what I needed to do to be happy, only clouded my ability to not loose touch with reality. You are not told when you go to these places to research about the wls, that you may encounter depression post op. If depression is mentioned by these business its done in away that makes it seem trivial or unimportant. I find this to be deceptive and overall very detrimental to the people have the wls done. People who are depressed sometimes just grasp for tiniest thing in the world to make it alittle better, and that shows the desperation they have to want to have some basic joy and happiness. That is what I did, and what I truly did was only created false hope and what I thought to be a quick fix to lifelong problem, but in the end to only make the issue more severe. The reality is once you lay on that table and they open you up, and do all they do to make help you loose weight, you still wake up with the same mind and same feelings. You don't get a new brain or new perceptions of things from the DR's, you just have a new piece of hardware in your stomach. So I did myself the biggest disservice I could ever have done, with my false hopes and belief, I lost touch with reality. So what I had allowed to happen made me more depressed than I was or ever have been. So for the last six months I have lived a tortured existence, I have turned to drugs to make it all better, I have been seeing a Psychologist weekly, I still feel worthless, I think about killing myself everyday, I have to find a reason to live. I have lost allot of my hair, and I just feel in my heart a part of me died on that table, because only after the procedure did I finally realize I had done this procedure for everyone else, and not for me. I thought I had to do this to make people love me and for them to like me or not shun me anymore. The truth is no ones loves me more now, they all love me the same, because it was, or is not what I look like that drives the love, it is who I am, and that is me! I thought that once I got skinny that the gossip would stop, and nothing could be said, but that was an illusion. Now instead of being fat, or overweight I am sick or have cancer or Aids. I don't tell people that I had the procedure because I am ashamed. I just let them believe what they want and I don't try and fight the gossip. Since the surgery I have had several people tell me that I am not the same person, and that when I was heavier I was happier, and that I don't "dance happy anymore". I am avid clubber, before my surgery I would get out on that dance floor wherever I went, and I danced like I knew how, and I did not care about anyone or what they thought, I moved all my 308 pounds, like no one was watching. This was one of things I was so looking forward to; was going out to my favorite club and dancing like I used to and even better, and saying to myself "Look at me now". I have been several times since and each time I try and dance, but I just don't ever get the groove, I feel and see people staring at me, and I try and understand their thoughts and reasoning for gawking at me. With the hair loss this has just given me one more thing to be unhappy about, and I dwell on this so much that I cry and I feel like I'm just never going to be good enough. I am 25 yrs old and I have not done really nothing with my life, I have felt like a failure my whole life, and now more so than ever. I sometimes think of all this as a terminal illness and that I am not going to get better and one day when the loneliness is finally able to penetrate my core inner being, that in this weakness I will commit suicide and all this pain I feel will finally be stopped and will no longer be able to sting my heart and pollute my mind. Someone told me once "You will never be as cute as us skinny boys, you will always be that fat ugly person", at the time I believed him and I wanted to show him he was wrong, but now I wish I could take it back and go back to that very moment in time he told me that. And, that is where I would start my life over at, and I would not change anything about my life. I want to share this only to try and help and let you know that please only do this procedure for the right reasons, not for the look or because you want to please someone else. Understand this and let this remain in your thoughts until you die, if you are fat, tall, skinny, short, gay, straight, black or white, it has no effect on who you are, these things don't make you a lesser or greater person, and no one is ever better than you. There is no value on human life we are all priceless. All of us, even the fats ones, are just as good as the rest. The only thing that will be a guaranteed change ultimately from this procedure will be your appearance. You inevitably will lose weight, but your thoughts and who you are, will be the same, your spirit will remain the same. So never lose track of what matters most, and don't make a misguided choice like I did and have to then regret it. This is "not poor me, pour me another one", it is this; I made a choice and I have to live with it, and I am going to try and make it through, and if I think I can make it alone, you can, just never loose site of what is most important, and that is you, and never try and be something you are not. I have lost allot of weight when I started I was at 308, and today I weigh only 165, total weight loss of 143 pounds, but I am still fat in my heart and mind, but I still am me and I think and act the very same way I did the day I laid on that table. So what I would like to stress to anyone who is considering the procedure: Be aware that you are making a choice that will impact the rest of your life; you are committing to a guaranteed lifestyle change; this procedure is not a cure all for your self esteem, or a cure to the inner depression, and any other mental challenges; If you allow yourself to believe that this is not true you are only lying and hurting you, because when you finally catch on, you are going to fall, and it is going to be a fall that no one can catch you, you will have to experience and accept that you are going to have change from the inside out, and not the outside in. So only for the right reasons, any other reason will only be a crutch to failure. I would love to help anyone who has had some extreme depression or guilt or regrets after the wls, please email me at [email protected] , my name is William! Your thoughts are the dreams of tomorrow so don't ever forget this. Good luck! And in the end "if you have the choice to sit it out or dance", always dance!

WOW. I really don't know what to say. Congrats on the weight loss and the ability to make the choice to seek help. You have truely laid it all on the table. Please continue to seek help and someday you will make it through this. I agree you should not take upon this surgery lightly and no it will not change you attitude or mental health but for some appearance does make a difference. I started out weighing more you than you and have not lost as much as you. You are doing wonderful and appear to be a very sentimental person, please feel free to email me if you would like to talk. I have a wonderful ear for listening. Hope you have a good holiday season.

Richard - I'm so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. A lot of WLS patients experience depression because we are mourning our dear friend, "food". It is such a loss and it is sometimes difficult for us to develop new skills, activities, etc. when we want to eat. I spend a lot of time walking, reading, visiting with friends, and cleaning. My house has never been so clean I'll keep you in my thoughts. Hang in there and remember that tomorrow brings a new day.

What a powerful message William! This post was truly from your heart. Thank you so much for sharing. Although you are experiencing a deep seated depression, I can see from your message that you are a truly good person and a very caring person. No, WLS is not a cure all for the mental issues a lot of Obese people experience and it should be researched thought about long and hard. Loosing weight will not make us a better person or loved by more, it will however make us a healthier person so that we can touch more people with our knowledge, wisdom and compassion. Please remember it is not how many people love or care for you, it is the quality of love and caring you receive from them. Hang in there and continue to work on your mental health as well as your physical health. I have faith that you will make it through this and come out a much happier, healthier you! God bless!